Ending the night writing before bed making it easier to sleep. Over all the bad focused on good. Some pictures have him asking what else is going on. He remembers the good time followed by the bad hand in hand. More loss than gains in those moments.
This journey a long way to go, can't go back that means losing progress. Hoping it would change same old BS different day. Same hostility different crow that wants a say. Not easily manipulated or following the deceitful majority.
He learned to ask questions, and do his own thing. Before he cared which empowered people, who used him took him for granted. Now hes matching energy not get drained by those who chose misery over happy. He respected their decision so many impositions.

As you get older you can't keep doing the same stuff. You don't recover the same and the body goes through more changes even after puberty. The desire and rush fades away sometimes you ignore the delusions stay away from things because you don't agree or want no part of that nonsense. Years of fighting over meaningless stuff you turn your back walk away don't empower the BS. Do what makes you happy focus on being better sometimes you help others on the way other times you need to help yourself. As I get older it's like racing time.
Lots of reaching the top but breaking through on the glass ceiling is the hard part. Doing things that you'd never do or because they told you it couldn't be done. Proving people wrong but they don't care don't be distracted and blinded by people who don't care about you. Use you and take you for granted you deserve much more and better. Helping others can be rewarding but found most are not greatful and don't appreciate your efforts but the ones who do make your efforts feel worth your time.
Times changes don't like that I have to give up my values or beliefs to be accepted. Respect was a big thing if you didn't have it you're nobody. Now a days so many things don't make sense but that's what's trending. I've grown and learned to be happy with myself and work with what I have. It's been a tough road in denial of what the future has become but do respect the reality even if I disagree.
From my teens to my thirties seen and experienced so much you can't stay in the past things change all those road blocks and detours go away. Never too late don't lose hope because it hasn't happened yet.

People come and go like the seasons
Sad to see them go letting is hard
Others leave without any hard feelings
Selfish to keep around let them grow
Onto a new chapter never good bye
Crossing paths in the future
Sharing a laugh to get through
Making one another smile good times
The journey with many detours
Not so bad with the right company
Feels like forever being detached
Able relate without awkward vibes

Choices made to get rid of the pain
Cutting off those, who judge you
Disrespectful criticism not able to speak back
Having an opinion seen as the enemy
Pursuing a dream while they never tried
On a high horse looking down on everyone
Material possessions doesn't make you better
Respecting people staying humble is admirable
You can't buy respect it's earned everyday
All the change is for the better growing strong

Talking about it is always hard but once you bring it to the light turns out you are not the only one going through it. The best feeling is when others understand. It gets easier to deal with. Stops you from empowering fear.
Feeling on edge over dumb possibilities that play out in the mind all these made up scenarios. Playing out in his head. Remembering a bad time and moment never wanting to end up there once again.

Hard to sleep writing till the tiredness kicks in
Arguments in the mind the voices in the head so loud doesn't make them right.
Ease the pain release the tension so many thoughts stuck in suspension.
Till the mind goes clear and feelings go numb. So the body can rest and pain goes away.

Over the censorship others try to replace your values acting like what they know or do is better. Respecting their ways not cancelling mine. Lots of imposition and dysfunction. All the self destruction pretending to be a martyr. Not listening to all these made up ideal to keep others out because they can't fit in. Trying to understand all these foolish demands being forced on the silent majority.

He would drink energy drinks they became a comfort when he quit consuming alcohol. He realized they aren't right for him from one bad habit to the next. He didn't want a one night stand.
He was all in or nothing things never turn out the way he imagined. They usually played out accordingly. Heart broken and confused. Knew he wasn't the one but one of many.

