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flushed cheeks
i say what i mean
i think other things
but thats mine to decode and obscure

and i see
underneath the chinks
the fibre of your being
something i've craved but never could procure

so if you'd ask me
i might just say it
but if we're joking
i'll take complacence
and if we're not
don't be mistaken
on just how far
i'm willing to take this

in a guilty decree
and my quietest dreams
i get to be me
never thinking to be anything else or more

so if you'd kindly
heed my plea
i beg you to memorize me
and hesitate at the cracked door

knowing its wrong
but taking it in
a push and pull
we both could win
i know its a lot
but if you'd just let me in
i'd like to think
that you might not want ever again
how do you plead?
i tried to hold the door for you
and you slammed my hand in the jam for the favor
i'm more of a i cant push this off in good faith
and you're a why cant we just talk about it later
and oh i tried to bridge the gaps
and you just blamed the distance on me
so maybe i threw the match
but we were already saturated with gasoline

and on my way out you spit in my face
i feel the venom and your need to be right
and you tell me i'm the most hateful person you know
then dont even say goodbye
such a glum note to leave on
i will die before you believe much less defend me
if you really felt that way
what did you even want with me
where do i even
begin

is this really
finally
quietly
the end

my love you hurt me so
interwoven
yet totally disparate
imparticular
and frustratingly intricate

did you even think before

deciding for another person
where do you get off decrying your worst sin

some might be gracious
but your gift is more than fruitless
the weight of your actions were always mine
and at some point i think you knew it

and you still added more

to this day you still refuse your sentence
guess you had to find some way to live with it


and i will never understand
and i will never hold your hand again
and i dont have it in me to be a friend
not when we were supposed to be family

not when you were supposed to protect us
not when you'd rather excuse than acknowledge
the rot you delivered us into
and the horrors in which we were abandoned

and the pain you turned away with discomfort
and your heinous ability to forget the worst
in an effort to obtain personal salvation
cause **** the kids you brought into this ****** up world

cause it isn't your fault
we hurt, right?

keep telling yourself that
it will never be true
like some unorthodox orphan
but really i'm just alone on a big *** rock flying through space

i wonder who i could have been

i used to wish i was adopted and that my real family was coming to get me

because i knew i didn't belong
and now i know i never will

truly
is it not my right
to wish i'd never been born?
the freedom i was chasing
was never so far
i blamed you i blamed life
i blamed myself
i blamed my heart

but really it was just divinity
or maybe just the way things go
i searched for love for peace
for mercy for belonging
for a place that felt like home

now the understanding presents itself
just like this
you can try and fight change
but the simple fact that always was and will be
is that it just is
i'm working on it
soft click
and the turn of a deadbolt
you left me here to die

surely

from the day i was born
you saw what you wanted
and tried to live my life

for me

and my fawn legs buckle now and again
living in the real world
on my own for the first time

sorely

you didnt prepare me for ****
just ruined my entire perception
guess you did give me that reason to cry

its always
always pouring
through the keyhole
our eyes once met
i begged i pleaded
i prayed and wept

but if you were ever gonna love me
you would have by now
for the longest time i thought something was wrong with me
your presence wore me down

leave the sheet
leave me be
i'm just a reminder of your past
you can't stomach to see
there's a blizzard inside my chest
its been churning through me for days
i'm cold
i'm tired
i'm dizzy
and the air stings my face

there's been a funeral in my mind
going weeks on end
i see myself
every night
hands rested
an overdue quiet
as if peace could be so easy

and there's a frog in my throat
i seize up and then croak
chewing on my words
tongue heavy
oxygen
almost
impossible
my cheeks burn in the effort

my eyelids don't listen to me anymore
i've lost entire days
seeing things
that aren't there
and taken
against my will
intrusive thoughts dressing up as dreams

and lastly my thoughts are broken
mushed and stuck and sticky and wrong
squinting
but they stay
turning away
hating myself
for the things i cannot change

i try to wait
i set the date
but doctor doctor
i'm  
in    
so      
much    
pain
a string of light through a keyhole
pleasure deadbolted just out of reach
imagining all the ways i'd have you
if it were up to me

but there's more pressing issues at the forefront
and many a underlying problem to address
prospects to chew on and outcomes to juggle
but when it winds down, if there's time to digest

from a pinhole stream to total whiteout
suffocating warmth and utter release
phantasms haunt my prior commitments
posing if i'm truly guilty if it's only in my dreams

the sting in my throat says i am
and the weight in the room screams at me nonstop
begging me to help us both
saying we'd really be better off

but there's the unbearable thought of breaking your heart
of ruining what might just be what i didnt know i needed
but if i feel all of these different things could it even be that
or am i just to jaded and impatient to see it
too numb to feel the love already in my life
too ready to let everything go just for a fun night
i'm too smart to actually do it
but just stupid enough to let it still ruin my life

i don't even know what i want
but i'll circle back to this
everything ******* ***** right now
and there's no such thing as a quick fix
but i'll run the image of you up and down my the back of my mind
and inwardly buckle at your passing cologne
knowing no matter what happens
that i'm only gonna be happy on my own
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