The struggle is real , very real, you know;
When a mother after whole tiring day
Exhausted frustrated,
Still in the mid night,
lonely deep night;
Feed her child,
In hope to see him grow
And take her all sorrows....
When alone
She bears pain of her sick child
Moulding it on the mount of heaviness
Already she piles,
Still with smile
She look at him with all hope for some newday without lies.....
The struggle is real,
When she smiles for him,  where she has to cry,
And this amalgamation of emotions
Drown her in an ocean dry,
In hopes still high
In awe of her mournings,
She will see the bright light
For being alive....
Its still real
When u see her with wrinkled face
Thinking about the distant storm
Worrying about bills ,food ,light,
In between feeding ,sleeping ,working,worrying
She hides in books,
Still having some hopes high...
On one day
She will see her son strong
Like a pillar, as her plight,
And her struggle never goes waste.....

Guzar gay kaey din , kiay gham-e-jaanaan main hijrat
Aik wohi tou umeed thee apni, ikk wohi thee muhabbat!!

Tmhain maaloom hai meray ghar kay darwazay muqaffal hain paray
Jahan ikk arsay hawa chalti thee, jahan bastii thee chahat!!

Ab tou yun kharay hain shahrahon pay, kay faqeer ka sa gumaan hota hai
Jiss rastay say khusboo aati thee, tere gul-e-rafaqat!!

Aur phir yun hoa kay raat ki parchai gahri say gahri hoti chali ***
Aur hum dobtay chalay gay, madham saanson say taraf, tere rughbat!!

She is set to fly back
After devouring the all tastes
As her heart is unsettled for days and years
And these wide miles
Between,
Her heart and the lover
Are life takers
Slowly slowly
Bit by bit,,...
the last steps of her breaths
She wants to inhale and exhale
Where her heart stayed forever and ever!

So ,
She is set to fly back
To Homeland!

Hope is like a lullaby

Walls around me
Painted white
I can hear clearly
The thumping of my heart
My chest may be
The only place right now in this world
That is not at peace
Still the hope
That hope
I never tried to befriend with
Makes me hear
The sound of rain
From the clear skies
And the piano notes
abandoned those were in one of the lonely nights......
Hope,
That hold my hand
If they near to death
When my breaths
Are not even my friend!

Why i could never see you
In all these years
When you stood silently by me
Unconsciously grabbing my hand
And
I looked beyond the empty papers
Where
There was never written
Ever
Any word for the catharsis
And
I thought always
Its just me and me
Going bounds and leaps
But...
Now when i have fallen on the ground
My face down
My hands on tremble
I can see you clearly my friend
Still standing tall
Stretching a very loyal hand
I see you now
And need you
More than ever have i needed anyone!!

lets imagine an illusion for a time being where illustration of my hidden blackened thoughts can be canvassed without any distortion of fear,trapping and misjudged(or rightly judged).i read somewhere that we all are bad filthy cynical people if we raise the un-attended curtain in dark hole, and that cynical one can even take life for pleasure.
how pain can be associated with pleasure?? never i knew that before until one day i took this beast out of me and it made me surprised from the deligince of its curiosity and rageness of emotions....
sometimes ******* of filthy mind is all what u need.. "who is ur ******??" did u ever ask this urself?? did u ever tried to get drunk without having whiskey? did u ever dreamt of leaping deep in ocean of ur soul without leaping ur faith?

so many misconduct around us, but if one tries to really express himself, that misconduct is considered biggest of all sins. i sinned once and for all, that sin completed me.
it is hard to embrace ur alienist mind, and the act that is considered misconduct, but its not impossible to actually explore the whole of urself until u be able to say proudly "I KNOW ME"  and that is actually the time where "U DNT KNOW URSELF EXACTLY"

closing eyes, and feeling the wind against me, I told him "you are very lucky"

i never intend to be sarcastic or bitter--in this arena of self indulgence in thoughts i have always tried to put back my filthy(i call them oftenly) thoughts and just concenterate on piles of work that never make me to sleep peacfully, yet antagonist to this theory , i am relieved, for it prevent putting burden of stress on my super sensitive nerves...


