My seventeenth year I began to see colors all these colors from people who I had always imagined  had these beautiful bright amazing colors but deep down they were dark and twisted and ripped me apart to even look at them but then I started to open with colors and they were the ones that were beautiful bright amazing colors but also came with the realization that my whole family ******* ****** and of course I knew this before because I realized that I had watched those same colors explode on other people but thought nothing of it because I still believed in happiness and  rainbows of others but now I make my own **** happiness and rainbows with the people whose colors are bright and beautiful just like mine so this is a poem for the people who can take their nasty dark twisted colors and shove it up their ***** while I sing I see your true colors shining through I see your true colors and that why I don’t love you

I knew I was depressed when I woke the next morning and I still had the bad thing on my mind from the night before
When I couldn't just snap out of the mood anymore
When I woke up crying
When I was mess in front of everyone
When I didn't want to go out with friends
When I hated seeing people some times
When my brain physically felt like it couldn't work anymore
When I went 100 mph in my car because  I didn't care if I lived or died anymore

Growing up in catholic school I was told that this was a sin
But I always questioned "how could loving someone be a sin"
This sin feels so good
And "how could a sin feel so good"
I later realized that I didn't have to believe in everything the church says but sometime these questions still keep me up at night.
I wonder why we teach kids that the most purest thing in the world can be wrong in the eyes of some.

How do you love me?
I'm such a mess,
I don't know how to control anything half the time but you don't seem to care
All you care about is me
You care about the me I never learned how to love
You love that me and all the rest of me
You seem to be the only one watching and seeing me fight on
And I love that about you
I love you so much it's unreal
It's kind of gross but I really like it

Two years ago a new chapter of my life was opened, it wasn't a good one but it was a hell of a show. I learned and grew and became new. I was so young and very very naive to the world and the way it changes and shows itself. People who were my whole world, are people who I no longer think of. People who I didn't know existed then have made my life worth something now. It's incredible how fast your whole world can turn upside down. My life went from having a family of eight people who never got a long but to me that was family. Now I know family's are supposed to actually love. That's where love comes from, right? The future is here, its really here. Everything I dreamed of is here. I'm leaving this house that once held so much but no longer does. Tomorrow feels like a victory of a long race to the finish line. Although, it was a very long and hard two years those memories of everything still pop into my head like they happened yesterday. I know they didn't and I now know how to move on from something. To forget and forgive and decide how I want my life to go. People go through more difficult things everyday but for me this was a mountain that I had to climb and now I'm standing still on top with people who support me, with things that are good for me, and with a sense of how the world works. It may have taken me 24 months to finish to race but I'm still here to tell the stories, and I'm ready for the next mountain to climb.

My sixteenth year my parents split up a broken hot mess of a marriage and told me everything would be okay
Which put me into a war zone that had forgetful family and rumors
As time went on I realized that what I always hated was what I longed for the most which was togetherness
Depression settle in about six months later and everyone believed it was the others fault
No one realized that I had a brain that could think for itself
For I knew if I continued down the road I was going I would do something bad
I met a person who let me talk and understood the life I was living who didn't laugh when I said what I felt and who told me it wasn't going to okay it would take time but eventually I would live a better life
"All shall pass" is what she said and I tattooed that on my heart for I knew it was true I've always known my life will be good one day and happiness will be abundant but for now help is what I need
Life won't always be good but you have to live on the dream that it will be and that all shall pass

As the full moon rose tonight
I kissed you soft and hard
You told me about the things you love and the things you hate
You open within me and I open within you
The comfort I feel with you is as big as the bright full moon
You are the girl in all the famous love stories that I am excited to get to know
You are you and I want nothing more than to be apart of your big bright beautiful world

You have left a handprint on my heart
not in vain but in love
when you went you took something and left another
you took what I didn't want anymore and left something amazing
you left the love for myself
you were like a vacuum cleaning the dust from my soul that made me forget me
you opened me but I did not open with you but after you
you helped me find myself and not to be scared  
but sometimes I wish you were here to see it bloom
the night that was ours is coming and I still think of you every year
the night that my cheeks hurt from smiling
the night I went without a worry
the night that happened so quickly
the night I fell in love
I love that word but hate it all in the same
because my love never last long outside but inside it last forever

The very first was hard and sad as ****
When the anniversary rolled around I was more sad because I realize hadn't talked to david since that day
New years eve *****
Now I'm sad

I thought I saw the sun through the clouds I thought all the rain and sadness was over I thought I could live life full again I thought it was over but it'll never be over and there will always be clouds somewhere

Why does something that is supposed to bring you up to highest you ever been always take you down to the lowest you will ever find your soul
You give and give and no one ever takes what you have to offer but in times when they need it I'm sad a lot and I wonder if someone ever did take would I be happy?

