no mistakes here
did that **** on purpose
created the situation
but don't feel you deserve it
look where you are now
are happy by yourself
do you regret how you reacted
will you try to blame somebody else
for all the problems in your life
once again and make no change
and turn the anger inside of you
towards the ones you claim
to care for because honestly
i don't care to know the outcome
after all the **** you pulled
i am past beyond done

flood of emotion
causing commotion
there is valid concern
to question my devotion
do i mean what i say
or am i high on the pain
of knowing that you will
never love me the same
maybe it's both
i'll never know
i dream of reconciliation
but ultimately won't
get what i want since
i can't even convince
myself to come to terms
or find acceptable reasons to make amends
i want it with all my heart
but the situation's a little too charged
just wanted to feel something
and now things have been taken too far
i know i've spent too much time dreaming
too far gone to trust my own feelings
in the beginning maybe there was something
but now i'm just creating my own endings

drunk on a doorstep
how'd i end up here
maybe i shouldn'tve acknowledged
my deepest fears
maybe i shouldn't have said anything
before i was sure how i felt
but i was freaking out
and i needed somebody to tell
and i needed to let it out
and get it off my chest
one thing led to another
you already know the rest
i don't even know i'm saying sorry for
you're the one who made me a joke
you get laughed at once
and suddenly i'm the one being cold
i understand why you don't like it
but frankly i didn't either
i'd say let's call it even
but i can tell by your demeanor
you dont want to hear a word from me
so i'm stuck here confused
if you don't want me to apologize
what else am i supposed to do
because we can't avoid each other forever
we share too much to succeed at that
at the very least i wanna address the issue
even if i can't take it back
so we're not walking around the problem
letting it become bigger than us
to the point it's so ******* awkward
being in your vicinity *****
maybe im being hopeful
but i am dying to work this out
**** can we just be cool
cause you're always gonna be around

swinging feet
ledge of a bridge
but what if
i accidentally slip
reality suddenly
violently persistent
would you
wanna come with
or would you
just sit
at the top
of the cliff
while the rocks
shred me to bits
or could you not bear
to watch it
do you want to be
my friend

i know intentions rarely matter
after all is said and done
but i feel like if i could just explain myself
and you hear me out just this once
i promise i wouldn't hurt you again
because that was never what i meant to do
you should be embarrassed for me
yet you think i'm embarrassed of you
i put myself out there and it didn't work out
life goes on another day
you shouldn't feel ashamed
for things i chose to say
and the people i chose to say them to
it was never supposed to be an attack
i just overshared in the moment
and now it's made its way back
i hope you won't hate me
but i'd understand why if you did
there's no excuses and i don't wanna make this worse
when i bet you already think i am a *****

waited for you to claim me
but you never made that advance
come to learn i was never
part of any plans
just a distraction for the meantime
you say i'll have to understand
an opportunity i never had
can not slip out of my hands

first full moon of the year
not enough light to see clear
but there's not much of need
to see beyond the trees
when you know nothing good lies beyond them

in my sanctuary of leaves
no one searches for me
i'd be upset but they never cared
the peace of being absolutely nowhere
caring for lost friends without a need to stalk them

i guess what i really meant to say
wouldn't even matter anyway
i take up space in the doorway
knowing i got nothing to useful to say

in the end there's not much i can do
but acknowledge the fact i still love you
in whatever i mean when i use
that word and if it means what i want it to

i know i'm the one who made things this way
still confused about it anyway
you were more than willing to stay
but i didn't and don't see anything worth trying to save

i think i just miss not being alone
but thats not a good enough reason to go
and keep leading you on when i very well know
i've got more than enough issues for us both

the presence of a question
doesn't guarantee an answer is out there
they say follow your heart
but i'm so unsure and scared
should i already know what i'm doing
am i just unprepared
i don't know if there are reasons to live
or if i even care
it's just a lot constantly
one thing or another and i feel it when
i'm consistently undervalued
or pushed to the brim
i know ive got patience
but i find it harder and harder to reign in
i know the person i want to be
but i can't even manage to be my own friend

the first thing i forgot was your face
then your voice
and then you
it was for the best so its okay
but i struggle
with what to do
when your laugh plays for my ears again
and i feel
drawn back
too much as happened
couldn't undo the damage
even if we both wanted that
but your happier without me
even if you take your blame
and say nice things
i know that you're happy
that you got away
from me

push me down the stairs
tell everyone i tripped
putting your bag in my chair
so i have nowhere to sit
question for me
but you answer it
actively getting between
me and my friends

sensed competition
but i don't know why
is it something i have
or some idiot guy
going out of your way
to complicate my life
don't know what i did
to get on your bad side

just wanna be happy
why is that so bad
i can't care anymore and i am sorry
if that makes you sad
always complaining about something
i tried to have your back
but the negativity gets old
real ******* fast

all i need is a reason
but you can't give me that
because you know i'm right for this
even if it makes you mad
i tried to be there for you
now we're just on different paths
so many things i want to have
can't miss something i never had

eggshells
can't be myself
you beg for help
and i'll burn in hell
if i leave you alone
don't know how id cope
if you reached the end of your rope
and i just let you go
but i can't keep you above the flood
i can't just pretend i'm in love
your negativity is too much
tell you i was asleep even though i was up
because i didn't wanna speak
put too much onto me
pressured into caring
and i desperately want to leave
this situation unscathed
don't know how to walk away
don't wanna cause any more pain
just don't wanna suffer in an effort to save
someone i can't find empathy for
interactions strained and forced
eyes always on the door
go anyways because you deserve more

