i bore my stripes today
like an open wound
obviously marked
immediately removed
from thought and consideration
as though the sight would end in bile
when a blade's edge margin defines conformity
who knows what tips the dial

my scars on display
not the people, places, and moments
that made me this way

like when you asked me to stay
only to abandon post and record over my presence
after rewiring my brain

your audience leaves me flayed
then further stung by stacked judgements
withheld until way too late

all of this is just to say
if you really felt that way
you should've just said so

it feels wrong
to say your name out loud
because why would you not be here
if you still exist

it feels wrong
scared to be the the last one at the party
but everyone went home and it's getting weird now
i gotta get over this

but i'm still crying on my way to work
and mentally feeling for you in the dark
or specifically the way you made my happiness real
and it seem possible not to starve

like the first fire in existence
first came curiosity followed by trials of trust
cold then warm and safe then charred
what you love just eats you right up

and it's so much harder to put the drink down
when the bottle is staring at you
i want to forget about it all most days
but that is not a can-do attitude

it feels wrong
but i have to do it anyway
the quietest part of me wants you back
but the rest does what its supposed to do

it feels wrong
to feel but no longer know
you're like a shape behind the curtains
and i'm avoiding that half of the room

but i spend every breathing moment
imagining it's contents almost believing
that the other side's still warm
that you're just outside the door

but that sounds wrong
i was just leaving actually
what was the problem
what was this for

they watch but they do nothing
as i struggle to grab up your wounded body
your arm just keeps falling and falling
and mine aren't strong enough to lay you back down softly

and i don't wanna drop you
so i try to take the worst of the fall
i say it isn't fair
you say it's not my fault
i try to believe you
but you're already gone
you deserved better

you deserved it all

if i sanded my edges
swallowed my pride
sought redirection
put in the time

i wonder if it might be different

if i knew better then
trusted intuition
recognized the signs
curbed indecision

if our boundaries didn't collide

do you still see the future
is it still a blinding white
or did it vanish when i did
like i turned off the light
do you miss me just a little
or suppose it wasn't all in vain
do you want to remember
or do i just feel that way

hanging my jacket
the living room's empty
the last door clicks
and then it all hits me

all my efforts were fruitless

who am i
to think that we could do this
the ease of your absence
all but proves it

and i should have tried to take it gently

but it was still unsure
yet familiar at the same time
i reached for what i knew
but my affections were denied
i couldn't talk to you
or make things alright
it was either the truth
or self-degrading lie

and in all honestly
if it didn't end so ugly
i wouldn't have left it there
i could've made something from nothing

and i bet you'd still put rocks in my pockets

so i'll avert my eyes
try to change the topic
hide my hands
embrace the caustic

i'm still learning that you didn't love me

if i jumped off a bridge
would you jump too
that's not really what i'm asking
but it'll have to do

relatively speaking
i'm asking do you follow
or are you hanging around
till i'm too much to swallow

if i needed to leave this place
would you pack with me
or stay and pretend it's all love
and be unconvincing

or hate me for going
and **** on the metaphorical grave
or realize i never meant all that much
anyway

i can't figure out where i stand
because i don't know what you stand for
i can't make any decisions for my happiness
if it means i'm gambling yours

my intent isn't to ruin what we have
but rather to save everything i can
and i would love to do it an easy way
but there are too many holes in the plan

so do you want to go with me
or do you need to stay
do you want this
or do you you want it your way

because it's not up to me
and it can't all go with the flow
i'm not asking if i should stay
or asking if you should go

tell me what you want
even if it's hard to own the truth
you have the power of choice
but you don't like to choose

it's been raining inside all week
and i would just go out
if it were that easy
if there was a way to calm myself down

but there is no level of life
that doesn't freak me out right now
if i just keeled over
it wouldn't sound so bad by now

to close my eyes
and cease the days
but people need me
and i'm supposed to fix the things i break

and its ungrateful and ugly
to feel that way
but i'm stretched thin and useless
or it just feels that way

i feel the plastic warping
as it refuses the oxygen to my brain
i feel the sting in my wrists
as the blade dissects my veins

i don't do it
but i still feel it every single day
i think about it constantly
my dreams redirected with pain

the people around me
don't feel the same
pushing kids or god or impossibilities
when we are not the same

and when i leave
i'll be wrong for following myself
but i never really felt like i belonged
with everybody else

its been raining inside all week
and i'd go out if i thought it'd help
but it doesn't and it's worse in a million different ways
what even is mental health

i watch through the peephole
then double check the lock
i know i made you a promise
but i gotta call it off

might just rot on the couch
after everything is gone
and when someone needs something
the house will echo a strangers knock

but thats just wishful thinking
i might just ignore it
but honestly
probably not