It wasn't supposed to be like this.

I'd being looking forward to this this day ever since I was six.
And wondering what my life would be like.

Naturally, I'd be an astronaut by now.
Flying Eagles on Moonbase Alpha
With Commander Koenig
And the rest of the crew.

Our days would be taken up
Exploring new worlds,
Firing lasers,
And meeting attractive life-forms
With gravity-defying *******.




But now this momentous day had finally arrived
It struck me that something had gone wrong with this plan.



For here I was.
Stuck in traffic on my way to work

In a Peugeot 106
That leaked.

It nearly worked out with Wendolene,
(Once her cyber-dog was sorted)
But she didn't care for Wensleydale,
And so our love was thwarted.

My visits to Lady Tottington,
Were becoming quite a habit,
But things were never quite the same,
Once I'd transformed into a rabbit.

And then I met Piella,
While I was out delivering bread,
Now she was perfect in every way,
...Except that she wanted me dead.

So it's just you and me now, Gromit.
Free again to live as we please,
So let's sit by the fire with our cups of tea,
And enjoy our crackers and cheese.

I know you weren't the only one,
But you were the first I saw.
The others were good in different ways,
But I always liked you more.

RIP Sir Roger Moore (1927-2017)

On the English Riviera,
Off a backstreet called the M5,
There's a hotel run by Basil,
The most obnoxious man alive.

He doesn't like psychiatrists,
Or any other kind of guest,
And he can't tell a peer from a pilferer,
Or a light switch from a breast.

The waiter's from Barcelona,
And tries as best he can,
But sadly he "knows nothing",
So things never go to plan.

You can order a Waldorf Salad,
And a Screwdriver with your meal,
Perhaps the "Siberian Hamster",
Or the Japo-Norwegian veal.

The duck is a trifle scarce at times,
And the chef's drunk all the wine,
But the kippers are to die for,
And the "Grail Frit" tastes just fine.

Try not to complain about your room,
Or the missing dining room door,
And if you happen to see any Germans,
PLEASE DON'T MENTION THE WAR!


RIP Andrew Sachs (1930-2016)

You were born far away in Armenia,
I came from Jackson Heights,
But though we shared no language,
Raw passion filled our nights.

I sacrificed my marriage,
My house and my career,
But these things mattered not to me.
So long as I had you near.

And even though you left me,
To seek out pastures new,
I'll treasure till my dying day,
The love I shared with ewe.

RIP Gene Wilder (1933-2016)

Inhaling the scent of a tropical paradise
You run happily
Along a sun-kissed beach
With sand between your toes
And the wind in your hair.
Your nights are filled with laughter and joy
And you wonder how
You could possibly get any happier.
...If you're drinking Bacardi.

Gagging on the stench of **** and ****
You tread carefully
Over a toy-strewn floor
With Lego beneath your feet
And pulling out your hair.
Your nights are filled with argument and frustration
And you wonder if
You will ever get your life back.
...If you're raising a toddler.

With hungry lips and teasing tongue,
He lets his mouth explore,
Feels the morsel harden,
And hears her beg for more.