still, without being sarcastic, i hate this suffocated speech i put as a  conversation inside my dwindling head and answer them so confidently, that i go speechless and comatose...


i hate being used as a woman,(although i am a woman , being not of a kind), being used is just the worst feeling ever.


not being able to put it into words, i have always loothed my cowardly act, so many voices smtyms i beseech inside me coz of fear of assault...


i hate to admit my heart goes into long pausatic chaos, in which i dwell even if storm passes away, so strongly it holds that crunches of broken pieces take time to gather back into altered shape.....


feminism and its harrassment at all level , abduction at gross or micro level is totally condemned by my my thought, wat i need is loud voice, an affirmative point of view to make myself believe that there exist a life in me!!!



i need to put back them in randomness, but i know its just anothr thought!!!

Was i in delusion or so dumb to understand the fact
That in these dark long nights
Somehere , when my heart willl ache so bad
So deeply it will feel the pain
And because of its burden my eyes want to clench itself with drenching scream
But i keep them open
For sake of feeling more its ache,
I forgot,
In these hard harsh days
In one of these lonesome starless nights
Where big palm trees are so silent
They fear
Their vibration in wind might not awaken the broken burried dreams
In fear of creating whisper
They just close eyes
And i stay up
Like an owl this whole night
Burning and turning in pain
Feeling it from it birth to teen,
I forgot
That i am alone and will be
In such long nights
Or the next short day!!
These hand you see running towrds you,
Do so in their needs,
In their such aloof moment,
When their glass is empty,
To quench the thirst,
They drink from ur canal,,,...
And you in your foolishness think, the water in your see will stay forever;
In ur neglect!!!!!

words have gap, a silent breach
a successive return to the case of unknown,
and hoping back to the arms of success
a potential crisis,
a devastating enigma
a man who committed suicide in the arms of loss of hope!!

With you
The sadness in me overpowers me
Stands infront like a spectator!
Why dnt u bring out the happiness in me!!

Sometimes you dnt know what you are speaking, ur mind is floating in abyss and ur words somewhere else, u assure people of their sadness will go by, and meanwhile u ******* in the gloomiest of alls in you.

Flattering from here to there, a wind carrying the sounds of chyme go through as swift as minglenesa happens in dreams un- consciously. U try to grab words to pen down, and they very accurately ditch you on your face. This is how life is!!

I might sound melancholic and depressed 33 aged woman , but remember you all happy young lads, sadness is what residing in all of us very deep. Again and again you go back towards it just to taste its divinity and check its temperature. If you feel she is alone and needa ur company u sit with her, drink beer or sip whiskey , hold her vividly just to make sure she stays in darkest deepest hole of you as you are very much aware that too much happiness will make your mouth bitter and to sweeten it you will for sure come back to sadness!!!

Holiness is such a revealation that falls on you like sprinkle of drizzle in time of full blown sun, very unexpectedly. Bereavee it, engulf it, hold it for that moment of brief can outshine you.

Nhn aayna- e -saaz main go-mago yay kaifiat
Jaisay burg- o -bahar main ** koe chingari
Jiss kay sholon main bujhay yay dil rakh ki soorat
Jisss kay chahray main jalay angari.....

Main wo zaat hon jiss ka koe shahar nhn
Jo jahan chalay wahan aag lagay
Jiss kay bayan main naan zahar naan amar
Jiss kay wajood main dah-kain sab raaz chupay.....