Dark and deep from the head to feet
Closed my eyes and seen us together
Great in my head but the reality a blur
No where near the truth it ends ruthless
Kept trying to make it work by lieing to myself
Thought I couldn't do without better off without
Lost in your ways had to rediscover myself once again
Letting go was hard once I surrender this toxic wave
I was freed and saved moved on with my days
Years passed struggled over come the daze
Happy you moved on while I stayed stuck
Once I did the same angered hatred came my way
Free of the guilt of not being loved
My problem is loving the wrong person
All this faith for love ends with betrayal hate
Ending it before it could grow to much more
Not the bad guy but in your story I'm the worse
Failed love is a curse wish you the best
While you play victim and red wishing less
Not more pondering being depressed

Jen was over her cousin Ana judging everyone when Ana did way worse. Jen made a mistake or two owned up as well. Ana seem to throw everyone under because she had ***** little secrets that came to the surface. She would borrow money and not pay it back. Causing their grandmother to be sued.
Jen was angry because she loved her grandmother and this coat riding decay would have the nerve to talk after all she's done. She slandered Jens name making her not want to come around. He didn't get why the family believed a liar while Jen was honest and straight forward.
Ana was the worse of the worse she would use people to get her materialistic needs met. If she doesn't gain off or benefit.  she doesn't care about how about anyones feelings. She'd trying to isolate and turn the family.
Trying to take over in rank but definitely did not earn her place. Jen knew it would only be a matter of time till everything came to the light.

Writing hid story everyday some day will become one day. As the wind blew he sat in starbucks drinking a hot chocolate ad his phone upgraded.
His friends all grew up working or with family. He seen them as family but realized his chapter was over and would have to move on. They settled for their journey he wanted to do more with his writing or create turn his ideas into short clips.
He told the truth, and ****** people off. All his courage the confidence it took for him to put his being into the writing. Trying to find those feelings and emotions to express himself. Trying to be creative while others tried to censor him. Guilt him like he did wrong when all he did was express himself.
He loved the creative process it made sense so many want to be critics on the finish product. All his time and effort ripped apart in a matter of seconds. Wrote it down hoping to make sense of the insanity.

When you don't care for the hype
Then a cross over occurs the blurred lines
Making what you love toxic internal struggle
It was already a love hate relationship
Trying to understand but this kept changing
Making it more complicated no longer making sense
Thinking it might get better but keeps getting worse
Being set up to fail trying to grasp success
Trying to heal in a place that cause the illness
The crowds never happy or it's never good enough
Burnt out and frustrated from all the criticism
Giving your all not getting anything in return
All those promises turn out to be lies
Agreeing but no intentions of honoring their word
Saying one thing but doing another
Staying humble while scumbags gloat
Doing the work while complainers Debate for a place than work for it

Tomorrow is valentines day don't let that bug you. You are loved and appreciated by the right people. Show love all year long not one day because everyone else is doing it.
If you're single don't be ******* yourself because the right person will find you. Don't settle for less live life to the fullest. Remember you are responsible for your happiness and the one that can make it happen for yourself

He almost quit writing because someone Said when you post its like you're telling your feelings to a computer. It was his way to vent his free therapy since it was expensive. He didn't like to yell or argue to be heard so writing became his outlet outside of MMA and work.
He was called crazy for what he did and how he did things. The dream was real in his mind even though no one put in the time or work like he did.
He had an uncle that told him he didn't belong and told him to step aside let someone else have his spot.
At the time his life was a crisis too many distractions and family issues he had no say or control over.
Most of them came at him sour he couldn't associate with them anymore. Always seen as the bad guy for pursuing a dream. Being an individual they tell him be a man but then try to stop him from doing so.
All the confusion and frustration; be this way, be that way in the end what ever he did; didn't matter to them because it wasn't about them or what they are doing. Selective when they cared or gave a ****

On the road, After a few set backs rise above the stress; trying to have a life outside of work. A hopeless romantic trying to find true love. Easily bored with all the wrong women sharing time to have it wasted thinking it was something amounting to nothing. Pushing through the chaos fading out of the scene starting over once again.
Avoiding hurt working extra hours distracted from emotions.
Lost in stress focused on improving not the first or last time being in charge. From the the youngest to feeling middle age ready to embrace the change. Everything falls into place over the years. Things don't happen right away thankful it worked itself out eventually.