The relationship a girl has with her father shouldn't be a focused one
no one side should have to fight more than the other and no one side should think he's great because he pays the bills
the other shouldn't crave it after 17 years of disappointment but it does because that's what it was taught "behave, honor your mother and father, wait till the day your dad walks you down the aisle and gives you great advice"
the only thing in life I've wanted to do was to impress you and make you proud but that's hard when you still don't care
I act it out as a great relationship on birthday, holidays, and when you're sick but in return I get nothing but "I'm sorry sweetie", "you're just a kid", and "again I'm sorry"
I scream at you because I want it so bad but just can't hold that back until I cry like a child
It rips me apart inside to know that I'll never have a great relationship with you
I look at other people and think yeah I love my dad too but the thing that hurts the most is that one day all this love that I have will turn into something horrible

Sometimes it still ***** with me and my emotions
Sometimes if feels like you're dead
Sometimes it feels like I'm the one  secluded from you
Sometimes I count down the days and dream about what's it going to be like when you come home
Sometimes I still have to take a moment to process this
And sometimes I just want to hug you

I lay on the couch and look at the tree
the tree that held so much love and happiness
the tree that now is just a tree

I'm breaking down
Slowly but constantly  
I feel like the world is slowly catching up
To my big talk
"I'm never going to be like them" I would say
But I'm slowly starting to believe that's a lie
It feels like I'm losing my confidence day after day and I really don't know where it's going
I've always had it, it's been my best friend through everything
But why at a time I need it most does it seem to escape
I'm scared because I don't know how things are going to turn out
I want to go back to my old ways but I know I can't
That would just prove I'm worthless even more
Something  in my head is telling me that I'm worthless and I'm starting to believe it
She tells me I'm not and that I'm worth a million stars in every plant but she doesn't know what this life is like
I'm glad she doesn't but sometimes I wish she did so she could understand more
She's my rainbow on rainy days and my light
I just want to be alone, away from everything with her just for a little bit
I want pure happiness all the time
When I see her that's what I see
She helps me forget and forgive
She's seen me cry and laugh and both at the same time
She's always dries my tears
And holds me tight
And talking about her just made me forget what I was really writing about
And that's love

I crave the touch of you but my heart has too many battle wounds from the short time that lasted forever but my head wants you, your body and the sweet adorable voice that would call my name.
I will never understand why all this happened and why it affected me the way it did. You and I could have gone on forever if the circumstances would have been exact but they weren't even in the same atmosphere. You created a new me but I fear I destroyed you and I'm sorry. I wish we could start all over and go back to freshman year but the knowledge we have today. I find myself thinking that I have forgotten you but then you pop back in my head and I go wild with the idea of you. I hope you don't think poorly of me but with a good memory.

" Houston, we've hit bottom" is what I constantly think on nights like tonight. I honestly thought I was far from bottom, that somehow there was a fog that made an inch seem like a mile. I have so many thoughts about so many things, things that are not good. Things that make me feel like I'm the bad one. I'm the reason why I barely have anyone. But then I remember I am. I was the one who realized that these people were ****** more than anything. I pulled a Trump and built a wall around the things that I couldn't bear to deal with. 18 wasn't supposed to be like this, I was supposed to have my  huge family crying over me leaving but really there are only a few. The few people that count.

My Heart is a big mess of love that never knows when to love but only to hate the things it comes to love
That's all its ever known but wants to know more
It wants to love like you but doesn't want to be hurt because it has been before
It talks to my brain and tells it to think about loving you but the brain knows that it will end badly
My Brain remembers all but my heart is like a blind dog trying to find its owner
My heart builds itself a wall to block the sad and broke parts of it and rebuilds itself to be happy again but the brain knows what its doing and warns it to stop
But my heart never listens
It just wants to love and to be loved

My life is good
This is the best my life has ever been,
really I've never been happier but there is something that I question
I question why when my life is this good that you have to come back and say hello
I don't want you
No one wants you but you love not being wanted
When will you ******* stop and go away
I want to live this part of my life to the fullest but now I'm sitting here wondering
who will be the next person I have to explain you to
Who will be the next person I have to have that horrible conversation with about possibly medicating you because you have just proven that I can't get rid of you on my own
"Stay busy" I told myself "if you're busy you won't have time to think about it" I thought but now I'm just tired of fighting to keep you away by staying busy
I REALLY want you to go
I want to be like I was before
You come because you have nothing better to do but to take people and destroy their happiness
And who knows what will happen in the end
You could win but I could also take you out with the hard fight of my life