Nhn asbaab koe, nhn imkaan koe
Mere zaat kay hisaab main nhn jaan koe
Phir bhe toofan-e- azam liay chalti hon
Kay meray dard ki intiha ki nhn intiha koe.......

the magic of isolation is
not to fall in delusion of
LOVE
HAPPINESS
and
ACCOMPLISHMENT!!

hope is like a tangled story between truth and death!!


a little i knew before,
was it a small box i lived in:
wherein light pierced
when days amused,
and made me sleep with moon lullaby;

a little i knew before,
what falling would be like
falling down from giant mountain
a hard crash on barren land;
being broken,
into thousands of painful pieces
sadly, still you are not dead to get up!!

a little i always knew the ache
comes from the core of fluttering heart
such agonising ache
that tears loose their ways!

a little i knew of the insult
substantial and beyond excess
still you walk out of the room as a brave survivor
with slitting throat and choking words!!

O! The devil of heart, who dwells all around like a halo
An orbit of sleeplessness, a magnet of thousands of random dreams
Some abide by the rules of hearts, some follow their own set paths
These diversions are like the shooting stars, and a silent prayer somewhere down is whispered in ajar!

Jungles or mountains, pens or papers, jingles or jangles, strip or steap
Synchronically or rhetorically, this puzzle is not making me sleep
Abandoning my thoughts in this vast universe of genius's spree
O the lover and the keeper of hearts, just for once , LOOK AT ME!

No,
It is not at rest
Neither it can be
The silent gripping of unsung thoughts
The howling of thosr unsaid words hidden inside
How can they let it at rest?
Single- handedly, its trying to strive for its breath
A last exasperating breath
In dim extinguishing light of burnt out candle
And dripping liquid from its corner
Like tears from my eyes
Is on its last nerves!
Daily it carries on its sleeves thousands of sins,
With heavy heart, still it moves along
Like ticking of clock
Or sun setting or diving?!?
May be fate is playing its part
Or time slipping quickly through half ended start!
Whatever it is my friend
It is feeling like an end,
And now these alphabets are so contemperary and aloof
Strange, saddened and goof!
Alas, Alas, Alas....
I have no words to end this stance!

she is just a chord in an extravagent musical classic,
a stir in the wire, a tune hidden but in bass!
she herself not aware where the music leads her to,
but;
the persistance stay,
and she jumps up and high, low and down the pathways....
and than he appeared;
loveable but bitter, intense but flowy
grasper but leaver, harsh but low key,
he showed her the love she parched for,
but still in bits and pieces;
he is the waterfall that is bound to keep you thirsty,
still u are aware,
there is no way to astray here and there...
he loves her like a winter sun,
cold and perished, warm and so hot that burns.....
"why still there is a void so deep and peristalting
resurfacing now and than "
do the loves of all lovers so unfulfilling
or its just a charisma of love that makes u perished still parched?.......
the hands of his ,melt inside her heart,
reverberation so strong she feels the taste of blood in her mouth....
the world go around in all direction, may be its called a skip of beat
or
may be she is no more in senses to think so deep!!

the sweetest of all glory
ahh my heart
the natives of all
the naive of all
and the Loyalist the most....

Main jiss shahar ka aadi hon
Uss shahar kay baasi ajnabi nigahon say dekhtay hain mjhay
In chahron pay charhay rung
Mjhay rung nhn bay rung lagtay hain
Iss shahar kay darr-o-dewaron say abhi mera rishta nhn bana
Aur raastay yahan kay mujh say khauf khatay hain!

Maij jiss shahar ka aadi hon,
Uss kay baasi apnay hi rung main holi khailay jatay hain
Aur main safaid aur siah kay darmian hi uljha baitja hon.
Sooraj nikalta hai zaroor, laikan sitaray raat kay mjhay daratay hain,
Aur yay onchi onchi amaraat, kiss dayo ki maanind lagti hain mjhay!

Main phir bhe iss shahar ka aadi hon
Main phir bhe iss shahar ka aadi hon!!

Feelings
More like a mounted heap
Full of good or bad , watever its still called a trash!!

Words
Wisdom or foolish-d
Take u down , or raise u up, still i call them rumble, full of stuff!!

Seekings
In haziness or with clarity
Found or not found, but still i call them wastage of time
Get you nothing or makes you engulfed!!

