honest

honest Mar 2020

I didn't get a chance to say
I was enamored with how honest you were to me
and how trusted you made me feel
when you told me the small things about you that others wouldn't admit,
like how you judge books by their covers
or dislike people who act like fans of musicians after only hearing their new songs
when you were a fan before they blew up (haha).

Everything about you felt sincere,
so when you said you wanted to be friends
you might have really meant it,
but the last time we spoke face-to-face
the clock in my car had the correct time
and the last time you texted me first
I still had so much to look forward to in 2020.

Since then, I've been in a constant state of in-between focusing on myself and asking you how you've been,
but I don't feel regret when I see you and
I don't feel as sad to see you happy & surrounded.
So I'm relieved,
because what was and could have been is behind me.

But now, I can't shake off this constant habit of comparing myself to you and to the person you wanted me to be.
All I think about now bounces from wanting to be better and feeling like I'll never be good enough (for anyone),

but I thought the same thing before I met you.

#c

honest Mar 2020

a winter analogy about a person who hates winter

it's february now and it's a little warmer but it still snows a little bit every now and then
it's snowing right now and it reminds me of you and me
the snow falling today is slow, peaceful, and just hovering in the air
and at first glance i thought the snow was just floating still
it's calm enough that i can feel warm in its presence

but the snowflakes melt before they hit the ground,
they don't have have a chance to get caught in your hair as decoration while you're walking,
and they're gone before they can outline the branches of the trees, which i think is the beautiful thing about winter

it's snowing right now and it reminds me of us:
heartwarming in the moment, gone before anything beautiful could come out of it

but at least i got to enjoy it for a few moments

#winter

honest Mar 2020

Sometimes,

even on the days I don't feel lonely–I still want to ask you how you're doing (or how you've been).
And I'm getting better at not looking up people that I miss
to see photos I've already seen.
And I've been doing good to avoid reading past texts
to remember how it felt talking to you.

But right now, I hate that
memories of our past conversations are
ECHOES in my head and I hate that
if we're in the same room I feel like I'm not allowed to look in your direction
because in the off chance you catch my glance
I'm scared you'll get the wrong idea and think that I'm still thinking of you when I'm not (or at least not trying to).

Because why would you expect me to be able to get over a person who made me feel the way you did?

honest Nov 2015

choked up

some time ago
you'd be in front of me,
look at me and put on a smile
that i thought was sincere at the time,
and i'd sit there unable to bring myself to speak.

it started
when you looked
at me with those icy blue eyes
with your blonde hair under the sunlight
and smiled at me like I had so much
to give you.

i'm sorry i gave you so
much of nothing
and i'm sorry i wasted your time
with sappy lines
that you probably make fun of now.

i thought i was long over it
but there wasn't really a bridge i could cross
and the water was deeper than i anticipated
and i didn't know how to swim,
but i swear i tried and tried.

even now, when you were on the other side of the room,
so happy,
our eyes met, and your eyes had never been
so cold.
i couldn't come up with enough synonyms to tell you how i was
so speechless.
when you stared my way for a second, could you tell i was
so empty?
and when you faintly remembered i existed your smile felt
so missing.

but i can't find the words i lost
or spit out the words still stuck in my throat.
it was just a glance, but if you cared
you'd be able to tell i'm still trying and trying
to forget and look at you like i would anyone else.

but even when i go to all these places
to clear my head,
all that runs through my mind
are the things i can't forget.

#j

— The End —