i feel like i'm never somewhere in the middle, just high in the moment or down in the dumps

i hardly feel present during the day and always feel like there's something missing when i lay awake at night

but i wake up anyway to a life i don't deserve
with a warm shower and a/c in the summer
so i feel indebted to everything i am grateful for
but when i'm home i don't eat my mom's food without feeling guilty that i haven't done anything to deserve it
and when i'm away i don't answer calls because i get tired of telling my mom not to worry
when really i don't know what i'm doing

yet i'm still counted on to someday finance the life my mom deserves but can't even think ahead further than two weeks
and feel the internal pressure to be a big brother to my siblings but get impatient trying to read along with them

at times i think i'd be more at ease if my family forgot about me and dropped their hopes and expectations that i can't live up to

but all i know is every day i wake up to a life i don't deserve
so one day i hope late nights working will be the reason for the constant bags under my eyes
and that i can find joy in pursuing goals that include repaying debts instead of chasing pleasure in the things i use to procrastinate