behind a corner
i think of you
cant hold your eye
but can make a fool

acting distracted
but fully glued
to every little thing
you do

and i said something
but not to you
oh good god
never to you

and it felt weird
and it's still new
coming off weird
but not trying to

and i'd meet your gaze
if was that simple, see?
and i'd take the leap
but my confidence is atrophied

and my life is a mess
and i'm just me
so it's nothing, i swear
i lied through my teeth

like i am right now
a feeling so sweet
tampered down
by a will just as weak

when my love scabs over  
i peel myself open again  
bleeding just feels so real  
and lately i've sunken into myself  

coming back empty handed and hearted  
still love you, still hate you  
still suffocated  
but no one can ever tell  
  
and i weigh every interaction  
against my worth  
just to free fall  
into delusion  
  
just to break even  
i sell my soul  
splintering bones  
playing along despite the intrusion  
  
just to feel decent  
i ignore the signals  
from my brain to my body  
screaming to run  
  
so do tell again  
what it is that i need  
or what is it that i should do  
or how it just isnt ever enough

interwoven
yet totally disparate
imparticular
and frustratingly intricate

did you even think before

deciding for another person
where do you get off decrying your worst sin

some might be gracious
but your gift is more than fruitless
the weight of your actions were always mine
and at some point i think you knew it

and you still added more

to this day you still refuse your sentence
guess you had to find some way to live with it


and i will never understand
and i will never hold your hand again
and i dont have it in me to be a friend
not when we were supposed to be family

not when you were supposed to protect us
not when you'd rather excuse than acknowledge
the rot you delivered us into
and the horrors in which we were abandoned

and the pain you turned away with discomfort
and your heinous ability to forget the worst
in an effort to obtain personal salvation
cause **** the kids you brought into this ****** up world

cause it isn't your fault
we hurt, right?

keep telling yourself that
it will never be true

the freedom i was chasing
was never so far
i blamed you i blamed life
i blamed myself
i blamed my heart

but really it was just divinity
or maybe just the way things go
i searched for love for peace
for mercy for belonging
for a place that felt like home

now the understanding presents itself
just like this
you can try and fight change
but the simple fact that always was and will be
is that it just is