Everything makes me tired
Lithium
Seroquel
Escitalopram
Sertraline
Hydroxyzine
And so far nothing has worked
I constantly feel overwhelmed
Undervalued
And sad
This Pandemic has devoured my paycheck
And I have learned how
Unimportant I am in such an oversaturated market
My brain feels so scattered and
It does not feel like my birthday
After all what is there to celebrate
By my own actions and choices I have no friends
My medications cause outbursts of anger
And my soon to be husband gets the short end of that stick
I am a mess and I am full of missing

I know I must sound like a record
With a scratch in the wrong place
Sk sk ski skipping but st st sta staying
On the same line
But I miss my best friend
And I could really use a friend always
Isn't that what we all want
I had a Bailey but I was mean
And she took herself away from me
Rightfully so but that doesn't make me
Less sad
And now I'm stuck here missing
My Miss Bailey Lee Ann something awful
I must be in deep **** with her
Because I can't confidently reach,out
Without fearing rejection and blocking
But Bailey
If you read this
Please know I love you
I miss you
And I wish you
Would come back

I am completely consumed
By this moment I get to spend by your side
This moment that will last the rest of our lives
And I could not be happier

I know it's your favorite scent
Sometimes, especially lately, it's hard not to think about you
I want to reach out but I don't know how
And I'm scared you'll just push me away because I've chosen him
But people really do change as they grow up
I want to tell you all about my days all the time
Like two days ago when my brakes stopped working
As I was going downhill in the harbor
Oh I was so scared and I wanted to tell you
Or when I had my magical day at Rainier
But I know you'd be disappointed
I want to tell you the small things to
Like how I burnt the bacon and undercooked my pasta tonight
Or how I can't decide if I love pink or orange more
Or even how much I love that new CD
And crave hot cocoa all the time
I just miss your company but can't figure out how to tell you
And I wish I could be your dryer lint and cigarette ash again

Tonight I am making dinner for two
It'll last the whole week
I can never just cook a proper portion size
It's like I'm accustomed to cooking for six and can't adapt to change
But I love it so much
It might be awful
It might be great
Either way my fiance will smile and tell me I did a great job
Because he honestly believes it
He is so considerate and careful with my emotions
He reminds to take my medicines
9 am
5 pm
8 pm
And sometimes in between depending
He looks at me like I am home
I am safe
I am wild
I am beautiful
And I laugh because he makes me believe it
He has been there for me for years now
Not always directly and I've tried to hate him
But we were in a different place all that time ago
And with age, like wine, we became better
We matured and calmed
And are on the same page now
Engaged and happy and in love
So tonight we'll sit at the table and the TV will be on
Probably football or action films because we let his parents control the remotes for now
I'll light a few candles
And he'll set our places
I'll place the pasta between us and fall a little more in love
Over dinner for two with smiles resting on both our faces

Walk through in the early morning
While the sun sits on the horizon
While stars are still burning brightly dead
Take the time to be truly fascinated by your home
And just speak
Tell your house how much you love it
How grateful you are for the memories you've made and will make
Drop your worries at the front door and keep walking
You can pick them back up later
Talk to your house like it's an old friend
Sit in the silence and listen to what it has to say in return
Keep your house healthy and happy
Maintain your chores
If you fall behind don't worry
House will always forgive you
Because if you listen
You'll hear how much it loves you

From unlicked envelopes
And blank papers
Because my pen could never touch the words
My brain searched for endlessly