helloitsyellow

helloitsyellow Nov 2018

i'm still scared

you say you won't hurt me
but that won't keep me from being afraid you will

helloitsyellow Oct 2018

before

who was i before i wrote?
because that wasn't me.

helloitsyellow Oct 2018

a poet

there are pages
upon pages
of things you may never hear

things that only my notebook
and my pen
will ever see
but that's ok.

because not everything is written for the purpose of reading
because sometimes it's not meant to be read
because reading might ruin what it is

and i'm in love with the idea of being a poet
but maybe being a poet
will be too hard

because how many thoughts
can this notebook hold?

but as i sit here and write
into this very notebook
with my favorite pen

i guess
i already am
a poet

helloitsyellow Oct 2018

equal love

the first time i told him i wasn't ready to say it
i was telling the truth
the second time i told him i wasn't ready to say it
i thought i was telling the truth
i wasn't
i was ready to say it
but i was scared
actually no
terrified
and i think i wouldn't let myself accept it
so it was hard to think that he would
even though of course he would
that's why i'm with him
and it's not that i think i lost myself
but i think it's that i had to remind myself not to get too far
because it's not healthy to put everything into one person
and i can't have my happiness depend on him
i wont let that happen
so i think i didn't let myself say it
because i had to be sure
that i loved myself
just as much as i loved him
and that i cared for myself
just as much as i cared for him
because in the past
i did not
i put myself last
and by doing that
i thought i was doing the right thing
that made me a good person
right?
that made me selfless?
no
that made me depressed
and lonely
and it made me feel unappreciated and taken advantage of
because as cliche as it may seem
you really can't love others
until you love yourself
and when i finally said i knew that it was right
because when you didn't say it back right away
i still felt secure
and it's because the word didn't make it real
you did
and so did i

helloitsyellow Oct 2018

when

when i would think about you for too long and get emotional
when i wanted to spend every minute with you
when i wanted to tell you everything
when we laughed so hard our stomaches hurt
when it became everything all at once
when i couldn't find any other words to describe how i felt
that's when i knew

Oct 2018

Barker

Maybe

Maybe it's the feeling that I could tell you everything.
Maybe it's fact that I could make a total fool of myself,
But not dwell on it because I know that you'll still love me.
Maybe it's because I've never felt like this before and that I have no fear of you hurting me.
Maybe it's the fact that I no longer believe that I am a tough person to love because you make it look so easy.
Maybe it's much simpler than that.
Maybe it's more complicated than this.
Maybe all it is, is you.

(c)ibarker

helloitsyellow Oct 2018

i don't know what to title this

and as i sit here in this bed
and write a poem instead of my english essay
i ask myself how i got here
because there was a time where my nights were filled
with sorrow
with pain
with stress
with regret
and now they are filled
with pride
with smiles
with dedication
with effort
because i put time into what i do now
instead of just do it
and i really don't know if i did that before
or maybe i did
but it didn't mean that much to me then
because what is the point in doing something if the meaning behind it has already been lost
or maybe the meaning was never even there
and so yes
i will write my english essay
but first
i will write this poem
because this poem means something
and right now
i want meaning