Sometimes destruction is mandatory, of self and surronding, to bring calmness in ur turbulent soul.

I am a devastated , hopeless optimist!

There is a rage in me, more i wish to destroy myself with its brutality , more it nourish my poor soul!


I wake up in the middle of night, my body aches, my feet burn, my head on spin, still i ditch my sleepy eye just to mark the time in slow pace, only for the fear of its passing by!

there is an air surronding me
no air can be this big
than a heart of sorrow
than the forgetfulness of joy
no air can be this gracious
to keep this heart
to accommodate this soul
to forget the revenge!!


yes,
there is an air!!


i am saddend by the movement of light,
running back , in fraction of second
faces so grim, voices so dim,
and i stand here on same spot
for centuries!!


yes,
there is a moment!!



rememberance ,
insanity ,
forgetfulness,
vanity,
i reciprocated my voice with mark of node,
faces, faces, faces,
so much to say, so much to speak,
it dribbles in moment of love till the peak of joy,
than it is overwhelmed
only by the moment of silence!!

yes,
there is an air
there is a moment!!

Yay dil jura hai tum say
Kay tmharay muskuranay pay
Mere maut bhe ban jati hai burg-o-bahar,
Aur tmharay chup ** janay pay
Main bass saham si jati houn!...

Beloved, O beloved!!
These long tiring nights
And days act over and above
A tyrant
Like an eruption , above and beyond;
Explosive,
Seddimented in pieces, many and more
Shattered
And Alas! The irony is , forgetting so impossible,
Like a dessication of pain inevitable
When a row is piereced in flesh
You cant tame it, it lays on you like a lover
A very distraught lover,
Whose agony is beyond mountains
And whose thirst can never be quinched by seas or rivers!

Love is not a desire
No,no,no ,no
Its a need
Without which
Death is inevitable!

She never tried to look up


And deep inside her


In between everything she memorised


And since than,


She is nothing but lost!!

do u knw how much i loved u? how much i cherished my garden of heart with ur fragrance?
more than the fountains could hold the water, more than the skies could en-grip the stars on its breast,
more than tongue could taste the flavors of nature, more than eyes could see the vision dispersed!!
in my sleep, in my awakenings i stayed drunk, reciting verses of u and u,
the drunkenness is on its verge, but i have given up on that virginity of deep ,blind love!!


today when i woke up, sun called upon West,
the face of East was blurred, and Summer was hot, red with blood,
people i heard of screaming , running on naked edgy streets,
and sun denied to embrase the shoulder of West, with long days, tiring in dreary.....
i looked upon my bleeding heart, the flashes of old love enchanted there once,
and i wrapped up the memoir old, for the present is bleeding more heavily!!!

Its unending.....

Even if you end it with last call

Or

An unread message on ur phone screen beeps the next day

On no note,
But

Just a question mark!!!

It will stay unended

Even,

If u tear out the last page of that book

Or burn it to ashes

Still,

The smoke of that ash

Will amalgamate your all cells

And it will decay , the day, when you will

Or
May be never!

We
I
You
Us
They
Ours

The story concludes only on
Me!

sometimes you have all the things in order, like all the planets revolving around the sun in specific pace, but you are not in shape. You sit down quietly, tries to find out, asks urself sometimes even when your own brain is non-functional, even in this devastated case you still ASK, and there is a big giant dark deep black hole of silence.......


wonder sometimes, why our voices echo in the long thin alley of tunnel, that has no end, or may be has dead end?
just to ensure us, in the thin and thick of the darkest hour, u are ur own best friend, ur shadow is ur only admirer and the one and only lissener.....


catharsis have no name, catharsis are the lightening in the dark cloud, like a very flashy, screeching lightening, that pours upon the earth in the form of rain...this much soothing it is......Yes , screaming sometimes is very intimidating....

we human complicate things so much in our head, amalgamate relations so badly, **** up and ruin all the charaters so blurry, that in the end, we ourselves are unaware where we heading towards......

