i know intentions rarely matter
after all is said and done
but i feel like if i could just explain myself
and you hear me out just this once
i promise i wouldn't hurt you again
because that was never what i meant to do
you should be embarrassed for me
yet you think i'm embarrassed of you
i put myself out there and it didn't work out
life goes on another day
you shouldn't feel ashamed
for things i chose to say
and the people i chose to say them to
it was never supposed to be an attack
i just overshared in the moment
and now it's made its way back
i hope you won't hate me
but i'd understand why if you did
there's no excuses and i don't wanna make this worse
when i bet you already think i am a *****

hold me up
i'm slipping out
you're not even real
i'm no where near sound
of mind but i'm trying
to survive at least
with thoughts and dreams
distancing reality
because in theory
the fall wouldn't be so bad
but touch just feels icky
and i'm always too sad
it's comforting to hope
one day i'll function fine
just consumed by fantasies
in the meantime

i was sitting in the back of the bus today
and i was okay
or at least as okay as i will ever be
then it hit me
i have no one
not my mother
not my father
not my brothers
not my sisters
not the people at work
or the people at school
not this website
not even myself sometimes
i have no one to talk to
and that is why i am so miserable
when i cry
they never notice
when i leave
they don't care
if i disappeared
it take days for them to consider my absence
no one loves me
and they can't love me
until i love them
and i'm not sure i can do that anymore
or that i ever was
and that is why i am miserable
i've never felt so empty
but there are benefits i guess
to having yourself as your only friend
i can never leave me
i can never lie
but it *****
keeping it all to myself
because i see all these happy people
and i wonder what it is like
to actually say how you feel
without holding something back
and that is why i am miserable
i want i want i want i want
but sometimes i need
i know the only reason i am miserable is me
maybe if i was a bit more normal
things wouldn't feel so hard
but have you ever just got fed up
with the people around you
and just walked off because you could
i am not patient
maybe that is why i am miserable
and i am so tired of being ignored
till i have something people need
i wanna work by myself all the time
because people always ignore what i say
they basically ignore me all the time
even when they are trying to include me
i just feel so invisible
maybe that is why i am miserable
but this list could go on
and on
and on
lord knows my anxiety has no end
but does it really matter
no one really cares
i just feel so ******* broken
this is a call for help
a something i just can't describe
i've never been this miserable

i don't wanna go
if that means saying goodbye
but i know if i don't
that's asking a lot

i don't wanna know
if it'll make it harder to lie
guess i should just go
but my legs feel locked.

and i wish we could go back to being strangers
so i wouldn't know the things that you would do
it'd be so easy to give into this anger
but i'll get no joy from hurting you

just wanna know why you did it
why you did this
i cant fix it
how could you
stunned and sickened
thoughts all twisted
i don't wanna miss it
but i do

i've been crying myself to sleep every other night
when i'm not falling apart it's kinda nice
doing what you did you had no right
but thats cool it's what it is have a nice life

no more fighting to prove
how much i love you
just to be disposed of
when i'm not bending backwards to make you happy

i'm not gonna fight
with you the fiftieth time
meant all that ****
not gonna half myself for you to have me

***** that it took all this for me to know
you never had good intentions like i'd hoped
saw my optimism and reached for your rope
that's cold blooded ****** but you like it when i choke

no more lying to feel okay
or waiting for you to change
if you were gonna
you'd already be a better person and you're not

it's really kind of stupid
i begged you to do this
but i know better now
but will you listen when i ask you to stop

time flies when i don't think of you
but now i'm frozen in your arms
knowing you don't love me back
and all you mean is harm
you are a stupid boy with no love to give
but i want you despite knowing better
i keep falling asleep smiling
imagining us being together

how silly how stupid how childish how strange
you'll never look at me the same
you respond every couple days
indifference drives me insane

and i wait by my phone
expecting no answer
conversations drier
than the mojave desert
screaming in my head
this is never gonna work
bracing with each step
knowing this is gonna hurt

