It has been a while since I have written here

My poems were dark and full of despair

Now I need to declare.


I was very sick,
I didn’t have much of a personality

My body was giving up,
and my mind was full of anxiety

I needed time and help,
to heal my head and heart

It may be a bit silly,
but I can finally say that I can add chocolate to my shopping cart.

for always ruining your mood
for making everything difficult for you
for always debating about every meal
for not being the old, happy me
for not being able to recover
for making you worried sick so you can’t sleep
for putting you in a difficult dilemma
for always being sad

I guess I’m sorry for simply existing
You say you won’t give up on me, but I’ve already given up on myself

I’m sorry

I’m trapped
Trapped in a personal hel
If this hel only consumed me I would survive
I always do
But this is not the case
It has eaten everyone I love
And it’s killing me watching them suffer
I can’t help but think
Maybe if I go away
So will their suffering
And that’s what scares me

You keep saying you miss this girl
This girl that was always happy
Always smiling
And was never a problem

You keep asking
Where did she go?
I tell you I don’t know
I don’t know where she went
But I’m lying
Because I know where she is
She is dead
She was killed by life
And all she left was a mess
A problem
And that’s me

I’m not quite sure why I’m doing this to myself.
I know it’s wrong.
I know I will ruin my relationships.
I know I could die.
But for some reason, I can’t bring myself to care.
To care enough to change.
To care enough to turn this evil cycle around.

I guess it has gotten to the point where I’m beyond saving.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
People always tell me to follow my heart, but my heart was broken into a million pieces.
And I don’t know which one to follow.