do you hear my shiver
when your lips are on my ear ?
for i feel your smile against my skin.
are you real ? are you true ?
are you who i perceive you to be ?
no facade could mask my uncertainty in the past.
his actions out of line with his words.
to him, 'no' meant 'yes'.
but to you, 'no' means 'no'.
sad that my bar is floor, i'm aware.
but you are a breath of singing air
from he who tried to drown me.
smell of his sleep no longer lingers in my bed.
long gone. months ago.
even when he was still there.
and you linger on my clothes without trying.

dark gold haystack
but silk!
no needles for me to find.
emeralds for eyes and a smile of sugar coated strawberries.
and your hugs smell like safety and you
are a gem.
cologne engraved in my memory,
you are an open novel for me to read; many chapters of intrigue.
i hope your future chapters include me.

once seven, still seven.
yet where i once was, someone else has taken place.
their hair like mine
height like mine
laughter they conjure from you all just like mine.
yet blank stares from the six of you when i speak
tears my soul in two.
sneaking glances of green in your direction
i miss the old me too.
but i've grown and changed so much
it seemed that circle had become too restrictive for me.
maybe it's for the better that you came by to fill their void who used to be me.
maybe it's for the better i am one not seven.

i just can’t quite understand myself. i believe i have the potential and the capacity to succeed however it feels as though the system has been tailored to set me up for failure. i simply do not dream of success within the education system anymore. it feels futile and my odds are stacked against my control.
i have little motivation to live on enduring an unhappy life as such. i seldom seek validation from my teachers as i so keenly used to feed out of their palms. i feel my soul shrinking into nothing but a pebble in one’s shoe. a minor inconvenience. barely audible. barely present.
my mind goes on walks outside when i’m bed bound. i cannot lift the anchor which is my head no matter how loud the captain in my head shouts at their sailors.
i crave escape. i am so privileged. so loved. so needed, i’m aware. yet the black clouds in my head filter the sunshine but not the UV rays. melanoma without the tropical memories to reflect upon.
maybe it’s the medication. maybe it’s the alcohol. maybe it’s the nicotine. maybe it’s the drugs. but i constantly attempt to fill the void in my life which is where happiness should be, but it seems as though something is already there. it is not happiness. nor is it sadness. it is purely the absence of emotion which expands like a sponge, larger than life, bigger than what i am able to feel.
nothing.

you seem to ignite.
what is it about your gait?
why do your eyes sparkle like pools of emerald?
why does your hair look like a golden haystack?
hidden needles.
the emergence of your face
at the gate stretched my lips into a smile and poured chocolate caffeine down my throat.
what is it about your embrace?
envelops me in a web of safety.
do i know how it feels to be infatuated anymore?
when will my disinterest in life cease?
perhaps at the beginning of the sound of my name from your mouth.

purgatory is cruel
but love is relentless
straddle a fence between life and death means whether i will wake tomorrow
whether i will be in awe or agony.
hushed blanket has fallen over the house at this hour
except for the gentle hum of electricity within me and from above.
why are you walking so hastily ? have you somewhere to be ?
perhaps comfort is not a destination which resides in a temporary soul for the moment.
i must seek solace within myself.

when you drown, i swim
my guilt does not know where to begin.
you mustn't try anymore
there is no use trying to open my closed door.