I am the kind of girl who has never once forgotten
The name of everyone she's ever had a crush on
I am the kind of girl who has never stopped loving
Or feeling guilty and ashamed

I said platonic
He said try again

In my dreams I am single
Building wealth and surrounded by friends
The desert sun kisses me awake
And continues making love to my soul all through the day
In my dreams I am limitless and free
My ambition is unchallenged and naysayers are ******
I move in authenticity
Which only arouses me more
In my dreams I am alive
Dancing through every gifted moment
Flames of passion rush through my veins
And my every cell vibrates with excitement
But when I wake up it all crashes
And I am deafened by the silence
I am compressed by the limitations of the one next to me
But it isn't his fault; it's my own

I'm reading your favorite book
The one I saw you reading months ago
With the broken spine
And worn thin pages
Discovering more and more pieces of you
In every tumbling line
Every word takes my breath away
Reminding me how in love I am with your soul
I look up from the print as you do a little dance
Everything you make is perfect and the lemon drops have my head a little spinny
Even in our spats we fall deeper in love
Our apartment overlooks the city
Each and every night is so romantic
Our love is passionate and deep and real
We go on the greatest adventures
No two days are the same
And I finally feel alive and supported in my drive
But none if it's real because for all I know
That book was bought used for a class assignment due the next day
I'll never know because I never got up the courage to ask

I think it's finally time to file the papers
My love is infinite but it's turned platonic

Speckled concrete jitters
Sweaty knees knocking
Three seconds of brave
And she leaps
Exhilarating
She's flying and confidence rises
Risk is what she craves
Knowing even three weeks ago
She never would have
Said yes to adventure
To life
But now she refuses to say no
Even when she's terrified
And has one second of "oh ****"

Italian shores sparkling like champagne
New York streets bustling, humming my name
Sedona palms and eternal light
Lou'siana grandeur, twinkling nights

I mourn the life I'll never live

Inside me there is a beast clawing
Its bloodied talons are sharpened on my bones
Gently tearing through every fiber of sinew I have
Each direction I try to run I am met only with conflict
All the walls around me are thick with rebar jagged
The room I am trapped in is flooding
I cannot breathe
I cannot see
My chest is full of fire and the beast is thriving
Excited by the torment I inflict on myself
Two lives, two dreams, unattainable
Unsustainable
The war drum pounds around my heart
I dig deeper, the dirt caked into my bleeding nails
Missiles fly overhead, deafening laughter
Never will I win in the looping soundtrack of what if

I want to fall in love
Deep and passionate and sparkly
I want to feel that high again
And I'm terrified I'll be chasing it the rest of my life

Can a heart break when it's already shattered?
Is that why this pain is different

I crave the kind of love
They write books about
The kind that Hallmark movies are made of
The kind that feels everlasting
Permanent
Electric

Heat rolled through her body
Like the flames that devoured her family
As she kissed a man
Who could be her demise

And just when I've forgotten the hurt
I see the one photo we have together
And I shatter all over again

Water park waves rush up my strawberry legs
My too flabby stomach pudges out over my swimsuit
My big ole ***** are spilling out the sides
The chlorine is eating at my hair dye
And I of course forgot to wear waterproof makeup so my acne is all too visible
But surprisingly I don't care
For the first time in a long time these aren't the thoughts that consume me
Sure they come, but they go just as fast
Because I'm having a blast and I feel loved
I feel completely embraced by the sunshine
The rays seem to be radiating from my imperfect body
I feel at peace and in love
And I realize I am

When I was 13 I read
The Statistical Probability of Love at First Sight
And have been obsessed with math since

Flirt
But not too much
Laugh
But not too loud
Tease
But not too mean
Touch
But not too long
Smile
But not too hard

Dance naked up by the Hollywood sign
Red carpet glitz
Make out at rock concerts
Family holidays
Impulsive matching tattoos
Annual Nutcracker ballet
Vaping and Long Islands
Sunday morning cuddles
Scratches and hickeys
Blanket and pillow forts

Have you not realized that
The butterflies are there
To make you lose
Your ******* mind

Imagery swirls around my mind
Of beautiful stormy skyscapes
Hiding out under covers from the torrent
The glow of young love burning in your
Oceans of graces
Laughter sings in the air thick
With hope and where-have-you-been-all-my-life
Everything in my heart screams
How perfect it all
Would
Be

Sparkling glass beads of water
Drip from her body
Glowing in the incandescent gold
She traces herself in the mirror
Going over all the parts she hates
Until she sees what he does
Gorgeous

.

