interwoven
yet totally disparate
imparticular
and frustratingly intricate

did you even think before

deciding for another person
where do you get off decrying your worst sin

some might be gracious
but your gift is more than fruitless
the weight of your actions were always mine
and at some point i think you knew it

and you still added more

to this day you still refuse your sentence
guess you had to find some way to live with it


and i will never understand
and i will never hold your hand again
and i dont have it in me to be a friend
not when we were supposed to be family

not when you were supposed to protect us
not when you'd rather excuse than acknowledge
the rot you delivered us into
and the horrors in which we were abandoned

and the pain you turned away with discomfort
and your heinous ability to forget the worst
in an effort to obtain personal salvation
cause **** the kids you brought into this ****** up world

cause it isn't your fault
we hurt, right?

keep telling yourself that
it will never be true

the freedom i was chasing
was never so far
i blamed you i blamed life
i blamed myself
i blamed my heart

but really it was just divinity
or maybe just the way things go
i searched for love for peace
for mercy for belonging
for a place that felt like home

now the understanding presents itself
just like this
you can try and fight change
but the simple fact that always was and will be
is that it just is

a string of light through a keyhole
pleasure deadbolted just out of reach
imagining all the ways i'd have you
if it were up to me

but there's more pressing issues at the forefront
and many a underlying problem to address
prospects to chew on and outcomes to juggle
but when it winds down, if there's time to digest

from a pinhole stream to total whiteout
suffocating warmth and utter release
phantasms haunt my prior commitments
posing if i'm truly guilty if it's only in my dreams

the sting in my throat says i am
and the weight in the room screams at me nonstop
begging me to help us both
saying we'd really be better off

but there's the unbearable thought of breaking your heart
of ruining what might just be what i didnt know i needed
but if i feel all of these different things could it even be that
or am i just to jaded and impatient to see it
too numb to feel the love already in my life
too ready to let everything go just for a fun night
i'm too smart to actually do it
but just stupid enough to let it still ruin my life

i don't even know what i want
but i'll circle back to this
everything ******* ***** right now
and there's no such thing as a quick fix
but i'll run the image of you up and down my the back of my mind
and inwardly buckle at your passing cologne
knowing no matter what happens
that i'm only gonna be happy on my own

everything's crooked
i tried to be myself
at first it was oh no
now its more oh well
i tried to hold the line
and it left my palms raw
i tried to make it right
but it was beyond repair all along

i turn away
because i don't want to be seen
i tried to have friends
i tried to stay clean
i tried to make amends
i tried to ignore the call
but its coming from inside the house
i wish it'd all just stop

i turn into myself
cause all i know is that
i've never felt your love
and i cannot have you back
i'm never what you want
surely never what you need
i tried and in the end
it's simply because i'm me

i don't want to be here anymore
i don't want to have these thoughts
i'm sitting in my car before work
shepherded by the clock
go here go there do this do that
i try to feel better
but i cant go home because i don't have one
just as useless as ever