the drop of a hand
the spoiling of plans
trying to understand
how unfounded i am
how reckless i became
the risks barely scaped
how i find myself in shame
how i'm the one to blame
for the loss incurred
i swallowed your burs
and weathered your worst
even drew blessings from a dying curse

but now it's my turn
my lips have been pursed
and it's a poor choice of words
but i've had it worse
not to compete in the slightest
or to complain or rescind kindness
but in recovery from my blindness
and a surfeit of your highness
i call forward to motion
my efforts and devotion
the letdown of vows found broken
the swelling and tender underbelly of emotion

that which you carved with relish and concentration
channeling something much deeper and primal than hatred
an appetite darker yet related or fairly adjacent
drawing up the last of my fading patience
flicking the needle but being careful not to waste it
and i smiled in wan vacantly complacent
unaware of the future rapidly reshaping
nothing i could do but plant myself to brace it
coming face to face with my very own replacement
coming to terms with such a draining arrangement
that ****** up my mental but you don't want to claim it
i still grieve for you but i don't want say it

with the blink of an eye
you made a different life
didnt even try to fight
barely even said goodbye

that hurts me more than i wish it did
but i guess i gotta live with it
bury my stake in the high road and draft my penance
what crossed your mind when you called it good riddance
i'm so confused then abused by your ruthless decisions
you cared about me until you just didn't
recanted before i crashed out but wouldn't admit it
you waited until you found something to pin it
on me so you could move on without feeling like a villain
the last of your efforts just costumed resentment
taking an early check out on a solemn commitment

i prayed everyday not knowing
my hopes were sisyphean
i broke my jaw and choked on my tongue
and suffocated when i grew tired of screaming

might have bowed out so regretless
to maintain a clear conscience never to consider
carrying yourself with such faithlessness
won't leave you feeling very chipper
and one day if it wasn't worth it
and you see my name hiding in your coffee mug bitters
the universe would be playing a cruel joke on you
it's quite uncouth to become a belated gravedigger

i sit and ponder
everything that's gone sour
making sense of the guts
and grinding the bone to powder
no suffering should go to waste
gotta make it worth something
the gracious aren't unscathed
and the privileged aren't forthcoming

i can't in good faith
say everything happens for a reason
because there's much depravity and injustice

and for all of the pain
i might never break even
but at the end of the day i learned something from it

hold your loved ones a bit closer
count your blessings and kiss goodbye
even in anger we are loved
you can give up but you still gotta try

i'll never be healthy
if i continue
monetarily
emotionally
boundlessly
supporting these people
no matter mow much i love them
it makes me want to die
that i have to watch them
suffer to then
repeat these cycles
and bring more lives into it
the world feels like such a miserable place to me
i know there's happiness out there that exists
in some shape or form
but i don't feel like it's going to find me
unless i let go of everything i love and know
but if i do that
i wont have anything to hold onto

do i just float away at that point?

if i set myself on fire
i would die knowing i gave and i gave
but it'd be all for nothing
cause nothing might ever change

i stared into the fire
and the flames bent to form an image
no one else could see

i sat out in the rain
till my fingers turned blue
and ran my hands under cold water

it burned like a *******
relatively scalding
and i hate that this is where i am

warmth sounds almost unbearable
compared to suffering i know
don't tell me i'm not feeling enough

i've felt so much
i open my chest
and swallow the world with my eyes
and dissect all the ways that it hurts me
and regurgitate what little sense i make

is it wrong to not want to stay in the cycle
am i wrong to leave you behind
i don't wanna contribute
i never did
that's why i won't have ******* kids


i told you to your face tonight
how shallow my well of reasons draws
to keep playing such stupid games

if love isn't enough
then what even is
i was born without permission
and i live in this world
but i'm never gonna change it

yeah
that's it for me

inside my mind
i imagine
throwing it all into the fire
and forgetting it all
the clothes off my back
a fresh start
of sorts?

but is the inherent value
of all that ive built
worth trying to restore its former glory

or i'm pouring even further into a sunken cost

is it harder to kiss it all goodbye
or to realize i never should have left

lake of fire
tucked away
coyote cries
not so far away
simpler times
never come our way
we don't wanna
but we always find a way

no faith to find in hell
so we can only question this existence
why our parents had kids
and why theirs did and the ones before them

how could you do this to me
to us
ungrateful unsatisfied unfruitful
as ****

dying flames
topped up another time
the locust choir
fills the night
in these moments of respite
the stakes are still high
the world at my fingertips
but at the cost of goodbye

i don't want to reach out for dreams
because they might underwhelm me
but the unexciting reality
itself grows expressly underwhelming

it's better to have love
than to lose it all pursuing phantasm
always grateful but too young to be choosing
to live in contempt or indulge in bad habits

to shed my hesitation
and finally go rabid
does the real thing feel this good
after you've had it?

i don't know and i won't ever
if i keep myself in check
i like being here with us together
it's just so easy to get swept

up by ideals
and things so contingent of following ungrounded reverie
i come home to you for all that is
i'm not heartless in my revelry