In the car from the street to a dirt road
The street leveled and calm more common
while the man made roads uneven and narrow
Speeding up a steep hill not sure it the top is leveled
The fear seape through the pores
So many scary thoughts racing in my mind
Going to the top the car losing traction
Not sure what's on the other side over a cliff
The tires kicking up dirt while a dust cloud follows
My heart gets a rush from the adrenaline
Hand holds onto the hand rail for dear life
Another steep drop overcome the fear
Cousin drives while I sit shotgun testing his vehicle against mother nature
watching the road up ahead being extra eyes
All new and fun another experience to enjoy
I toxicated by the thrill seeking adventure
Overdosed being an adrenaline ******
Nice change in routine something exciting and different for a change

As his elders retired he felt the pressure being in the heart of the town the curb appeal would need to be kept up. The bar was set high but no pressure that was the joke among the crew.
Change was coming the trio awaited their fourth member all they wanted was someone who worked and got their stuff done took pride in their work. Not expecting too much but did want this person to carry their load fill that burden without designating it to others.

Thankful for this page it helps me get out my frustrations dropping the burden so I can be free from them. I like to help people but I want them to stand on their own not become a crutch. I've seen people change for the wrong reasons but they are motivated. I'd rather them want it and doing it because they choose to do so.
Having a tough time but will make it work or find away without giving up too much over the years it's been tons of loss but learned maintaining is the most important part once you have it. Finding balance who do people give up who they are and sacrifice you can only do that for so long till you move on to something that loves and appreciates everything you do.
Some fear change sometimes change makes you better.

Last write of the night they ask what bugs you most
When family talks bad about one another and can't get along
The intensity wrong the pride going strong but the family will survive
Once a best friend sad it came to an end over a chick that played everyone and even played herself
Said sorry so many times but it won't ever be right back in the days we use to be tight
Had to cut the cord for you treating me bad that doesn't make you right
Never forgiven or with your shady ways
I use to be self destructive set in my ways not like that anymore
No more bad habits trying to live instead of lose it all so much I worked for
Too bad I'm not dead inside from being around others who made me feel like a no body destine to become somebody
Friend to foe these bad vibes need to go no killing my good deeds over your negativity
Wanted something more do who you are anymore in your eyes I'm the bad guy in your story stop spreading lies
Admitted my wrong now your trying to shame me thought you were better now I stay away and whatever
Told myself grow do more for your life do better work with what you got adjust and adapt focused on pursuing a dream
It means everything to me and means nothing to you killer me off write me off use to be close now you pretend not to know me

Some friend slandering your character trying to take a girl off your hands. Thinking you can take and touch something that's not yours. A friend wouldn't do that sad to think. Trusting the wrong people hyping them up to be left disappointed.
Not a cheater and it's not welcomed. A person that cheats will get friends to lie and cover up their shady actions. No one wants that pressure or responsibility. If you can't stay loyal and true stay single because it just hurts and wastes everyone's time.
Don't have kids if you can't support them it's the worse when a child feels like it's their fault because the parents aren't there. Unworthy of love being left discouraged watching one parent drunk and the other working hard to provide. Be there instead of picking and choosing when to be a parent. It's a lifestyle not pick and choose when it's convenient.

Telling the truth gets you hated
So many try to cancel you out
Twist your words with lies
**** you off for having an opinion
Stand your ground for your beliefs
Standing solo a friend becomes a rival
Blood unites a family divided by anger
Still disconnected full of pride
wicked hidden agendas appear
Holding a grudge is the wedge
Love over material possessions
Divided by perspective, no fear of consequence
Grew up together now, complete strangers

Why are you so negative? You push people away? You are a good person but you let your temper get the best of you. Always busting mine but you are never satisfied with anything. You make faces and rude, I understand you are upset but if you don't communicate I can't fix the problem don't be fake to my face that's where I draw the line don't tell me one thing and say another to other people. I respect you have seniority but don't act like you don't your job perfect. Everyone makes mistakes has bad days. We are suppose to be a team everyone wants to take the credit and throw the blame my way. I'm still new but learning not afraid to try and fail because that's how you get better. Being part time does **** but I work like a full time person because I want it and make sure they notice when I'm gone. I respect everyone's opinion and situation what annoys me most is how no one says it to their face. How they bad mouth each other but don't bother to talk it out. No one owns up but blames and points the finger. I work to be among the group but I don't belong I already accepted that not trying to please anyone just focus on work get it done and go home. It's been frustrating because I can be somewhere else or go somewhere different be happy instead of dealing with attitudes and egos. It's Friday enjoy the weekend back to the grind monday.

