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yan Jun 2022
the ice is in my toes
the ice is in my fingers
my veins
my brain.
no matter the year, i dread you every time.
and the resentment bleeds beyond the lines.
i cannot tell the difference between you and the snow
you speak of utmost blades i’d rather take to my body than my heart
and the tumour starts to learn to speak as time ebbs.
little flow, but from my eyes.
the blue is a physical ailment
and the black is a cold embrace.
i wake slowly from my slumber
only met with the same mistakes.
yan Jul 2021
tip tap
pit pat
like the feeling of your fingers drumming on the back of my hand.
tears against the window cry for my love for you.
and your dark gold haystack sifts through my fingers like spun gold
while i drink the rainbow from your lips.
storm is over, though i’m still cold.
but your warmth is like rays of sun comforting the damp and pelted grass.
white powder pulsating through my body, ridding me of the darkness
but it took away the colour too.
yet there you were, stood in front of me, bright, burning orange aura.
it almost startled me to look at you. i had to take my eyes off you for i was afraid you’d burn holes in my soul, afraid you would see through my protective facade.
yet you persisted and found your way into the deepest part of me where the sun couldn’t shine and sound moved slow, wading through the thick blue waters.
and you taught me how to breathe.
and you taught me how to swim.
and now i look at you with your lopsided smile and emerald eyes.
and i wonder - what did i do to be so fortunate as to call you mine ?
yan Jun 2021
"you do not know how scared i was."
"shitless?" i chuckled.
"i was *******. terrified."
i laughed.
"you- you scared me! i know i've said this before, but you scared me. not because you were overbearing, not because you fight, not because of any of that. because i was utterly in love with you!"
my heart stopped.
"and that was ******* scary!"
i exhaled.
"you- i don't think you realise how scary it is for someone who didn't feel like they could be loved - didn't feel like they deserved to be loved, didn't... feel like they were worthy of anything in life. to finally feel that there was some possibility of something good coming their way and someone loving them - it was ******* terrifying."
i began to sob.
"i... every day... i woke up. and the possibility of falling in love with you was on my mind."
and i sobbed harder. because it felt like this stoopy boy who had a heart too big for his own good was reading the words from my mind. and that was when i knew that after all these years of being deceived, i was finally in love. and good grief did it feel like the utmost blissful thing on this ****** planet.
yan May 2021
Coerced with guilt
My body was yours.
It was yours to take, yes, it was all yours.
My pleas bounced off your beating chest.
I lay; a shell merely for your gain.
Lunch is near and you are here,
Bent over the porcelain bowl
A wreck.
Watered down the stench of toxins.
I cried silently while I protected your soft slumber beside me.
Time again, I’d conceal my blemishes to adhere to your perception
Of perfection.
I should give in. He was right. Near a year of trust.
Shattered in the garden. On the bench.
Your heart lay in pieces on the grass.
And my phone kept flashing your name for months after.
I’d freed myself, no longer chained to expectation.
My body is not yours.
It is mine.
yan May 2021
do you hear my shiver
when your lips are on my ear ?
for i feel your smile against my skin.
are you real ? are you true ?
are you who i perceive you to be ?
no facade could mask my uncertainty in the past.
his actions out of line with his words.
to him, 'no' meant 'yes'.
but to you, 'no' means 'no'.
sad that my bar is floor, i'm aware.
but you are a breath of singing air
from he who tried to drown me.
smell of his sleep no longer lingers in my bed.
long gone. months ago.
even when he was still there.
and you linger on my clothes without trying.
yan May 2021
dark gold haystack
but silk!
no needles for me to find.
emeralds for eyes and a smile of sugar coated strawberries.
and your hugs smell like safety and you
are a gem.
cologne engraved in my memory,
you are an open novel for me to read; many chapters of intrigue.
i hope your future chapters include me.
yan May 2021
once seven, still seven.
yet where i once was, someone else has taken place.
their hair like mine
height like mine
laughter they conjure from you all just like mine.
yet blank stares from the six of you when i speak
tears my soul in two.
sneaking glances of green in your direction
i miss the old me too.
but i've grown and changed so much
it seemed that circle had become too restrictive for me.
maybe it's for the better that you came by to fill their void who used to be me.
maybe it's for the better i am one not seven.
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