a string of light through a keyhole
pleasure deadbolted just out of reach
imagining all the ways i'd have you
if it were up to me

but there's more pressing issues at the forefront
and many a underlying problem to address
prospects to chew on and outcomes to juggle
but when it winds down, if there's time to digest

from a pinhole stream to total whiteout
suffocating warmth and utter release
phantasms haunt my prior commitments
posing if i'm truly guilty if it's only in my dreams

the sting in my throat says i am
and the weight in the room screams at me nonstop
begging me to help us both
saying we'd really be better off

but there's the unbearable thought of breaking your heart
of ruining what might just be what i didnt know i needed
but if i feel all of these different things could it even be that
or am i just to jaded and impatient to see it
too numb to feel the love already in my life
too ready to let everything go just for a fun night
i'm too smart to actually do it
but just stupid enough to let it still ruin my life

i don't even know what i want
but i'll circle back to this
everything ******* ***** right now
and there's no such thing as a quick fix
but i'll run the image of you up and down my the back of my mind
and inwardly buckle at your passing cologne
knowing no matter what happens
that i'm only gonna be happy on my own

everything's crooked
i tried to be myself
at first it was oh no
now its more oh well
i tried to hold the line
and it left my palms raw
i tried to make it right
but it was beyond repair all along

i turn away
because i don't want to be seen
i tried to have friends
i tried to stay clean
i tried to make amends
i tried to ignore the call
but its coming from inside the house
i wish it'd all just stop

i turn into myself
cause all i know is that
i've never felt your love
and i cannot have you back
i'm never what you want
surely never what you need
i tried and in the end
it's simply because i'm me

i don't want to be here anymore
i don't want to have these thoughts
i'm sitting in my car before work
shepherded by the clock
go here go there do this do that
i try to feel better
but i cant go home because i don't have one
just as useless as ever

if i could go back
i'd leave first
if i could do it all again
i'd just fade away
if it went my way
it'dve never had to hurt
if i could go back
just who would we be today

i bore my stripes today
like an open wound
obviously marked
immediately removed
from thought and consideration
as though the sight would end in bile
when a blade's edge margin defines conformity
who knows what tips the dial

my scars on display
not the people, places, and moments
that made me this way

like when you asked me to stay
only to abandon post and record over my presence
after rewiring my brain

your audience leaves me flayed
then further stung by stacked judgements
withheld until way too late

all of this is just to say
if you really felt that way
you should've just said so

it feels wrong
to say your name out loud
because why would you not be here
if you still exist

it feels wrong
scared to be the the last one at the party
but everyone went home and it's getting weird now
i gotta get over this

but i'm still crying on my way to work
and mentally feeling for you in the dark
or specifically the way you made my happiness real
and it seem possible not to starve

like the first fire in existence
first came curiosity followed by trials of trust
cold then warm and safe then charred
what you love just eats you right up

and it's so much harder to put the drink down
when the bottle is staring at you
i want to forget about it all most days
but that is not a can-do attitude

it feels wrong
but i have to do it anyway
the quietest part of me wants you back
but the rest does what its supposed to do

it feels wrong
to feel but no longer know
you're like a shape behind the curtains
and i'm avoiding that half of the room

but i spend every breathing moment
imagining it's contents almost believing
that the other side's still warm
that you're just outside the door

but that sounds wrong
i was just leaving actually
what was the problem
what was this for

they watch but they do nothing
as i struggle to grab up your wounded body
your arm just keeps falling and falling
and mine aren't strong enough to lay you back down softly

and i don't wanna drop you
so i try to take the worst of the fall
i say it isn't fair
you say it's not my fault
i try to believe you
but you're already gone
you deserved better

you deserved it all