Don't agree if you object
Tell me what I want to hear
Then be dismissive opened trusted you
The silence cause by being fed up
Threw ideas your way tried to help
Always shutting them down
Quick to take credit work you didn't do
Made it about you knocking the team
Did it for the team so everyone can grow
Let's build of this idea creative input
Doesn't matter to you so you don't care
Others rising up determined to move up
You won't let them surpass your ways

He stood deep in thought focused on his task
Others looked in his eyes assumed he was sad or hurt.
He was happy go lucky never asked anyone for anything because they weren't reliable
He made the most of his time gave his all
He loved his job earned every cent
Rather then ask how he felt they assumed he was sad or mad
This would annoy him so it would frustrated him leading to anger but he would let it go he didn't like others dictating his mood.
He hid his emotions because it got the best of him
He would focus on what made him happy regardless off all the distractions and setbacks
He worked hard so he could invest in himself. So many struggles in his mind coping with all these pent up thoughts and emotions.
He smiled his eyes sparkled because he was free
His caring eyes made others feel safe when he wasn't rushed or being provoked
He was willing to help those eyes determined
Once he's on the back burner he would work with what he had those eyes told stories shared emotions. He would go wide eyed for being honest because his honesty got him in trouble
Big brown eyes with long eyelashes that made girls jealous because his were real and natural. He was attracted they made him pretty.

Things are not what they appear to be
Sometimes you give others the benefit of the doubt
They prove you wrong also mess with your sense of judgement
In other people's story you are not always made out to be the bad guy
Friends to your face once you turn your back they slaunder your character to others
The only flaw there is the person, they are trying to impress; turn out they find the bad boy rep more attractive.
Most conversations were straight up to the face while the phonies pretended to be someone they weren't

Why are people like that?
They bad mouth when you match their tone quick to play the victim
Eating your food they have no money to buy their own
Quick to make you out to be the bad guy for standing your ground
Trying to make everyone hate you because they didn't get their way
Thinking its okay to disrespect you
They insult you once you speak the truth on them quick to get defensive
Everyone takes their word once you speak it becomes a debate or justified
This game got old not playing it anymore walked away to stay sane
Keeping mental peace over all the manipulation

The look of anger and frustration became a common thing now a days. He asked them to not do something they did it anyway. He wasn't trying to pull rank but looked out.
Not his place to say but did want to be fair even though some think the rules don't apply to them. They didn't listen and they expect him to give in their ways and support their bad habits.
He loved to drink but didn't want to hear about bad relationships. It turned into pounding and chugging he just wanted a buzz.
He didn't care for the crowd even though it was family lots of talk and nothing got done. He was doing because wanted it most of trying to get it done and done right.

Everyone was gone he pushed them away. He learned to be cozy in his own skin. He hated who he became too many people in his head. He should've listened to himself, did what he wanted and what he loved. No one seemed to get him trying to label package him into someone else.

Not labels less pressure, they got along. He was free not going back to bad habits. He loved her but she was toxic. Gave up his friends so he could get sober. She would ruin the day if she didn't get her way. He didn't take the nonsense it made things worse. He always felt like a failure, if he didn't get it right for her. Other than it being physical ****** they didn't get along of have any common interest.

He woke up finally got rest and felt recharged
All week he gives his all never giving up or quitting especially when he was burnt out and sore. He took criticism and listened so he can be better and improve.
Trying to rise above move up so he can be a member of the trio. Majority of the time he felt he didn't belong because they kept him out. He always had their back but they always left him and undermine his opinion and ideas.
He came up with the idea got no credit, he was not a glory hound and did it because he loved it. His plans or ideas did not clash with the others. They seeked glory and fame but he just like the creative process did his part because it was the right thing to do.
He would depart from this group because it was no longer his vision or his they kept the name he swore one day he would come back with a better idea that would be his own even more successful than before.