if you are looking for a way for me to give up and hate you, i am sorry to disappoint you,
but i am already blinded by the many reasons to love you

if your eyes look at me
like i'm some stranger
would it be possible that we
start everything over?

sadness lurks on me in the shadows just like how a predator stalks its prey
waiting for an opportune moment- a momentary lapse of judgement
or the moment ignorance gives bliss, that everything is- and will be alright
but everything is not alright
it never was, it never is, and following that same logic- maybe it never will

because the moment a predator decides to stalk its prey
is the very same moment a gruesome fate has been decided on behalf of the latter-
and just like a helpless little prey,
when the predator comes- all i can do is run

but for how much longer can i run, before the sadness consumes me?

~

maybe i was bound

          to break your heart

                  so i would know how it felt

                                     to have mine broken

                   because as it turns out

          breaking yours

broke mine too

~

: i hope to be seen even when i'm not of use to anyone; more than when i am of use to them

you were the certain uncertainty my heart needed-- to know that it was living

loving you was the most certain uncertainty it did-- that made it feel alive

i will love you as if it is the only thing i know how to do best

i keep dreading the night because i always wonder how long it will take me to shake off every thought of you- that's how long it usually takes before i can fall asleep

i have since then lost the ability to feel love
ever since i failed to make you feel that i did

if loving you is a sin, then send me straight to hell

had i known that we'd be strangers again
i would have called you by your name
more often than i had when we were still together

and to compensate for what i haven't done for so long
i recite your name like they are words from my favorite song

i have this urge to remove my glasses
when i walk around campus
just so that, if ever you were somewhere near
i would not see you
because even just the thought of you
is enough to make me cry,
what more if i saw you there, clear as day?
i think that's when my internal clouds would turn gray
and my eyes would rain their woes away

you saw every gesture of love i had in me as nothing more than friendly ones

i wish i could talk to you
on how ironic it is to be me

where you are the reason
why sadness dawns upon my chest
yet, you are also the only solution
that can soothe this emotional distress

i've exhausted all the words i know
yet i still have a lot of things
that i want to tell you

but it's been so hard
not having to talk to you-
like how we used to

we were in cross fire
of words unsaid
words we kept
from one another
words we'd just slept
through the night

we were in cross fire
but we only hurt
for each word unspoken
each chance not taken
we just stopped trying
then we'd both lose sight

because we were in the cross fire
of keeping words within us
we forgot we were allies
who should protect
and save each other
in the end, we'd both
just lose the fight

i was always behind you
and somehow it was enough;
loving you from afar

everyday i am reminded of the many reasons why i love you

yet, everyday i am struggling to find an answer to the question- why did i even do you wrong?

still, i'd love you no matter what

You were there for me, when I was alone,
with my thoughts that I can't bear to own.
When no one was there to listen to my words,
but still you gave me uneasiness, how absurd?

But you do know that you were always my biggest enemy,
when we're together others can feel you, more so- me.
Even if I do nothing, you're just as scary
as falling in darkness, falling endlessly.

Though you never left my side, even for a brief moment;
you never gave me air to breathe; i guess you never will.
And even then, I used to ask myself one question,
'Why am I still not used to your possession?'

Your obsession over me, made it harder for you to leave
or was it my obsession over you, that made you stay?
That even though I hated you, I hated the feelings you weave;
you loved hurting me, you loved seeing me break away.

Now that I have lost you, and I have found her
I want to say thank you for the times that you were there,
But now that she is the one, who holds my heart tightly
Doubt, I know you loved me, but it's now her- who I love dearly.

almost three years since then
and a year since the other
yet, i still cannot forgive myself
and i still think about you
over and over

i want to be the blanket
that keeps you warm at night
but it seems
i'm the cold air
that makes you cover up tight

i saw you once again today
after all the times i spent away from home

i saw your face once again today
after all the times i stared at it through my phone

i saw your eyes once again today
after all the times i looked at mine alone

i went out to spend time with you today
and it felt like going back home

i don't want to love anyone else anymore, but you

sitting in silence
behind the darkness of the night

how long has it been since we talked?
4? 5? 6 days? i don't know anymore
because any amount of time spent
not talking to you feels like
an eternity of loneliness

sitting in silence
behind the darkness of the night

how long has it been?
since i last got a message from you?
4? 5? 6 da--

beep

wait
i know that sound
could it possibly be?

sitting in silence
behind the darkness of the night

i heard a familiar sound
that makes my heart pound
like how a child receives his first toy
filled with excitement and joy

beep

there it is again
another one perhaps?
should i take a look and see
if it's you, then maybe
maybe it is--

sitting in silence
behind the darkness of the night

no, it wasn't your message
that set my phone off

and so i'm still here

sitting in silence
behind the darkness of the night
waiting for your message
that would play music
and turn on the light

i know every inch and detail of your body
i know every single piece that makes up your soul
i know every thing that makes your heart beat fast or slow
i know every thought that keeps you awake at night
i know every start and every end to any of your stories
i know every joy, sadness, and pain hiding behind your sight


and you just know my name