Even in the space of silence
We say so much
And pick right back up
Like no time has passed

Will forever have my heart

Fleeting
Perfect
Monumental
Summertime
Unending
Ferris wheel
Burning lights
Reckless
Midnight
Shimmering
Pop punk
Desirous
Enviable
Fireworks forever

Purple orange twilight skies
With streaky clouds rolling by
Desert days turn to night
Music cranked, windows down
Memories in hindsight
Lost love
Found hope
Growing pain
Of braking bones
The stars will guide
A heart that lies
To a mind for the right
Reasons

With you
The potential for heartbreak
Always will be worth it

The foolish pitter patter
Of a heart so tender
A flame kindled higher
Everything feels fresh
New
Young
Charmed and enchanted
Bright glimmering smiles
Of a youthful hope, naive and excitable

I wish to be romanced
Completely wooed
Swept off my feet
I want to feel pursued
I crave the late night refrigerator glow dances
And 3 am drives
Sneaking off into fields of clover to stare at the stars
Wishing on every single one for an eternity of this moment
I want the simple ease of a pleasant life
Where we find adventure in the mundane
Just once, I want to be sought after
Rather than doing the chasing

Punk pop rocks
Spark excitement in my stomach
A roiling sizzle of dreams
Erupting like a rocky mountain volcano
Bubbling even in the season of dormant
My tongue and mind awakened

Hot girl summer
Starts with
Healthy girl spring

I always tumble
Suspended in the air in a never ending tunnel
Down
             Down
                          Down
                                       Forgetting to clamber up the walls
Lost hopelessly til time has ceased
And meaning forgotten

I wonder how everyone I've encountered is doing these days
Did New York **** himself like he threatened?
Did New Jersey Photographer make it big?
Did Assembly Boy find someone else to trade shoes with?
Did Catholic Warrior find faith?
Did Olympian come clean?
Did Shoreline reincarnate?
Did Church graduate?
Did Bowling find love?
Did Lasso discover?
Did Fireman really accomplish it all?
Did Cashew go to Silicone?
I know I sure didn't go anywhere I thought I ever would

The golden rays of sun flood through the forest blanket
Beating down gently upon the garden rooted deep beneath the floor
I lie there amongst the flora and the fauna
Questioning my entire reason for existence
Inching up my legs are ivy vines and caterpillars
Who am I?

Overhead birds swoop 'round violently
Accusing caws as they race toward one another
Their feathers fall silent when the rain tumbles from my face
Drowning out the cacophony of fables from my youth
Searching for meaning in thatch roofed houses
Smoke it out

As the cats chase down their prey the bushes shudder and recoil
Painting the earth in green leaves, white petals, red puddles
Careful as they are, they can't avoid the thorns
Softening I melt into the growing brush
Folding like a deck of time-worn cards
To the other side of what?

.

I really love you



I do



Does anything else really matter

My heart longs for the fantasy I once believed in

Closeted memories
Rose stained glasses
A grey dismal fragment
Sadness for who once was
Loneliness stapled to the basement floor

I am Icarus
Flying too close to the sun
I feel the black wax
Melting down my spine
My paper thin feathers
Burning to a crisp
The earth below me is
Threatening and I know
There is no going back
Yearning to be met by someone
Who can match my ambition, match my
Terrifying enormous heart
And throw themselves into the ocean without fear

Soot soils souls
.
Racquets ritually regress

Crackling embers simmer below
Snapping loud bursts at the most inopportune times
Curiosity strikes threatening to remind
Of a life so long ago
Memories boil to the surface
Swelling with a typhoon of emotion
Rudely inviting themselves
To cling to a life of what could have beens
It's like a wound never fully healed
Torn apart, ripping at the scab
Bleeding and itchy
Denial burns cruelly

Everything makes me tired
Lithium
Seroquel
Escitalopram
Sertraline
Hydroxyzine
And so far nothing has worked
I constantly feel overwhelmed
Undervalued
And sad
This Pandemic has devoured my paycheck
And I have learned how
Unimportant I am in such an oversaturated market
My brain feels so scattered and
It does not feel like my birthday
After all what is there to celebrate
By my own actions and choices I have no friends
My medications cause outbursts of anger
And my soon to be husband gets the short end of that stick
I am a mess and I am full of missing