maybe i just like the pain
why do i see you this way
what is it you have they say
something i just can not claim

and i don't even care
but i'm just wound up
replaying the sting
of your friendly touch
goodbye and sweet dreams
catching another ride
everybody left
but i am still parked outside

all the time to waste
not really but i stall anyways
it's dark but this parking space
is enough to help me feel okay

you all go home
i sit and think
what is it
about me
that isn't good
enough for you
even though i just went out
to have something to do

what even was today
what are these choices that i made
shake it off and play it safe
overcorrections for deliberate mistakes

slow dancing to music you can't hear
stumbling in the middle of the street
everyone sees the car coming
yet there is no warning, not a peep
maybe they didn't want to interrupt me
when i'd finally found some peace
perhaps they just decided
they were done saving me

hollow and loud
my emptiness helps reflect the sound
of the voices telling me it's too late to try
die a little more inside
craving fulfillment
or a problem i could actually deal with
so stuck in my feelings that i can't think
each day brings me closer to the brink

no way
you're kidding
that could not be true

yet the more
i think about it
the more she fits you

okay i see you
your motives
and how you roll

glad to see
someone is actually
achieving their goals

how far do i have go
to show you this isn't a joke
two feet or a the next room
outside the only town i seem to know
a thousand miles
past the moon
how much distance will it take
to get to you

how far must i go
to make you understand
an inch in or maybe two
the length of your hand
or a million light years
or something even larger
is this something we can fix
or is it only gonna get harder

how far would you reach
to make this work
to rescue this love from an ending
it doesn't deserve
cause i could span the world
effortlessly
to keep you my love
but am i even something you want to keep

i'm something more than disappointed
but i don't know a word for the way i feel
so i guess i will be just disappointed
but i am so much more than that
i look at you
and all i feel is numb
and sad
and lonely
and mad
and
and
and
and
and

nobody wants me for me
only for what i can do
or give

i'm at a table full of people i know
but there's no one
to actually talk with

the painful realization
i have no one to run to
when i feel afraid

though you try to reach me
you dont try hard enough
and i pull away

and i can already see you
not noticing
but i won't lose sleep about it

it's amazing how lonely
a person can be
when they're constantly surrounded

like there's not even time
to just be me
or take off the mask

i want to stay
i do
but you remind me of the past

and i don't need you
trying to convince me
that it'll be fine

if i just relax
because their faces
say otherwise

and that feeling I get
everytime you
say the wrong thing

when you just do
and forget to think
when you hurt me

tells me that
being around you
ends in nothing good

but who cares
i'm not letting you go because i want to
it's because i should

cause if i cant
be happy for you
i shouldn't be around

it isnt right
to sulk in your shadow
and bring you down

it just it hurts
to see you tolerate
such trash

you'll defend your friends
and dismiss it when
they stab me in the back

when they ignore me
and make it impossible
for me to feel like I belong

you'll always choose them
you've always chosen them
you dont have to choose from now on

so stop reaching out
you never really cared
and itll hurt me more than you

so stop drawing it out
go find your other friends
and leave me alone to

cry
hate myself
and deal

it's gonna get worse
before it gets better
i only pray to heal

somebody is lying
and i know it's not me
you say whatever it takes
to slip underneath
defiling is easy
taking is too
irresistible sin
at least for you
but i'm too drunk
and i'm too scared
you're too selfish
to ******* care
i hadn't slept
on arrival i was wrecked
eyes a painful red
disgusted as i left
after two hours of awful sleep
the night finally hit me
and i cried the whole way home
i wish i just ignored my phone
they never mean what they say
they'll lie to get their way
half the job is done if they get you through the door
and since i accepted the invitation it cant be ****
i can hear the ***** gallery calling me a regretful *****

i dont need them to believe me
i just wish somebody cared

what did you come here looking for
nothing good i know
we can't go back though it'd be nice
there's too much to unknow
by now and we've already
ripped up the notes
abandoned the dreams
and sealed off the roads
gave up all hope

