i think i'm gonna be sick
i thought about it
and i realized something new
i've been doing that a lot recently

in the moment you can push on
but in hindsight every aspect can be magnified
individual actions scrupled upon
like never before

disssecting a microcosm of a major failure
who's i don't know
but i am realizing just how broken i am
and how much you never gave me
compared to how much you have to give

i wish i hadn't given it my all
not when you couldn't imagine what that's like
i'm having new realizations
but i keep asking who am i
i didn't have the chances to get so far
as to understand one singular thing about myself

hope you can appreciate all you have
and all you'll never feel

i could sit here and curse you
but it wouldn't be honest
held on to us so tight
that when you left me i lost it
and when i fell in the spiral
you watched as i circled away
with the tears and reasons
then plugged up the drain
so i sit in my darkness
alone for the first time since we met
and i oscillate between emotions
anger sadness regret
stuck in a cycle
of wanting to return to what's safe
then remembering that now
it could never be the same
so i sit in the black hole
that was once us
and choke on my tongue
burn it with love
a word i don't think i know
enough to have used it so freely
that's why i'm thrashing around
as the last of it leaves me

and i know it's not the end of the world
but i'm hyperventilating and my vision is cracked
i'm too young to feel so chewed up
yet everything fades to black
almost died for something i never had
and i cry as i spread my brother's ash
i'm not special and i know that
the world is gonna get a whole lot smaller
before it's get bigger and i know that
and i know i've still got so much to learn

i could sit here and curse you
but it wouldn't be right
i'm valid in my pain
but it's no reason to fight
cause i'll never be proud
of making do than doing well
and hating you with all my soul
won't make me love myself
in this time of fortitude
i want to do more than cling to my weapons
being brave doesn't mean 'winning'
maybe letting go is the best lesson

congratulations and farewell
oh the stories we both could tell
but that would be in bad taste

goodbye and good riddance
you grew fond of my permissance
and now you recoil seeing my face

whatever happened
may never be clear
if erasure is what you want
for the last 5 years
that's honestly really sad

i can't stop you
but i can grow on
when you're ready
i'll be long gone
and it'll be just too ******* bad

i see the storm clouds rolling in
should probably head back in
but my afternoon has just begun
and i didn't get to see anyone
i'm being stubborn and careless
just to be out on the terrace
soaking up the last of dancing rays
in the last of my suffering days
i really oughta close the window
but i like how it feels when the wind blows
i didn't feel anything for a long long time
and its selfish but who cares if i die
at least i died free
if it were following my wishes
the last you'd see of me

You read my poems
That makes me so happy
You enjoy my words
Even if they're sappy
I'm glad you like the poems I do
I'll keep writing these poems just for you

taking the cowards exit
because to hate is easier than to love from afar
and how can i hurt myself like that
when you knowingly broke my heart

i tell myself i'm allowed to change
i think i just say that to feel okay
with everything that has happened
yet i still feel drained

i can live with myself
if i end up being wrong
but what if i can't find a purpose
once you're gone

i tell myself i'm young
and i wont get it right the first time
but i only have so many chances
before i **** up my life