can't be who you want
though i wanna see you happy
convinced the answer to all your problems
is to have me
but you can't just have a person
i'm not a means to an end
i'm not a fool to mold
or rule to bend
can't cut me to perfection
to fit your narrative
think i don't notice your affections
but i'm awfully aware of them
and i'm trying to be respectful
though you don't think as much of me
benefit of the doubt
even if you don't deserve such niceties
i wont let you make me become hard
but you'd be dead wrong to think i'm soft
you tear into me for figuring out who i am
when at least i know what i am not
it's in my nature to be supportive
but i can no longer offer my services
i'm tired of being pulled apart
so you can figure out what your purpose is

have to remind myself my i'm not the things you call me
not weak for being exhausted
allowed to be hurt
allowed to feel
don't need to fight to just exist
but with you
i do
it's always something
i try to see your humanity
but i stopped loving you long ago
all i feel is cold now
there are things i hate you for
that i can not forgive
but i'm good at ignoring my feelings
thats the only way i have survived
i hate that its like this
but it is
i don't think we'll ever know each other
because you will never compromise
and i won't worship you
i'll respect you
but you won't respect me
and its that simple unfortunately
i hate it
i hate you
for hating me
you say you don't
but you despise me for not being complicit
for not being just like you
i'm sorry i guess
but not really
you're willing to hurt me to prove a point
and thats where you lose me
you're willing to hurt someone to be right
and i can't get behind that
i'm not sure anymore
just tired
and constantly belittled
and picked at
and pushed down
and held back
and blamed
for things i didn't do
and out of my control
cast as the object of your rage
the bane of your existence
everything you hate
my generation
and opposing beliefs
you just hate me
and won't admit it and it's tiring
if i pulled the same ****
you would ****** me in cold blood
and i know it
because you can't control your temper
how ironic
you always say i'm acting out
and being irrational
when you push me to my limit
but you're the one who can't handle reality
nothing will ever make you happy
so you make everyone else miserable
hope you're happy with that

haven't gave in in a while
but i'm too weak to keep being strong at the moment
i know i'm not weak for showing emotion
but the second i do there's the notion
that i'm unstable for being tired
or that because i'm tired you can't be tired
i never said that but what i say doesn't matter
i agree to disagree and i'm wrong and a habitual liar
however you want it at this point honestly
nothing but submission will appease you
and that's something i just won't do
so you force me to stay and try to argue
over things sane people don't argue about
you claim disrespect when i just won't bow down
i don't call you stupid for your beliefs
but you constantly hound
me for existing because in my indifference i spite you
which i will never understand to be frank
i don't try to change people because it's not my job
i just wanna make the world a better place
in the ways that i can and i don't know how that is yet
you judge me for not having all the answers
just because you can ask opposing questions and create doubt
doesn't mean you win or you're right it just means you can pander
i could make exceptions all day
and push hypotheticals to the limit
but i'm just tired and wanna go to bed
but unless i change my mind you refuse to end it

empty highway
crowded mind
needed some space
went for a drive
music loud
on a quiet night
it's just how it is
getting used to life

but at what point do i acknowledge
how crazy things have gotten
how far do i let my thoughts roam
before i have to stop them
i wanna do the right thing
but there's not many options

broken white lines
boundaries i can cross
walls i couldn't climb
cliffs i fell off
know i'm going too fast
but it's too late to stop
running out of gas
in the middle of a thought

what's stopping me from crashing into
the next light pole i see
the universe already proved
no one cares what happens to me
if there's no redemption
what the point in suffering

no traffic this late
good to feel alone
i only feel comfortable crying
on my own
it's getting harder and harder
to focus on the road
i feel more in control
the faster i go

which seems kind of backwards
but it makes enough sense
i don't think i've felt okay
since i was a kid
but i'll pretend it's okay
so i don't lose my wits

brake seems to be broken
but i couldn't care less
always know i was gonna
end in a wreck
nobody is gonna
clean up my mess
honestly it feels like
it's all for the best

and i know it's wrong to think that way
but i'm tired of fighting the tide
tired of denying the way
i feel deep inside
i'm sorry but this is the truth
i tried to hide

wheel starts slipping
struggling to care
losing my grip
high beams glare
into the void of night
life isn't fair
no destination
i'll let them wonder where

crazy how it is
know it's none of my business
but i can't believe this ****
about speechless
like how did we end up here
too much coincidence
but it is what is
i'll try to let you finish the sentence
knowing **** well
no excuse will make sense
gotta let you finish
but it's senseless

just want someone to talk to
when i'm unsure of the path
and see through the panic
i try to mask with a laugh
paint it as a joke
so it doesn't seem so bad
knowing **** well
it's tearing me in half

just want someone to listen
when i feel i have to be quiet
labeled unimportant feelings
so i try to hide it

but it kills me inside
not knowing what to say
feeling all the pain
but not being able to explain
not knowing the words
to articulate
the particular kind of shame
that swallows me everyday

waking up with a smile
knowing that night would come again
you were the best part of living
man would i do it again
cause when the sun set and curtains closed
i said things i could never take back
in my lonely bed i'm not sure how to feel
i try to piece together your laugh
from memory but i've forgotten already
i am scared to have the realization
i shouldn't have pushed you away
but it was the right thing to do in the situation
you were just too far away
and i am as unlovable as they come
i know there's so much time left
and i know that i'm still young
but what if i threw away my chance
and i'm ****** for the rest of my life
i miss hearing about your day
in the dead of the night

you don't dream
i wished them sweet
at the very least
get yourself some sleep
you know that you need it
and the timing is convenient
it's okay to show some weakness
when no one's awake to see it
so close your tired eyes
and succumb to the night
in the lonely bed you lie
one day things will be alright