there's no coming back from this
i hate to say
you run back to me
but i can't keep you safe
feigning comfort in what you know
a familiar face
makes it easy to forget
how much you hate
me and our fate
carefully buried away
lying to yourself is not the way

hearing from you is so nice
but i need you to not
not intending to hurt you
when i ask you to stop

clouded by a need for affection
you think you know what i need
you just know what you want
even if its not good for me
even if its not good for you
you dive for the prize
i know how this ends
don't need to bleed out twice

i woke up this morning
without a thought
and it was nice

not hating myself
or begging
to die

it shouldn't be
this hard to
stay alive

i woke up this morning
hopefully today
is fine

the anger waits in my bones
till i'm all alone
and it makes do things i don't wanna

or maybe i do
because of how much i hate you
but disguise to avoid all the drama

but deep down it waits
perpetually stagnantes
till i can't hold it in

the urge to cause pain
to watch it register on your face
and sweep across your skin

only a couple words
or maybe something worse
but look at what i'dve done

i don't need to be you
or turn myself into
the monster you want me to become

i didn't wanna listen today
so that meant 'my vibe was off'
i didn't wanna cater to your feelings
or be subjected to you going on and on
about your poor decisions
when you consistently devalue our bond
i'm tired of feeling like we're getting somewhere
to get proved embarrassingly wrong
you pick everyone and everything over me
so i just couldn't care anymore
when you asked me to tell you how i felt
you just looked so detached and bored
i don't even know why you want to be friends
apparently you're looking for something more
i'm just tired of ripping up my feelings
to help you bandage yours

can't be breathing down your neck
can't force you to feel like i do
even if you've shown interest
it's not your job to
define this and understand that
it's just hard because i want all of you

eccentric and weird
bubbly and sweet
funny and okay
productive and shy
understanding and pessimistic
afraid and quiet
insecure and hurt
dying and invisible

don't get me wrong
i don't enjoy being alone
but i believe that i'm nothing
to everyone i know
so its hard to muster up
a smile everyday
even doing that
will make them call me fake
i want to make them happy
but i know i can't
the same fist to my face
is also my helping hand
confused by other people
they just can't see
who i really am
so they can't love me

i'm not inspired
i don't feel so good
i want out of the prison
of doubt and insecurity

but i don't have the means
in a rut
in my feelings
not sure how i'm enduring it

i did nothing today
i sat in my thoughts
like i didn't have a choice
but i did, did i not

and in the past
i'm not consoled
in the present
i've lost control
i love the ones
i never told
i leave behind
the ones i'm supposed to know
in the heat of the moment
awareness goes
out of the
metaphorical window
i just feel the heat
and the rumble in my bones
a burning sensation
as the words scrape my throat
and after i've lost my voice
and the moment implodes
we all go home
and i never gloat
because winning is losing
when you're all alone

so i nurse the wounds
and try to move
but even if i
apologize to you
our problems arent as simple
as talking things through
i walked away but you threw the first punch
both are true

but im almost willing
to take all of the blame
if i dont have waste
another day
feeling like you might die
and it ended this way

and i know thats
morbid as **** to worry about
but it's happened before
and i'm scared to find out
you're gone
and i was too proud
to figure **** out
or let my guard down
in the fight to be right
i feel like i might let you down

it's conflicting
knowing how much you've hurt me
and wanting you to see that pain
wanting you to take it away
in the way only you can
by understanding why it hurt
in the first place
but also wanting to live this life together
before we've gotten that far

i can't let you think its okay
but i can't let you walk away
i'm afraid
i did nothing today

the needle is in my arm
the dripping is far away
i'm soaking into the chair
overdid it today

i'm closing all the doors
pulling curtains and the house is dimmed
if anybody comes by
do not let them in

i'm dying on the couch
starving myself in more ways than one
maybe if i could swallow my pride
i wouldn't be alone

whatever
i'll change the channel now
i'll circle back to this in half an hour
settled into my sunken spot
and ready to rot and deflower

i'll stew in my sorrows
then rise for the occasion
ready to run away
but bound to my obligations

