To ebb and to flow,
To whither and regrow,
To rise and to fall,
To forget and be reminded,
To sway,
To float on a wave,
To bounce,
To swing back and forth,
To go through cycles, winter to spring,
To know,
To touch,
To feel,
To see with inner eyes, inner ears, inner heart.
Inclined towards what is sought.
Understanding the language of God

I don't know if it's true,
But I think I may have a temperature.
Doctor, what is your prognosis?
How do I heal this sickness?
My chest is burning,
Like an iron is pressed against it.
Well of course these are tears!
I guess I'm threatened by the silence...
I feel ill and feeble,
My only cure is to be with people!
Loneliness is evil,
Unnatural,
I need you by my side.

The old fog and the new light
Meet and unite,
I am there in the dawn.

Only now do I truly contemplate
The questions brought up in time;
What do I do with what was built
Among the people I know?
What is it I see beyond sight,
Beyond the horizon?
Why do I see an opening?
A different life -
When it is here I gave birth to the sun?

I understand,
I am consciously learning.
I heard familiar words uttered when
The leaves of autumn fell and
I said:
"I am starting to tell
The difference between the cries
Of heaven and hell."

In every moment, in every place,
I must be strong;
Especially in the night
When the darkness blankets my eyes
And casts its shadow over my heart.

It's okay to be upset,
But the darkness speaks,
And I listen intently,
But I must not believe everything it says.

It looks into me and and sees
My past, my history,
It says treacherous things
About the people around me.

I recognise it now,
Now that I fight to be worthy of your love,
My Lord.
I see it now,
And how it can cause me to sting and sink
My venom into the people I love.
And when I wake it becomes clear,
What a horrible person I was.

Closer than it seemed,
Yet further in my eyes;
Reflection upon reflection,
Effected and Effecting live, in real time.
One eye shut while the other is open.
Half truths from half-arsed perceptions,
They become lies, an artful deception.
Yet that does not stop the reality:
All things, two sides of the same coin.
All things separate, yet as twins were joined,
All things are all things,
Intertwined as one from the beginning.
Understand one, you understand the other.
I move my body and my body moves in the mirror,
Mirrors in mirrors upon mirrors
Reacting to each other.
So I flip the pages of this book,
Teaching me about my mind,
Teaching me to look with one eye,
A mirror covered,
And suddenly
What you seek becomes easier to find.

I shine bright and you don't notice.
There's always a miscommunication,
A misunderstanding
Between us.
Loving you has brought me nothing
But pain,
And it's caused me to distrust.
Three nights spent crying,
Wondering where you've been,
Wondering why you were so friendly with that woman.
I wonder
If I'm suffering for this because it's a sin?

I long for you,
I long for your approval.
I want you closer,
But loving you from this far
Has already caused me so much pain.
In fact, for loving you,
There's absolutely nothing to gain.

It's like the stillness of nature,
It is not calm,
Like the hesitation of a wolf
Who sees sheep led by a shepherd
In a distant farm.
Like the sound of a fly
That's too far away to ****.
You're hesitant, uncomfortable,
You prefer it this way but
It's still ******* your knees when
You're going downhill.

Sing! Oh people of the world!
Sing for the pain that brought you closer,
For the pain that taught you about trust,
Resilience, courage, charity, love,
For the pain that taught you about God,
Take hold of the diamond sword and,
Sing louder, oh people of the world!
And marvel at the pain,
So inhumane
Yet some became more human.
Cherish your cries,
Savor your tears,
Slay your fears!
And sing for a life lived in hours, days, and years!

Her skin glistens like honey,
Her scent pulls me like gravity,
Her curves incite potential.
She is hazy,
Like a ghost, or an apparition.
When I move forward, I don't get any closer.
She is my envisioned future.
And you grab her, father,
You pin her down and you **** her, father,
Repeatedly, you hurt her, father!
She turns bleak,
Her screams make me run!
And I run! But I don't get any closer!
Her tears stream and stretch towards me in rivers,
Her hand, outstretched, quivers,
But I run and I run
And I don't get any closer!
Stop!
Stop it!
Father!!

