I can be miserably happy,
Messily organized,
And frantically calm
Just so you'll think I'm better than I am

So many cold eyes stare into empty spaces
The waiting room feels crowded with the five of us in this too big space
I hear my name called and am handed a jar
Off to the bathroom I am escorted
The nerves are escalating as I urinate
Into the cold metal door goes my name among others
I can't breathe
He holds my hand and gets me water, saying everything will be fine
But I was turned away last week
They had told me my appointment never finalized in scheduling
I know with certainty this is really happening though
The receptionist with the sad mouth calls me to her window
Is there a different insurance I can try? Do I have the money?
At least the insurance that was supposed to be cancelled is still active
I don't want this money burning my wallet and freezing my heart
He isn't allowed to come back with me
Are you sure, they ask me far too many times
I just want this to be over with
I want to cry
Are you being forced by anyone
Only myself and my promises
I'm scared
I'm sad
They finally let him come back to me
And lay me upon the cold papered examination bed
They force my legs apart and insert their probe
Do you want to see?
Of course I don't but how can I not
In black and white before me is my last eight weeks
Sweaty apple juice is placed in my weak hands
I look so brave in this sterile place
Am I being judged by these people
I'm just too young right now
We have no money
Take these twenty-four hours apart
More prescriptions and pills are passed along to me
I'm barely eighteen and graduated

Days later it feels like there is cotton in my mouth
The medication expands like gauze
I can't feel my tongue or the air around me
It's not too bad after it's dissolved though
Then an hour passes and I can feel the life being taken from me
My whole body convulses
I can't stop the tears
He can't stop the pain
Especially not the emotional kind
He couldn't possibly understand
I've known longer than him
Built a bond that is only meant to be broken
He kisses my stomach like I can't
There's so much blood
I suppose it's time to take all the pain and nausea medications
What makes it worse is that I know I'll be sad for some time
But we agreed to never tell anyone about this happening
We're ashamed we chose this route
But there would have been no chance at survival regardless

Months later I'm still crying
I mourn the intentional loss of my would-have-been love
Though the decision was necessary I can't help but wonder
And I see all these announcements on media
I put on my happy face for them
But I feel robbed
Embarrassed
Sad
The painkiller bottles still aren't empty and serve only as a reminder
Of the two lines we threw away
So that the soul could have a better chance

The depression has been hitting pretty hard lately
I thought I was getting better
I guess I was wrong
Every time I step on the scale I cry a little
Even though I know I'm a healthy weight for the first time ever
I just hate the stretch marks and non-buttoning jeans
I should be grateful I have a job
But it's one I've left before and the promotion made it worse
The house is always a mess and it gives me anxiety
I just have no motivation to do anything
And the cat litter for god's sake
Does that smell ever leave?

I set a timer for five minutes
Five times
And finally cleaned my room
Seeing the floor for the first time
Since December.
I woke up on time this morning
And I made my bed
For the first time in years.
I ate breakfast
I looked nice
I respected myself.
It isn't much,
But it's a start
And I'm actually getting better

Every time I see a new message from him
He's hurt me far too many times
And he always leaves me broken
We keep growing
And surviving
And yet we always run right back to one another
I don't want a relationship with him
I looked my kid in the eye and told her
"I wouldn't"
When she asked if I'd give Cole
A million more opportunities if
He came running back and apologized
Telling me I'm the only girl he's ever loved
And I hope I meant it
Because he's gone and done it
I miss him a lot these days
But we all know he isn't good for me
And there's Evan! Evan,
The man that without fail makes me laugh
And smile
And encourages me to grow
I don't feel weight when I talk to Evan
But this history with Cole is too much to ignore
.
.
.
I think I need to date myself for a while

I refuse to be the
Damsel in distress
When I can be the
De-stressed damsel