i wonder
how many tears i could cry in one sitting
i wonder
what it would take to fully break me
i wonder
why i get so down sometimes
i wonder
so much my brain hurts
i wonder
about nice things sometimes too like
i wonder
if marshmallows were created my accident

don't google that
just let me continue to wonder

this isn't really livin'
spiraling out of existence
tryna hold on to whatever could be strong enough
to keep me still for a minute
tired of the tornado
of being tossed around and being unable
to do anything about it because my
life feels out of my control
i don't even notice my descent
till i'm forced upon their normal lives and friends
makes me realize that i've missed so much
and i'm not sure i'll trust anyone ever again
terrified of dying alone because i'm just too damaged
they don't even realize their advantage
if their world comes crashing down
some will be there to handle the wreckage
if i die in my storm i'm lost to this earth
buried in rubbage and choking on words
tears stinging as i accept my fate
once again my everything hurts

you burn everything you touch
flames licking every surface
with your fingerprints littered all over my body
i turn to ashes in a furnace

i'm gonna be who i said i'd be
you can't take this away from me

i want to do what feels right
so i need to force you out my mind

i won't let my will go to waste
over your changing feelings and distracting face

it meant a lot but now it's done
you haven't reached out in months

so why am i still invested
even at all interested

exactly
and that's why i am done

disgustingly sweet
your loves leaves me with a bitter feeling
like we both deserve so much more than this

but there are times i lose myself
in your eyes, in my dreams
i forget myself with our kiss

you are real
you are something present, i can see you
something i can touch

but when i try to reach out
you disappear
and so does our love

ugly words from pretty mouths
i don't fit in with your crowd
you're better when you are alone
better when we talk on the phone
because then i don't have to see the distraction
i'm nothing important next to the main attraction
i love you i do but it's hard as hell
loving you makes me hate myself
because i don't feel like i have significance
each embrace reeks of indifference
i know part of you cares but it's not the same
as me worshipping the words that you say

i ******* hate you all
ripping pictures of the wall
can this one thing not be about you
or will you twist this narrative too

will you try make someone else the monster
for needing space and not being okay
will you push farther and farther
using excuses to worsen their pain

i don't know why you're like this
tragedy gets you excited
cause you see an opportunity
to receive so much sympathy

from people who don't really care about you
but thats not even the point
you just need to feel important
so you try to become the only voice

in a situation where many are hurt
and hurt them more with your selfish words
this is why everyone ignores your cries
just go too far to prove why you're right

when you are just being selfish
you just can't help it
it's gonna be such a lonely day
when you've pushed everyone away

because you can't let anyone 'win'
cause to you trauma is a competition
can you just respect someone you say you love
even when you're not with them

you told me not to worry
then you proved me right
i thought i was crazy
waging a war with myself in my mind

but now the cat's out the bag
and my constant questioning
is being replaced with
accepting you lied

perhaps i go about it wrong
i shouldnt pay mind to the boys you said
and even though they are brutes
i use them and make the wrong choice instead

the weight and touch feels nice
even if it is fleeting
the consequences arent too bad
compared to the loneliness it'd be treating

sure i get a label and a reputation
and i break a few hearts along the way
honestly i'm not too concerned
because no one bothered to prevent my pain

even when its nothing
its something
trying to make sense
aint it funny
that everytime i turn
you're running
it always has
got to be something

begged for communication
that wasnt fair
now you couldn't even
pay me to care
i waited for you
to figure out your upstairs
but you lied to me
and never moved a hair

you thought my patience
was bottomless
you thought you finally
found your audience
you thought i wouldn't
question the obvious
you thought a lot
but never thought that this

charade you pulled together
would fall apart
you thought you secured
your place in my heart
once you revealed
the way you actually are
pulling away
was anything but hard

you told me you would work on yourself
i never asked you to change
wanted to see you happy
but you just wanted things your way
you never even tried to be better
which is  a ******* shame
nevertheless i'm beyond this now
glad to get away