i read your horoscope before i
read my own.
learn what the planets have in
store for you before i see what
my own week will look like.
you're always my first thought.
in the morning as i wake i
wonder if you slept okay.
if you'll be at school.
before i fall asleep, i think over
the events of the day.
were we okay?
was everything normal?
and then you appear in my dreams.
an apparition of something i wish
i could have.
i put you before me.
your life before mine.
but never would you think the same.

i find myself reminiscing on
the past a whole lot more than
i ever thought i would.
i think of the day i first started
high school. bright eyes, long
hair and a cheerful attitude.

i look at myself in the mirror now.
my final year of school with eye
bags so deep you could drown
in them. split skin and veins drained
of blood. the cheerful attitude
disappeared with the child i was 5
years ago, a distant memory now.

my war-torn heart can no longer
go through another day without
breaking a little more and my brain
is so full of thoughts that i fear one day
they will spill from my ears.

my hair's gone now. a reminder of
hope so far lost that i doubt i'll ever
find it. my eyes are barely dry anymore.
my skin barely ever clear of blood.
my face barely seen without a cloud of
smoke surrounding it.
my heart barely pumping.

five years has taken it's toll on me and
it is no way my fault.

humans can cause other humans to
do insane things. things unheard of.
and i am the perfect example.

i can't even find words to
express how i feel anymore.
i used to be able to write these
things like they were nothing
but i find myself stumbling over
letters to form words and
putting those words into sentences
is the most difficult task.
i want to tell you i'm in love with you.
but i can't.
i can't even write it into a riddle for
you to decipher anymore.
i don't know how to speak around
you because my tongue decides to
twist itself in my teeth and my
brain jumbles words like a jigsaw
puzzle.
how do i tell you i'm in love with
you when i don't know how to talk?

i can't sleep anymore.
it's funny how such a small thing will mess you up so bad.
i can't think about it without a sickness overcoming me
and i feel the sudden urge to throw up.
i feel like you've tainted my perception of romance with the
feel of your hand against my clothed skin.
your tongue in my mouth like an invasive creature that i
cannot cut out,
it's funny how you took my drunken cheek kiss and turned
it into something more.
it's funny how you thought that, in my state, it was fine to press
yourself against me and latch your lips to mine.
"it was just a kiss" they say.
but it was my first and the memory is barely there and it was
barely special. not at all how i'd imagined it.
i keep talking about it though.
mentioning it just to talk about it as if letting the words "i made
out with this guy" would bring back the memory.
would make it less sickening to try and think of what i want
to remember in order to forget.

aphrodite couldn't help me even
if she tried her hardest.
there is no luck for me when it
comes to love and achlys has
taken my heart as her hostage.
who would've thought that
one can be pushed away five
times after they throw all
they are at another and still
be stupid enough to fall again.

the smell of your cologne lingers
on my clothes and it hurts my heart.
you aren't mine but at the same time
i think you are.
there's something about the way we
are with each other that makes me
feel like we belong to each other.
you let me hold you, never showing
that you hate the way i drape myself
over you like you do with others.
you joke with me in a different way
to the way you do with everyone else.
people tell me that you act differently
when you're with me and i wish i could
tell you that everything you do brings a
smile to my lips, something that doesn't
seem to happen a lot anymore.
i want to tell you that every time
something reminds me of the way you
move, talk, smell; my heart skips several
beats.
your cologne lingers on my clothes but
you're not mine and i have to wash
it away.

in art we're learning about
the human body and the forms
it takes in artworks.
i keep thinking of how i want
to paint you.
not just as a portrait but i want
to run the colours down your
bare skin and make you feel
like the artwork that you are.
the soft curve of your jaw.
the roundness of your lips.
the broad spread of your shoulders.
i want to paint you a portrait
but i feel like i won't get the dark
colour of your eyes right or the
way that your hair puffs.
i don't want to mess up your
beauty but i want you to know how
much you resemble art.