Does he know
That I fantasize about him?
Can he see it in my cold eyes?
Can he sense it when I stiffen?
Does he know
That I look at his strong arms,
And can he tell
That I long to feel them around my waist?

If he just looked at me,
I'm afraid he'll know
That my heart is racing,
My breath is quickening,
And my mind is blank.
I act so stupid around him,
So different.
Does he go off and realise
That I embrace his thought,
That it's in my head,
And that I play with it
All the way to bed?

How could I jeopardize
A moment of bliss,
A heart touched by your kiss,
A soul warmed in your hug?

How could I sabotage
This peaceful smile
A rewarding feeling that
All of my efforts were worthwhile?
Oh how stupid I was to have nearly
Let this all go
For something so flippant and transient.
There must be a sickness in the heart,
A disease in the mind,
But nevermind that
I feel healed in your love.

I embraced you for dear life
In my *****, where you comfortably reside,
To our detriment, our weights combined,
So in fear of violating the rights of mankind,
I release you, my love,
Though you may weigh heavy on my mind...

Out with the secrets,
The venom,
Out with it all.
Wear it all
In all its shades,
Out with it!
Even if you're scared!
Your concealment,
Your deception
Served you once,
Protected you once before,
It cannot protect you anymore!

So,
OUT WITH IT!
Spit it out!
Spell it out!
Say it like it is!
Be real, be honest!
Put it on your sleeve,
Your heart at the centre of your chest!
Tell them you can't hold!
You can't take it anymore!

This is me!
This is who I am,
This is what I want,
And what I deserve!
And you can see all my flaws,
And study my weaknesses!
I am not afraid of you!
You will see and behold
All there is to witness,
And you shall either yield
Or be expelled!

Here's to the girl who lied constantly.
To the girl who thought she knew reality.
She was onto something, definitely,
But this is the girl who reveled in stupidity;
To the girl who nearly sold her soul.
To the girl who was taken as a fool.
To the girl who was there for her friends,
Through thick and thin,
And didn't get the same back from them.
To the girl who knew everything about them,
Yet she was still the stranger.
To the girl who actively put herself in danger.
To the girl who became popular and was still lonely,
To the girl who never got to know me-

I'm here now.
You can stop crying.
I appreciate how hard you were trying.

I denied myself your garden of Eden,
The heaven that you promised me.
I denied it even though I was deeply swayed by its beauty.
I reject your love knowing that you loved me.
I reject my love for you too, baby.
I reject it all, though it has been hard for me,
Because I can't have any of it without the Almighty.

So God, please accept my attempt at courage,
And if this was a test, make it so that I've passed.
For the things I've done,
I do not ask for a reward, but,
May I request for your love to replace
The pains of the past?

I can see the distant storm,
Its anger looming,
Its inevitability grooming me.

The sky is wide,
It makes no sense to run from its shadow.
It moves like the sea
and I float in its current.

I was moving forward but now
I must fall back.
I have no choice but I'll always
Come back on track.

Must you count the creases on my forehead
For you to believe me?
Must you see my blood?
Must you see me crawling on my hands and knees
Towards your feet
Grovelling against stone and mud?

"See it to believe it,"
You hear it and still can't perceive it.
Must it be an object?
Must you be able to hold it? Feel it?
Must I give it to you so you can keep it?
Analyse it? Question it?
Will all that finally make you believe it?
Believe that this sorrow is real?
Believe in this pain I feel?
And what will happen then?
After you have seen me naked?
Will all that finally be enough
To pay for a hug,
To rent out a bit of your love?

"You are asking God to give you from his bounty,
And I ask, what makes you worthy?"
God's pool is pure,
And my hands are tainted.
What I ask for is for
The hand of one of your beloved.
Yet, will your servant want someone like me?