At first, your heart is soft and round
it lets anything in because it does not know a heartache
when it lets that person in it grows bigger and bigger for all the new things you do together

but

that very first person will take scissors to the soft, round, lovable heart and cut into tiny, little shreds (not meaning to)

slowly day by day you look and find those tiny, little shreds and sow them back together

but

this time you are building your armor for your heart. you know it can not take another break like the first so you build this armor strong and hard because you have sat down at 2 in the morning wishing someone would take your heart out of you chest so you would not feel anything  anymore

She worries about you because she loves you
And she knows that if anything ever happened to you
She would be as broken as you are deep down inside
And she can't fix you so how would she be able to fix herself
So she worries about you
Her heart aches when yours does and she wonders what it's like to feel that way but she knows that her own  sorrows make her hurt like yours
When she cries my world floods because those eye are the holiest thing I've ever seen
So I hold on to her and pray that the sun breaks through
Because she only deserves sunshine and happiness
That's what she is to you and I just want to be her rainbow

The dark room pulls my thoughts out.
The angry, sad, and hurt thoughts.
Why can’t I live a normal life?
Why can’t I accept that I’m alway second best?
I will never be a number one.
I’m not good enough.
And people make me see that.
Quitting looks so **** easy,
But that would be me becoming like everyone else.
Quitting equals death and living equals harder work than anyone.
I wish my someone would see that I’m hurting but they just don’t know how to handle it.
And can I blame them?
I don’t even know how to handle it.

I look into the mirror and I don't know who I'm looking at
This woman is beautiful and becoming and really tired because all of this is helping her forget
forgetting the person she once was
so in love or so she thought
but the love was an artificial love but it still left her in a million tiny little pieces that she is so desperately trying to glue back together so well that they look like that they were never even broken

The people around her say she has risen from the dust like a phoenix but what they cant see is the heart still burning to death from a loss she doesn't think she can recover from

This person in the mirror is who she wants to be but she is constantly waiting for it to be who she once was

and that is her toxic trait

There you go again reaching for the drugs
to alter this form of reality we both live in
you talk to me so sweetly but when they wear off its an awkward exchange almost like we're two strangers
You're not the first person to do this in my life
I'm used to it
I've come accustom to everyone close to me needing to alter the reality for one thing or another and I'm always caught in the crossfire
And why does it still hurt all these years later
why do I still fall for the person that is high
why haven't i left them all behind
but maybe
I like the high a little more than you
maybe its the you I get high off of

The healing process is long but worth it
As the 7th month is making its arrival I can't help but feel this incredible weight lifted off my shoulders
a weight I never thought would come off
I'll admit I was scared that I would NEVER get over that girl but suddenly my life is coming all together and happiness is seeking into my soul again
I'm loving the person I'm becoming and liking all the new people I've met and I seriously can't thank my circle of support enough, without them I don't know how I would have crawled out of that dark hole
Each person means a little something different but all giving me that same amount of love
Tiana - This girl I've cried and laughed with. She's told me things that I will never forget and she's been real. I seriously thank god for bringing her into my life. She's so amazing and doesn't even know it. We speak each others language and know what its like being a strong willed person coming from a mess. When she tells me she's proud of me I know it.
Katie - I was so broken when we met and she knew it. She checked on me days later and then I just knew that this girl is someone who I need in my life.
Sierra - Me and this girl are going through it together both hurt but both growing into these amazing women who will support each other forever. There had been nights that I wanted to die but I could just text her and just talking about it made it all better. This girl is special and I can't wait to see what amazing adventures life takes us on.
Emma - Emma is my life saver, first one to the scene and the first one to pick me up off the floor and to tell me that I was going to be okay. I didn't believe it then but I finally do. This girl and I have a long relationship and I know that whenever we go whatever we do we'll always be in each others hearts and minds.
Kai - I have never met a single person that has made me feel seen and appreciated more than her. She cried with me as a sobbed over a girl who I am way to good for. She has the kindest heart because she not only cried with me once but many times. I alway knew that she would be one to stay but now I know we will always be there for each other away.
Cailyn - this girl, weirdest meeting but a connection that is out of this world. We just get each other and this girl has helped me realized that absolutely nothing is wrong with me and that I am a badass ***** that deserve the world.
Athena - I literally told this girl my plans to marry that girl days before we broke up and she was really happy for me then but then when I texted her she had nothing but love and support for me. We've always been like this, always there for each other no matter what. No number of miles between us can stop the love we share.
Julie - this lady! She always is so optimistic for the future and so positive about life and always there to party, or talk, or both! I'm so happy she's in my life and I know she's here for good.
Sherrie - They say god made us cousins because our parents couldn't handle us as siblings and honestly I've felt more like a sister to this lady than I have ever felt with my brothers. She is always there and always has the best advice. I'm so lucky to have her in my life.
Annie - usually when you lose your first love your mom is your go to but when you have a mom like mine you don't share much, luckily my mom has an old friend who's been a lifeline to me. She kind of fills my mom void and makes everything okay after I talk to her. We have this strange connection that she knows when I need to talk. States away but something that connects us. Always reminding me that I'm special and amazing and never forgetting to tell me how proud she of me. She just gets it.

