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                                                               ­     Do you remember
                                                        ­                 the last time
                                                            ­        you said the words
                                                           ­                     "I
                                         ­                                     Love
                       ­                                                       you"
     ­                                                                 ­          ?

                                                    ­                +          +          +

    I don't

    I don't remember

    I don't remember
    the last time
    that I said
    "I
    Love
    you"

    I don't remember
    when I said it
    or to whom
    or why

    And now I can't escape this
    rotting feeling
    that this isn't a memory
    we should ever out-grow
    That this isn't a memory
    we should ever out-live
    That this isn't a memory
    we should ever get
    too far away from
    Now that I realize it's gone
    I feel adrift and lost without it
    like a greenhorn just realizing
    he's lost sight of shore
    for the first time

    The sudden realization
    that I couldn't remember
    that I've lost this memory
    that it must've been so long
    since I last said it
    to anyone
    for any reason
    that I've lost it completely
    sits so alien and unreal in me
    That I could've ever lost something
    so important
    something
    that has always just
    been there
    before
    something
    that should just be a backdrop
    to the rest of my life
    now gone
    and I didn't even notice it
    didn't miss it at all
    until now
    It's as if I suddenly realized
    one wall of my house was missing
    exposing us
    letting in the whether
    and I can't even remember
    when it happened

    And this is all only preamble
    just the lead-in
    to the real question
    Why?
    Why can't I remember?
    Why have I forgotten?
    Why has it been so long since I last said it?
    Why haven't I said it?
    Why did I ever stop?

    What am I waiting for?

you dug your teeth in like an animal
savage and deadly
your claws helping tear open the wound
as you poured in your poison
you used to be so kind
or at least it's how you looked in my eyes
but with every passing day
a piece of your mask faded
revealing the skin of a monster
and although i was warned
and told to run
seek refuge
hide
i did not fear you
for i thought i knew you
but all you ever did was lie
and make believe you were the prey
while your predatory gaze kept a watchful eye

how quickly you sprang
how vicious your jaw
how easily i fell

and somehow it was my fault
somehow i was wading
****** and torn
in a river of apologies
unsure of the meaning
always searching

in time i learned your ways
and i froze
waist deep in the river
unable to swim to the shore
and become dry
because you cried
because you filled my ear
with sweet whispers of "i love you"
i believed you
so i stayed

but now as i lay freely
staring up at the sun
feeling its warmth
on my newly healed wounds
i realized that you never loved me
because love is not a violent word

Grey marks the shivers and stutters that
Stop your throat from loosening,
Coughing out apology after apology.

The thin maroon excuse for warmth
Cuts into your arms and
A polo neck button placed too high
Helps the nervous cut into your
Throat, choking off words and
Well-wishes.

Look at this brand new, overpriced
And itchy navy blanket to
Wrap around your shoulders while
I bleach out your windcheater
See now, it's red.
Not quite the same as you remember
The little figures on your breast
Changed into a quill and some
Other absurdity you're not sure of
Yet.

Sit between these two red girls,
They're your angels so stop trying to
Hate them.
Give them all a chance, 9 weeks
At least because no one hates you,
You just hate this
System.

I am an artist
and no one gets it
But I see things
that they all gloss over.

I am an artist
and everyone laughs
But I can see millions
where they all see one.

I am an artist
and no one is jealous
But i see the Sky
while they see the ground.