To be worthy of your bounty
And a man so great, surely
I must be tested?
I cannot expect the best when
The best does not deserve that which is
Far lesser than perfect.

I ask for a human,
Not a thing.
I ask for a man
Worthy to be a king.
I ask for a love so sweet,
For a mercy so complete,
But perhaps I must come equal to such a treat.

I thought I've come close,
But it's not enough.
I've learned that there is no love without knowledge
And no knowledge without love.
So now that this is acknowledged,
Perhaps loneliness wouldn't seem so tough.
I can see you want what is best for me,
And the best requires to rise up and above.

I am hopeful,
And I'll pray, everyday.
You promised I come in a pair,
You assure me that you are fair,
And when the time comes to receive that gift,
I must be ready and worthy of being there.

You look down on me from your high tower.
To me, you're full of beauty, strength and wonder.
I cannot count on the words you utter
To tell me the truth that lies in your heart;
Instead, I'll read your eyes as a start,
Then I'll study your expressions,
Look into the patterns of your mannerisms, your tone,
Study how you're different in private, with friends or over the phone.
I'll let you seep into my heart and mind,
Let you change me, I'll leave the me from the past behind.

All for what, I ask?
If it's a sin to love you...
Then why can't I let go?

Do I **** out the life from you
Like a leach?
Were you more excited about your future before meeting me?
Do I remind you of despair and insecurity?
Do I bring forth the future's unpredictability?
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!

Never thought about how all this could hurt you,
My Romeo...
The poison we'll take is heartache.
But which of us will have the courage to break this curse?
Which of us will drink from this cup first?
"Drink poison now, or live longer in thirst."

As I edge this vessel to my lips,
Romeo,
I remember the nights we spent together
Gazing into the lights in our eyes.
Romeo,
I remember you singing from the heart
As you held me tight, Oh Romeo...
Oh the things we'd whisper,
Oh the games we'd play.
And my favorite part was when
You would read my soul as if it was on display.

Yes, my Romeo...
I did warn you, didn't I,
That the lights that burn brightest, burn fastest.
And how bright did we burn for each other?
Oh how much did we yearn for one another?
But I still find myself yearning,
Dreaming of the possibility
That you'd see life the way I do.
But that isn't fair on you,
Neither of us will change.
"So the quicker we drink the poison,
The easier we'll be unchained."

Who is to heal
This broken heart?
Who is to save
My sinning soul?
Who is to tell me
Right from wrong?
Who is to fill
This gaping hole?

And when I search for an answer
I get an answer alright,
But it’s never so simple.
I’m maybe only a little lost
But I’m still lost alright,
Deluded until I’m exposed.

But I’ve made my resolve
I know what I must do.
But the tide and the winds
Keep shifting my view.
And now look at me,
Look at me and you,
Miles apart,
Nothing like the start,
Is it too later to turn this around?
Am I too high up to come back to the ground?

I want to be loved,
By both man and by God.
I want to feel it in my bones,
I want to feel it in my heart.

You say this is a test.
When I sleep I do not rest.
I can’t say I’m doing my best
When the wind takes hold of my chest.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am not fit to lead my hand!
I am weak,
The epitome of man!

For as long as I live
I will struggle.
There’s no longer a living model.
And my nature will see it’s limits.
It’s a mercy,
When all there’s left are minutes.

So tell me what to do!
When my desires push from you!
I am running out of time!
I’m turning my heart blind!
So save me from myself.
Save me from my kind.

They ooze out of my pores like sweat,
Beads rolling down my neck.
The sun is blinding, her heat burns.
Have you forgotten me?
Rendered as ash into an urn...

Oh friend of flesh, bone and blood,
Have you forgotten the times we've had
Playing over gravel, into grime and mud?
Oh flesh of my bone,
Oh garment of mine,
Why would you limit me like this?
Your cold winds push me back,
Its intensity stops me in my track.
Why?
Are you afraid?
Whatever it is, it has nothing to do with me.
Truly.
Yet you make me pay the price.
Is this the value of my life?
And when I am abandoned
By friends of blood and soul,
They leave me with no other, but you,
The only friend of Spirit,
Or so I am told.