I know I must sound like a record
With a scratch in the wrong place
Sk sk ski skipping but st st sta staying
On the same line
But I miss my best friend
And I could really use a friend always
Isn't that what we all want
I had a Bailey but I was mean
And she took herself away from me
Rightfully so but that doesn't make me
Less sad
And now I'm stuck here missing
My Miss Bailey Lee Ann something awful
I must be in deep **** with her
Because I can't confidently reach,out
Without fearing rejection and blocking
But Bailey
If you read this
Please know I love you
I miss you
And I wish you
Would come back

I am completely consumed
By this moment I get to spend by your side
This moment that will last the rest of our lives
And I could not be happier

I know it's your favorite scent
Sometimes, especially lately, it's hard not to think about you
I want to reach out but I don't know how
And I'm scared you'll just push me away because I've chosen him
But people really do change as they grow up
I want to tell you all about my days all the time
Like two days ago when my brakes stopped working
As I was going downhill in the harbor
Oh I was so scared and I wanted to tell you
Or when I had my magical day at Rainier
But I know you'd be disappointed
I want to tell you the small things to
Like how I burnt the bacon and undercooked my pasta tonight
Or how I can't decide if I love pink or orange more
Or even how much I love that new CD
And crave hot cocoa all the time
I just miss your company but can't figure out how to tell you
And I wish I could be your dryer lint and cigarette ash again

Tonight I am making dinner for two
It'll last the whole week
I can never just cook a proper portion size
It's like I'm accustomed to cooking for six and can't adapt to change
But I love it so much
It might be awful
It might be great
Either way my fiance will smile and tell me I did a great job
Because he honestly believes it
He is so considerate and careful with my emotions
He reminds to take my medicines
9 am
5 pm
8 pm
And sometimes in between depending
He looks at me like I am home
I am safe
I am wild
I am beautiful
And I laugh because he makes me believe it
He has been there for me for years now
Not always directly and I've tried to hate him
But we were in a different place all that time ago
And with age, like wine, we became better
We matured and calmed
And are on the same page now
Engaged and happy and in love
So tonight we'll sit at the table and the TV will be on
Probably football or action films because we let his parents control the remotes for now
I'll light a few candles
And he'll set our places
I'll place the pasta between us and fall a little more in love
Over dinner for two with smiles resting on both our faces

Walk through in the early morning
While the sun sits on the horizon
While stars are still burning brightly dead
Take the time to be truly fascinated by your home
And just speak
Tell your house how much you love it
How grateful you are for the memories you've made and will make
Drop your worries at the front door and keep walking
You can pick them back up later
Talk to your house like it's an old friend
Sit in the silence and listen to what it has to say in return
Keep your house healthy and happy
Maintain your chores
If you fall behind don't worry
House will always forgive you
Because if you listen
You'll hear how much it loves you

From unlicked envelopes
And blank papers
Because my pen could never touch the words
My brain searched for endlessly

If only there were an address I knew for you

Just because a word is spoken
Doesn't mean it is heard

I know I hurt you in the past with some things that I said and some behaviors I've had. I know you hate the person I've chosen to be with for the rest of time and I know the feeling is mutual. I know I hurt your heart with my ignorance and childish selfishness. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry and I miss you. I wish we could be friends again. I tried to tell you happy birthday. And when he proposed I still wanted to tell you first. I want you to be part of all the big moments but I know how unlikely that is now. It's the reality I live in but I don't want to accept it. I'm sorry for behaving so recklessly and emotionally. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to watch as I threw myself back into terrible black holes. But I'm in a much better place now. We've all grown up. I'm sorry I was so despicable. I'm thankful though that you loved me through it all. I miss you. And I love you. But most importantly, I'm sorry Bailey. I hope you can forgive me.

I am bent over and stooped low
Clearly my knees will not last much longer
I am shaking and sweating and scared
Bricks upon bricks are cemented together
And I don't want to fall
But you cannot expect me
A small framed overweight girl
To hold the world
Without some of it falling
Fret not though because I aim to please
And each brick will lay exactly how you designed it
I will stay here
Lowering deeper into a crouch
In hopes that I am finally pleasing you
Oh great big open world
Because unfortunately I still see myself as just a girl
Where instead I should see a strong woman
With an *** that looks incredible
From all that deep squaring
With your ridiculous bricks
I love to bear