I , being disappointed of all the reassurance, turned it on "the relaxing music of meditation" on you-tube, and I feel, life is sometimes very simple, only the heart is an enemy!!!

She described this dark circle as her medal
An oozing wound on her soul
Penetrating memories
And escaliting deep slumber.
She just sits around sometimes
Like a God statue
For longer hours
Staring in the sky
Thinking of nothing
And this nothingness has penetrated deep in her blood
So much
That she enjoys her oozing wounds !

Pain is our companion
A traveller friend of a lost soul
A gypsy stranger with blinging jewels
The sweeteness of its ache
Luckiest are those who enjoy and dnt fake
And this blessing recently has endured on me
I dnt lick them
I dnt drug them
The healing of this anarchy is in endurance
And the restlessness it bestows!!

Like this cold
I have fears and doubts
Like bargaining of apprehensions with my sleep
Wherever i speak, i am judged or mis- judged,
So i keep hold onto these cravings into me...
A breath , exasperated ; a heartbeat, so feeble; eyes, seek through the darkest souls,
My way out of this suffocation, or u can call it an apprehension!!
Someday may be, ill speak through the speakers of my nearby town,
Or blue mosque at the far end of the street,
Where reverberation of doubts donot find a cold feet....
Melting in fire, likewise i do sometimes every night,
Too hot to touch, too cold to leave!!

She was a restless soul!
But i am not saying that she is not calm.
Though,
She stayed unsettled most of the day, while cooking, washing, cleaning, reading and even  kissing me.
But she always melted like the quiet ,blue pleasant sea when i used to take her in my arms.
As if, it was a desire to borrow that energy from me that was deficient in her.
She was the sucker of Love, like a leech, so desperate to **** all blood till last drop.
Like the Sun, that drink all water and convert land to desert.
But i never got tired of her, i kept on giving her, for she was the light of my Home and this Heart!

There are tyms when nothing as real as pain;
And than,
She shielded herself again
With strong silent invisble wall
With same expressionless face,
Doing all chores
Performing daily duties
And shut the door on her heart;
For sometyms, forever....

"Y dnt u close it for eternity?";
"I have a hope
And endless diminishing hope
For i know there is nothing as real as pain
And i am v scared!"

Why the questions are the type of friends
Leave u puzzled, perplexed
Lingering on , with the traces of long unattended list
Why these questions so faithful, more than the answers?
They stay as it is, un approached, unchanged and static
But the drama they create
Is the only faith u hold onto
Still confused!!
You pour them out even if they leave u un- attended
A lay out full of ur name and nothing else!

noone leaves home
untill home is a sweaty
voice in ur ear
saying--
leave,
run away from me now
i dont know what i have
become,
but i know that
anywhere
is safer than here!!

copied

He left her
When she was so little
Homeless she astrayed!!

And for whole life he felt
As if,
She is standing outside bearing all the hard sun and rain!!

In an isolated system of demarcation
The juvenility flourish
Like a dead sea
Stagnant for ages
And fish surviving from the air within!
The cult of being survivor
And seeker at the same is
So demolishing,
That....; the demon inside , beg for liberation even.
A pearl deep in the sea, the colour of rainbow after rain in falling day
A glimpse from the side of ur eyes, for the face of beloved,
These all unsuals are so enthralling , high and above the smook of ****!
The tunes of all these sounds, i envelop deep down my heart, under folds of its colours, floating in the red blood
So after death,only concealers could reveal the reality and do remedy!

So she heard about the bond
Since her childhood
The stories of birds rebuilding their nests
After horrible storm!

The pain that arises in hearts
On cherishing the long lost people
And the scent attached to them!

She saw people writing phrases and poems
In the memoir of old friend
And witnessed her parents
Crying silently
Remembering the touch of their mothers!

Being so naive, she once felt
There exist some connection
Unknown
Unseen
But strong!