Are the winds capable of carrying my voice?
How will I feel your presence?
How can you fill a human void?
You are far greater,
And my limits come short.
It is a puzzle piece,
and while you are the table on which I rest,
You are not of the missing sort.

Is it deception? A heinous act!
Perhaps my capacity is far larger
Than the perceived aspects of the things I lack.
And as I study the human mind,
I am reminded of all the people and things I need.
And I've concluded: all I need is people.
So how would God wish that I proceed?

Up the hill I go, through
Shrouds of obscure sorrows and transient joys.
Cold sweats,
Cold sweats,
Shed from me old skin and I pass
Old threats.
Is it a hill?
For I assumed an unobservable peak in expectation.

Is it deception? A heinous act!
Something I've told myself?
But if there's only up
For as long as I'm alive,
How can there be eternal ease
Under everchanging skies?

Breathe in, breathe out.
Dripping oil underneath my tongue.
Watch it repel the grey clouds.
Breathe in, breathe out.

I am bold, courageous, brave.
I can see the ripples of my actions and
I’m no longer scared, but curious again.
I am powerful, flexible, safe.
I am a life and I have influence,
And I can finally see what’s been taken.

This is who I was underneath the blindfold, the clouds.
Let the sun shine and let the light pierce my bones.
I can get what I want when I want it
Because the chains are undone
With a few drops
Underneath the tongue.

Revelling in its opulence,
I still thought the grass could be greener.
Poisoned with delusion,
My pride only grew with anger.
I had sought and I had sought and I
Suffered every step of the way.
I listened to the whispers and
My heart hardened, my eyes darkened,
Hair began falling, turning grey.
Poison seeped out my pores,
My words swayed those vulnerable
To have a share in my hell.

Dear God,
I have fallen.
This devil would like to return to heaven.
Purify my soul, offer me a chance
At redemption.
Dear God,
I admit to you with deep shame,
I have learnt my lesson.

Light of thine
Shining pon this heart of mine
Guiding me till I'm refined,
Showing me the signs
That I draw nearer to the Divine,
Purge the pain from my poisonous vines.

Your blood
Submerged in the soil
Helps a red rose to grow.
Once cut, it regrows,
It is cut and cut again,
Uprooted, burned, and poisoned,
But there is an infinite mercy that
Brings it back.
And as long as there is life,
There is a path to forgiveness.
And as long as there is life,
There is a chance.
As long as there is a heart,
There is healing.
So do not lose hope whilst you're bleeding.
Look around and see the chances given
Glittering like stars in the night sky,
Twinkling as they say hello and goodbye.
I wouldn't lie to you.
Your rose will always grow.
It is a promise worth fighting for.

You love me in this
Throne of skin and bone, glittering
and new, dripping with the honeydew
Of golden jewels.
These supple curves are an adornment,
Soft, and it bounces with the slightest touch!
It groans, and rumbles, shaking in its folds,
Ripe in its prime.
The moment is now, this is the time!

The blood pumps under plumped flesh with vigor.
My taste is of the pleasures of sweet wine and I
Grimace at the thought of vinegar.
Entertain me with your touch, squeeze, and caress.
My fruit craves to be exposed and undressed
For it is not too late.
Time will take its tole, age will make it old,
In a predictable fate.
I am immortal in this moment, capture me in this state!
Untamed and feral, under the influence of youth,
Too drunk to see the truth.

Whether buried in the depths of snow,
Where you don't always reap what you sow,
People come, and people go.

Be it in the fit of passion,
At the peak of love,
When precious time is either rationed or disposed of;
Or just when your rhythm settles on a flow,
People come, and people go.

Whether that is something you're prepared for or not,
Will you tend to that which can grow
Or that which rots?
Clench not, when a friend can become a foe.
You may run, but eventually you will know,
People come, and people go.

