is it cruel to still have love in my heart
at the same time as i manifest your downfall
every other night you invade my dreams
and i wake up with ache of having lost it all
i want what might have never been
i wish things were different
i just wanted a friend
and you wanted me to be convenient

guess we both get to leave unsatisfied
though your complaints are far from fair
if i was so annoying why'd you stay
if i was too emotional why'd you let me care
claim all you want but i rest easy knowing
i ran myself empty to be who you needed
and that wasn't smart
i hate to rethink it

but my problems with you
are beyond simple disappointment
you built up the most fragile part of me
and then destroyed it
you lied and you held back
you did what was easiest for you
and its ugly but i hope one day
someone makes you feel this way too

i'll kick my rocks
until i get home
wherever that may be

and maybe down the road
after a lot of time
i'll be able to forgive me

everyone keeps telling me it's sad
and it was

but truly now
it's not even worth bringing up

cause i love you
sure do hate you
and many other things between

but i can't trust you
and i can't save you
from whatever this life might bring

you could have at least closed the door
before you jumped out the window
i'm not so awful and i was too patient
a small part of me still waits out in the cold

am i only meant to be beautiful
did i fracture the illusion by trying
sometimes i feel it, most times i don't
waiting for your judgement feels just like dying

still got that hole in my chest
and limp in my walk
drinking shallow breaths
as i turn into the wall
i rested my head on
as i pictured bashing it in instead
till it became pulp
and the bad thoughts oozed out red
maybe then it might all be okay
but no it's still all wrong
telephone wire nooses
cut down before they get too long
stop calling cause i'm busy
trying to find a **** to give
before i spontaneously combust
before i even truly lived
cause the list is growing
and i'm not even started
cooking cleaning making nice
******* up and having to restart it
and feeling so irredeemable because of it
and incapable and sick to my soul
would call out but i can't
because i'm also ******* broke
would call you but i slept late
cause i spent all night losing my ****
its been so hard to sleep
that i've just started making lists
that never end and don't help
quash the feelings of distraught
the world tells me i'm an okay person
but i still feel like i'm not
almost misshapen or off put
a satisfactory answer for sure
but not the best example
not what she was looking for
so just off kilter
and not quite right
hard to love and
broken of mind

i've paced a circle
in the carpet of my mind tonight
and those ballerina feet left a trail of red
against the yellowing white alright

1 step
  2 step
     3 step
                    4

whatever happens

don't
  open
     that
                    door

i wasn't prepared for how it feels
to be right in this circumstance
sick to the bottom of my heart
replaying the argument over in my head
when the venom was spewing
it wasn't meant to harm
just to dissuade or persuade one another
to lay down our arms
but the flames have swallowed you whole
another abandoned soul
i want to rewind and change it all
but i have no such control
instead i'm right
and you are suffering
i saw it play out in theory
but seeing it is another thing
i want to spare your pain
but the price is paid
i want to offer reprieve
but there's almost nothing to say
when it is what it is
and what was is set on its course
take the visions away
i don't want to be right anymore