In all these real illusion
She grew up!
Into a beautiful blossomed young women
And fell in love.
The heart floated on beautiful sea
Amongst serene sunset
Until once
It sank and webt dead!!

Years passed by,
She became a poet who wrote about the miseries in the world
The killings and the bombs
The vanishing and deceptions
And in between
Sometimes, she cried her heart out
For the pain of that loss and once in ages
It Always created a masterpiece of its kind!

She experienced than
The power of connection
Of present with the past
And the future always stays alive
As the affiliation with pain
Keep us afloat
Even in the worst of time
In the moments of ache
And tears, to make us sane!!

And ofcourse
You know it
We all know this
The stars are millionth far away
Stardust far far more
And the thousands of these thoughts
Encircle the universe on their own
I am just a wanderer of bygons
A strange path
Full of grainy little sand
That takes an imprint of many marks
The universe is sleepy
Everywhere only snoozing and limping is on bragain
And here i am dancing
On my own rhythm or this universe is singing melody?

I peep-ed inside, and the whole world took a leap of faith, on its toes
For the rhapsody was the One and Only!

Muhabbat chaiay, lazim hai kay
Saans aay aur jay
Jahan muhabbat chalay, hawa ki manind
Kay buhat tapash hai
Aur dil ki zameen mun kholay haanp rahi hai
Aur nazar kaheen poshida hai
Dil aur bahar
Har taraf
Ikk hi hawa hai
Loo ki manind
Larazti, sansanati ***
Jaisay haddion ko murjha day
Aur thara day saans ki simt ko!!

Kaheen bhe nhn, kuch bhe nhn
Jahan jaon, jahan tharon
Wahan kuch bhe nhn, kabhi bhe nhn.
Ehsaas kahan hai? Yay dil tou ab ikk pinjra hai
Jahan ka makeen bolay tou maut, saans bhe maut, harkat bhe kafan, lafz bhe khatam!

Kuch hai, in dinon, kay shaam ka ilhaam
Meray dil kay darwazon pay
Khafeef ahat say bhe
Maut paida karta hai
Aur iska paida hona
Meray wajood main
Ikk Ah ban kar raqs karta hai.
Kuch hai
Kuch tou hai
Iss shaam main , aaj kal!

Rung-o- boo ki nami, uss ehsaas ka sarood
Kaheen ab samandar paar sakoot ki chadar orhay baitha hai
Aur idhar mera wajood
Bass akhri saans ikk umeed ki aas pay laita thahar sa gya hai...

The transition in managma, between the earth of mine and the sun of his
Hear! The verbatim say the story out and loud
This is like the volcanic eruption amongst the cold freezing mountain
And the warmth of its hug is devastating!

Secretly she put off all the past and the future
A secret from everyone, a revelation to only one
Like a pounding thunder lightening streams out the ways
Those elated by the memoir, the streangth and conviction
Shr breathesd out, a gasp of relief, like rebirth of a child
And for the first ever time she realised, the world in her room is so exultant and free-ed!!

There are so many nights
My dear friend
I lay down here
Wide eyed
Thinking over the same thing
"It is'nt right
It shouldn't have happnd to me
I dnt deserve to feel it that way
But than
Who deserves that?"
An astonishing pang of pain
Arises from the tip of my toe
And shoot in my heart
A desperate, loner of alls
A thrive to separate
This bitterness from escape
And shut down all the dreams
From soring eyes to those in sleep
An alluring thought
Of dancing by
In desert so dark, a limelight very shy-ed,
An expression but gasps
Like these dreary long nights
I wish i had chosen love over this ****-ed life!

How my heart  waits for the moment
Of ur glimpse
How thesr fraction of seconds
Look like a mountain heap
How my gaze never seize to reminent ur dreams
I shall quit all my dreams of thousands of years
Just for sake of ur "see"
How my this lonesome heart miss the thrill of ur touch
A reverberation from head to toe
Inside out of my delicate spine
How it encase my dreaded soul
And these nights and days are spent like this in ur madness, Every day!!