i don't think about you as much as i used to
but sometimes i reminisce about what it was like
to be listened to so closely:
the words i said,
what they meant to me,
and to still have your full attention no matter how little it made sense to you.

i've been so much happier since then,
and have repeated that moving on was mutual enough times to believe it
but when the thought passes by,

just for a moment,
i remember how it felt to open up,
see your eyes look back at me,
and hear the reassurance you gave
to make me realize
i could tell you anything about me with no insecurity.

since then, i forgot about you or kept myself occupied enough to think i'm happy enough without you
and oddly enough, find some comfort in realizing
i didn't crave having you
but having someone.

and although,
nights by myself
don't feel like 'nights without you'
anymore,

for another moment,
nights at 9pm start to feel like
2am when i'm alone

the nightmares don't phase me for long because i'm relieved when they're over

what haunts me is waking up from the dreams where i have everything

it's losing what i never had that leaves me empty

i can't tell what makes me more frustrated:
how realistic these peaceful dreams can be
or how naive my mind is to mistake these fantasies

as reality

but we were just kids then, to think
we'd be
our same selves
with the same things
that make us feel

appreciated,
wanted,
loved.

we were younger then, to think
what we craved
or what we needed
wouldn't change
and that

we'd still be important characters
in each other's stories

or one another's sense of euphoria.

otherwise now,
instead of reading your texts until I fall asleep I replay scenarios in my head
and think about different outcomes where I had kept words unsaid and emotions to myself.

Instead of goodnight texts I just take melatonin
and pretend I'm not hoping you still fall asleep okay and sure of yourself.

is a reflection of what (and who) is around me
is the absence of worry—of what was, what is, or what's next

happiness to me
is the drive home after hanging out knowing i'll see my friends again later
is living my life without running away from ghosts and obligations

happiness to me
is when the rays of sunlight breach through the sky on a cloudy day
is when my words become honest to someone i just met with no judgement in return

so when you seemed happier without me

i just thought it was the same thing

but today the sky was so blue

and for once,

the sunlight

didn't remind me of you

i feel like i'm never somewhere in the middle, just high in the moment or down in the dumps

i hardly feel present during the day and always feel like there's something missing when i lay awake at night

but i wake up anyway to a life i don't deserve
with a warm shower and a/c in the summer
so i feel indebted to everything i am grateful for
but when i'm home i don't eat my mom's food without feeling guilty that i haven't done anything to deserve it
and when i'm away i don't answer calls because i get tired of telling my mom not to worry
when really i don't know what i'm doing

yet i'm still counted on to someday finance the life my mom deserves but can't even think ahead further than two weeks
and feel the internal pressure to be a big brother to my siblings but get impatient trying to read along with them

at times i think i'd be more at ease if my family forgot about me and dropped their hopes and expectations that i can't live up to

but all i know is every day i wake up to a life i don't deserve
so one day i hope late nights working will be the reason for the constant bags under my eyes
and that i can find joy in pursuing goals that include repaying debts instead of chasing pleasure in the things i use to procrastinate