the first time i told him i wasn't ready to say it
i was telling the truth
the second time i told him i wasn't ready to say it
i thought i was telling the truth
i wasn't
i was ready to say it
but i was scared
actually no
terrified
and i think i wouldn't let myself accept it
so it was hard to think that he would
even though of course he would
that's why i'm with him
and it's not that i think i lost myself
but i think it's that i had to remind myself not to get too far
because it's not healthy to put everything into one person
and i can't have my happiness depend on him
i wont let that happen
so i think i didn't let myself say it
because i had to be sure
that i loved myself
just as much as i loved him
and that i cared for myself
just as much as i cared for him
because in the past
i did not
i put myself last
and by doing that
i thought i was doing the right thing
that made me a good person
right?
that made me selfless?
no
that made me depressed
and lonely
and it made me feel unappreciated and taken advantage of
because as cliche as it may seem
you really can't love others
until you love yourself
and when i finally said i knew that it was right
because when you didn't say it back right away
i still felt secure
and it's because the word didn't make it real
you did
and so did i