I imagine the wedding day will look beautiful
You will probably be the most stunning bride
and your parents will beam with pride
your dad will made jokes as he walks you down the aisle and mom will surely cry  
Your sister and brother will stand by your side
I know your aunt and uncles will be so proud
and as your dad gives you away and you look at the one that is right for you I hope you remember me
remember me not in a bad way but as someone who helped pave the way to your beautiful bride
I know I will remember you when I look at mine
I'll remember the way you loved me like no one before and the way your family made me feel
I'll think of them from time to time
but you I shall think about you more than I wish
because I know that we shared something so special but it just wasn't meant to last
we will not see each other on our special day but I hope you think of me and remember the way we pushed off of each other to find our one that will give us our special day

I have this group of girlfriends...best friends...sisters
We love with our hearts and souls
We deal with the unbearable all while holding each other
Near or far I know we have this bond
Each of us are somewhere in our life
For two I believe they are living in a defining chapters
For the other we are just living and slowly climbing the ladder
Wondering where to go next
We're still falling out the plane looking for a soft place to land
One fell hard
One fell just right
One is still trying to find the ground
and I have my eye on the ground but just don't really know how to get there
I wonder where these chapters will take us
hoping that this sisterhood ends up on solid ground

Who is this girl I see
Staring right back at me
I don't know her but I feel her
I feel that she is lost, a bit
She's sacred, a bit
but she is brave and will weather any storm or mood that comes
I'm curious on what she really wants but I think she doesn't know
She doesn't know what she wants
She just wants fun, laugher, and success
That's all
But life is so **** messy that it gives her so many more thoughts
maybe one day she'll know which path to take and when she ends up in the right place she'll know exactly that is it the right place for her

Everyone on the outside says I'm doing great they see the happy, wings spreading, loving person that I am becoming

They don't see the bruised heart or constant string of bad thoughts going through my head all hours of the day

I really wish I could just see the outside too

I wish I wasn't apart of the inside

And I know I'm being far too negative and ******* myself but its how I'm surviving

As I look around my apartment I see small moments of all the wonderful women in my life
I see the kitchen table given to me by my cousin who so generously gave to me with the candles and flowers that I bought to make my own
The bedroom furniture so graciously sold to me by someone whom I admired so very much
The couch I'm sitting on given to me by the professor who told me not to quit after a terrible heartache
And this very apartment crafted to make this my safe space before I even lived here by my best friend
And remembering the night I moved in with the help of my mother, aunt, and niece who saved the day with their willpower and kindness
All together the women in my life have helped to create my amazing living space and helped to make it my own and without them I don't know where I'd be

God safe the women

Sometimes it feels like you and me are out in the middle of the sea
I’m holding on to you but You aren’t holding on to me
I don’t know who I am but you seem to know exactly who you are
I’m fighting with myself
I don’t know what to feel or do or think
It would cause me physical pain to break your heart
I don’t know what to do
I just want us to become whole again

It's been three years since I didn't kiss you in the Edison's parking lot
I wanted to but I didn't know that you wanted me as much as I wanted you


Now I'm sitting here at 11:30 p.m. wondering if any of that was real to you
the feelings you poured out on a paper and in person
did they mean anything or did you just say them to make yourself believe that you could love someone more than yourself

That was mean to say and it hurt to write but that's how it feels

Three years ago I was smiling hard because I was falling for this amazing person who not only liked me but had a look of promise in her eyes
I saw forever, a family, a life for us two and maybe when the time was right a third but tonight I'm not sure what I see

Or where I'll be if you ever come around to the promises you made
I can't live my life waiting on you
You're everything I need but time has changed you so much that all my efforts lack the appeal of you
My whole world flipped upside down by a young carefree princess who I believed and loved so deeply that it literally feels like my heart has been ripped out of my body and thrown away
It feel like my life was a lie and I'm sitting wondering if I will EVER be able to believe someone if tell me the same wonderful things you always said


I get change, change is great but I feel like one day you just flipped a switch and I was nothing to you

The memories of a full of love, happy you and I keep racing in my mind and I guess that proves the point of smile because it happened, don't cry because it's over

I wonder, if maybe I would have kissed you that night if you would still be mine tonight