the femininity which feeds me also bites my tongue,
metallic and warm, you sit there with my deceased muscle,
begging to bleed, begging to beat under sporadic sun.
i cannot hear a word amongst this deafening bustle.

intoxicated, emancipated, yet there is a lust for sheer hunger
we scream, as drunken poets into air that is dead
all we yearn for is the wonder we possessed when we were younger,
and lament over phrases spoken in my head.

i do not fear anymore, for i have kissed each variation of death
we are well acquainted, you see, much to your dismay
i’ll save your name for my final breath,
for it was you all along who led me astray.

the leather in my mouth speaks more truth than you.
i woke up clear headed, fresh as a ripe strawberry.
but the taste of you in my mouth repulsed me.
it’s just like you; dry, course and deceptively luxurious.

glimpses came back to me - the way i fit like a puzzle piece with them, and you, from a different picture altogether. the way i knew i was with my people from just a look, while i’ve spent two years trying to feel at home.

at some point i did. it felt like you were my roof, my heat, my cool, my bed. then the cyclone came, and no matter where we moved it was never the same. you just can’t seem to replace the idiosyncrasies of a home like you can a house.

he smiled, knowingly, last night. i tried to hide it but the flame in my stomach was burning my cheeks. to blame the alcohol and heritage was my best bet. but to be safe, i went back inside. and i was greeted with a smile from you, also knowing, but insincere. not the same as the one i fell in love with. or perhaps it was, and i’ve simply moved out. i couldn’t reciprocate, so i just stared at your leather shoes. they kissed your feet like i did once. i worshipped the ground you walked on. until i found that it was not the pavement that made my lips bleed, but the thorns you’d hidden in your skin.  

three words. three agonising words. every time you say them i crumble more. so i speak with leather in my mouth, ‘i love you too’. but it has meaning no more. i’ve scuffed it, i’ve weathered it, and you’ve walked the world in it. no polish can heal the damage done.

so i’ll walk into the house, stripped of a roof, observe the empty bed frame and take off my shoes.
it is time for me to move somewhere new.

the ice is in my toes
the ice is in my fingers
my veins
my brain.
no matter the year, i dread you every time.
and the resentment bleeds beyond the lines.
i cannot tell the difference between you and the snow
you speak of utmost blades i’d rather take to my body than my heart
and the tumour starts to learn to speak as time ebbs.
little flow, but from my eyes.
the blue is a physical ailment
and the black is a cold embrace.
i wake slowly from my slumber
only met with the same mistakes.

tip tap
pit pat
like the feeling of your fingers drumming on the back of my hand.
tears against the window cry for my love for you.
and your dark gold haystack sifts through my fingers like spun gold
while i drink the rainbow from your lips.
storm is over, though i’m still cold.
but your warmth is like rays of sun comforting the damp and pelted grass.
white powder pulsating through my body, ridding me of the darkness
but it took away the colour too.
yet there you were, stood in front of me, bright, burning orange aura.
it almost startled me to look at you. i had to take my eyes off you for i was afraid you’d burn holes in my soul, afraid you would see through my protective facade.
yet you persisted and found your way into the deepest part of me where the sun couldn’t shine and sound moved slow, wading through the thick blue waters.
and you taught me how to breathe.
and you taught me how to swim.
and now i look at you with your lopsided smile and emerald eyes.
and i wonder - what did i do to be so fortunate as to call you mine ?

"you do not know how scared i was."
"shitless?" i chuckled.
"i was *******. terrified."
i laughed.
"you- you scared me! i know i've said this before, but you scared me. not because you were overbearing, not because you fight, not because of any of that. because i was utterly in love with you!"
my heart stopped.
"and that was ******* scary!"
i exhaled.
"you- i don't think you realise how scary it is for someone who didn't feel like they could be loved - didn't feel like they deserved to be loved, didn't... feel like they were worthy of anything in life. to finally feel that there was some possibility of something good coming their way and someone loving them - it was ******* terrifying."
i began to sob.
"i... every day... i woke up. and the possibility of falling in love with you was on my mind."
and i sobbed harder. because it felt like this stoopy boy who had a heart too big for his own good was reading the words from my mind. and that was when i knew that after all these years of being deceived, i was finally in love. and good grief did it feel like the utmost blissful thing on this ****** planet.

Coerced with guilt
My body was yours.
It was yours to take, yes, it was all yours.
My pleas bounced off your beating chest.
I lay; a shell merely for your gain.
Lunch is near and you are here,
Bent over the porcelain bowl
A wreck.
Watered down the stench of toxins.
I cried silently while I protected your soft slumber beside me.
Time again, I’d conceal my blemishes to adhere to your perception
Of perfection.
I should give in. He was right. Near a year of trust.
Shattered in the garden. On the bench.
Your heart lay in pieces on the grass.
And my phone kept flashing your name for months after.
I’d freed myself, no longer chained to expectation.
My body is not yours.
It is mine.

do you hear my shiver
when your lips are on my ear ?
for i feel your smile against my skin.
are you real ? are you true ?
are you who i perceive you to be ?
no facade could mask my uncertainty in the past.
his actions out of line with his words.
to him, 'no' meant 'yes'.
but to you, 'no' means 'no'.
sad that my bar is floor, i'm aware.
but you are a breath of singing air
from he who tried to drown me.
smell of his sleep no longer lingers in my bed.
long gone. months ago.
even when he was still there.
and you linger on my clothes without trying.