Father died,
And yet it was my mother who became a ghost.
She is the one still haunting
The memories of him.

"Who are you?" I ask her,
And she looks up as a teenager
On that sunny day when you first met.
Eyes glistening with love and promise,
At a time where I was not born yet.

Father, she says you visit her,
But in fact it is she who visits you,
No doubt about it.
She keeps telling me she wants to go home,
Because that is what you took when you left.
I ask her "where are you?"
And she finally recognises me,
But she stares at me in horror
The way she stared at you hanging from the tree.

Death is selfish, father.
Death doesn't just come for the dying
But for the living,
When it has made a phantom out of the heart of my mother.

She asks me "who are you?"
But I don't have the heart to tell her,
That's the truth.
Everyone has become a stranger, father.
Everyone but you.

The breeze was still,
And yet I huddled into your arms
Begging for your warm embrace,
Begging for your hold.

I spilled myself onto you,
I melted.
The slime, blood, and sweetness mixed in
With my juices.

But you held and listened to my tears flow as I
Gushed all over your hands and onto the very floor.
And on the night where the curtain between Heaven and Earth grew thin,
You respond with a voice I've grown to know,
A voice of love,
From without and within.

Though I hear it from my depths,
I know it comes from above.
And though I long for a simple death,
Instead you teach me how to ward these thoughts off.
And you remind me with your sweetest voice,
That although seemingly tough,
I need to believe in the different methods of love.

He made fun of my beliefs,
What I held closest.
He said "I love you,
But not for what you deem dearest."
So what did he mean when he said to me:
"I love you for who you are"?

He called me boring,
But didn't listen to my answers
When I listened to his questions,
So what did he mean when he said to me:
"We have nothing to talk about, maybe if you were more interesting..."?

I let him degrade me, just a little.
But I also let him show me love.
He called me pretty, beautiful.
He kissed my hands, my neck,
In the seductive way that he does.

He was worried for me,
And asked to speak when we were apart.
So what did he mean when he said to me:
"I would worry if your future husband would be breaking your heart"?

He got me flowers,
And a note on love.
He took me to the next city,
Took me up a mountain,
Carried me over a river,
Made me dinner,
He made me feel like his love was enough,
And yet at the same time,
He did not.

The colours of the night have gotten deeper,
I see the addicts in the dark.
The stars have grown distant and faint,
It gets colder when we're apart.
Have I let go of something good?
The sun was shining when you were here;
The laughter was stronger,
The days were warmer,
And of course there was joy in the air.
The charming thing about pleasure is
That they will come to an end but
I thought, "we'll cross that bridge
When we get there."

I am no different than those who've abandoned me,
I am no different than those who've hurt me.
Yes, I know, it has become repetitive.
I understand why I spent so much in avoiding this silence.

I am no victim, no exception,
For that reason, I want to keep my life.
I'll probably carry this grief wherever I go.
So old now, it's covered in mold.
I wash it off but it regrows.

It's the same thing, again and again.
I never mean the same to you,
And vice versa,
In a perpetual state of loss,
A cycle of death reminding me of itself.
This familiar silence, a memento,
It may never let me go.

The building still stands,
Cold, devoid of a soul,
We wait by its doors to
Say our goodbyes.

Every little bird passes by
One by one,
Looks back with a tearful smile
And a grateful heart,
And takes flight.
Our strings are not cut
But
It is stretching far and wide.
How exciting!
We are moved by the winds,
And in our laughter we cry,
We ask that you forgive our sins,
And take the chance to say your joyous goodbyes.

If you weigh as a feather
You'd shine as bright as the sun
And all those heavy knots will be undone!
You will be as if on a boat
Sailing safely across the sea,
And you'll happily sing a song
"No wave will phase me!"
And it will be true,
But this is known only to a few.
Whether part of the crew, or a captain,
You'll gladly play your part as you've imagined,
For this is how life makes its art.