that kindness i'd extended
withdrawn
i hoped you'd be different
i hoped wrong
you dont know what you want
dragging this on
want me soft enough to crush
want me easy and gone
i dont care at all
but i still do
tell myself
i dont want to hear from you
but there's nothing wrong
with the truth
a small part of me wishes
you're wishing too
struggling with accepting
that i'm not wrong feeling these ways
the highs of intimacy
and the confusion of space
wanting all the beautiful things
strewn about my brain
quite far from reality
but it's an addicting escape
from the depressing finalities
set in stone
i listen to logic
but i also don't know
it all makes sense
but i still don't
want it to end
but i won't stop you though

i took all of my chances
and its your turn to walk off the ledge
backwards
and blindfolded
just trusting me to catch you
and who knows
maybe i just would
or maybe you'd fall into the same trap
but you'll never find out
because you don't find me worthy of such
probability

till one day love came to take us
where is something we do not know
she covered our eyes and hushed our lips
and delivered our lonely bones
to this we find ourselves
personal hells

the mess is made and i see it clear
i want it better but i want you here
i'm either doubtful and lonely
or lonely and doubtful
can't make the sun rise on me
everyday feels the same
groundhog day

and i feel bad so i try
but you want that reaction
you dont really want me
you want an idea
an ideal
craving ****** attraction
and i understand
but i just can't

be nothing to help you feel
i fall apart and you leave me to deal
you want an ideal
not the person whose actually real

and that makes me want to die
all the love i have despite
every reason you could think of for me to not
yet i do and all it does is cost
ah

stop asking
you dont want to know
you dont want it
but you won't leave it alone
shaking something fragile
you'll be cut up when i break
you dont want any of this mess
but you ignore everything i say
you want to hear something
you asked me not to feel
can't rely on what if's
and it's never allowed to be real
so where do we go
from this awful place
the need for closure
competes with the plead for space
do you want my kindness
or do you need forgiveness
if i'm immature for my secrets
why are you still showing interest
i tried to keep my heart to myself
so you couldn't tear it up to shreds
still did myself no good
the fog takes up my head
it's easier to forget
and you won't own your end
i just dont know how you expect me
to be okay and be your friend

you dont have to love me
i already know
it's always something
out out my control
beyond my power
i'm weak and you're repulsed
want my patience and affection
but can't bear to keep close
which is it now
what's it gonna be
you can't have it all
and be indifferent to me

i gotta know

what else could be a problem
i couldn't even say
i wake up everyday
and find new ways to waste
the little energy i have
on people who never change
wanting to be acknowledged
but just gonna have to wait
or move on before
i give the last of it away
and i can't muster up the effort
to convince myself to stay

i am trying
but thats nothing
when i have nothing at the end of the day

i wanna be understanding
and share so much love
but that gets drowned out by the pain

i woke up this morning
and knew inside
i just knew
you couldn't ever love me
not because i'm unlovable
or anything bad
but just because
you only feel me as a stroke to your ego
because who else
is asking about your day
or hearing you out lately
and wanting to know your woes
or sending a message first
no one
and i just wanted to be nice
and maybe show you what it could be like
and i really thought i liked you
and i'm not gonna stop being kind
but i can't pretend this isn't what it is
i'd die before i let myself become
a nothing to someone
who wants me to curate they're everything
so they can live without feeling
i'm not an emotional cumrag
i wanna see you happy
but i wanna be happy too