In the blue ridge mountains of Virginia
On the trail of the lonesome pine
I promised to stay true to ya
But kind of changed my mind

There was linda, Natasha, victoria
All waiting in a line
Rebecca Mae and Cynthia
And so little time

In the blue ridge mountains of Virginia
We had a lovely time
I read all their poetry
They read all of mine

There it lay
Down by the kerb
A scrap of paper
Covered in words

A little poem
Thrown away
Without a message
Nothing to say

To write such verse
Is nearly a sin
So I cast it away
This time in a bin

My mother thinks I'm a doctor
I just don't have the guts
To tell her I spent all my college doe
On beer, wine, women and such

So after I faked my graduation
Said I was moving to the South
To help the less fortunate among us
Another lie I let slip out

I'm now in the south of Florida
Where some may call me a ***
Living in a citrus grove along the coast
Not answering to anyone

It's really not such a bad life
This do nothing life I've made
I hear my Moms proud of me at afternoon tea
Telling the girls of all the lives I save

I do my share of dumpster diving
That's where I got the idea
Behind a real doctors office one day
With some of their stationary I nabbed

I did a little doctoring
After all I do play one in Moms mind
Doesn't look to lame where I inserted my name
Then wrote my Mom about the kids and the wife

I've created such an elaborate charade
It's now gotten all out of hand
As I panhandle my way up and down
The Sunshine states surf and sand

Mom now says she wants to visit
Can't wait to meet the wife and kids
Don't know how I let it get this crazy
And how it all lead up to this

Now I'm scrambling to find a vacant house and a woman
With a couple of kids that look just like me
That can go along with a ruse for a week in mid-June
Since I told her that's when  I'd be free

I'm thinking I should of studied in college
Instead of being this mind numbing huckster
Telling lie after deepening lie
Just so my Mother would think I'm a doctor

Went to see my barber
Asked what style it is I'd like
Chicago Boxcar in the front
Boston in the back
Looked at me rather strangely
Got his shears from out the back
Shaved my head down to the bone
Said that's the end of that

Went to see my dentist
For the ache that's in my mouth
The reason for my visit
To see what it's all about
Told me he knew the problem
Got his pliers from out the back
Pulled all my teeth from out my head
Said that's the end of that

Went to see my doctor
About this tightening in my chest
Take two aspirin call me later
Go home and get some rest
Asked if that's the best advice
That it is he has
Got another opinion from out the back
Said that's the end of that

Went to see the undertaker
Got there D.O.A.
With the shape I was in
Nothing he could say
Got his favorite rake and shovel
From the shed out in the back
Buried me six feet deep
Said that's the end of that