"you have no reason to stay.” The thought wakes you up from your sleep. You can’t shake it, so you watch the rain hit the window sill and wonder if anyone would notice your absence.

“You have no reason to stay” now repeats to the metronome of the second hand on the clock. Over a bowl of cereal and antidepressants.

“You have no reason to stay” takes the form of used tissues lining the carpet and coffee that has gone cold.

“I have no reason to stay” you tell your mother as she combs through your ***** hair and kisses your head.

“Yes you do, your reason to stay is your heart that is still beating-proof that your story isn’t finished quite yet. You can’t give up on an entire story just because the first few chapters are dark.

I met God tonight. We walked along the river bank, the trees were turning and the wind was brisk. It was much brighter than usual, dream-like as I finally plead my case:
“I’m sorry, I just can’t do this anymore” I finally say to break the silence.
“I know” He says understandably.
“I have no reasons to get out of bed in the morning. The only reason I do is because I should. I should go to work. I should go on a hike. I should try to live a normal life. The shoulds are what keep me alive and active and I can’t keep living on shoulds.

My mind is a never ending battlefield and I am exhausted. I’m fed up. I can’t keep living because I should. I can’t keep fighting the agony in my mind. I’ve lost hope.

Last time I found healing it was only to get torn apart even harder. This life has never been what I wanted, I keep trying and trying to make it work and nothing fits. It's not worth it anymore, it never has been..."
A long silence passes as I make my final point
"God, you and I both know I wasn’t meant for this world. I belong with you, in heaven finally experiencing peace for the first time. I belong with my Jesus whom I love. You are good and perfect and holy and that’s where I need to be, I need to be home.”

He takes a deep breath and responds in a fierce gentleness.
"My daughter, you cannot make it through this life without me, you’re right-you’re not strong enough. I want you to listen to me very clearly-depression and the enemy want to tear you apart. They want you to feel isolated.

You see, you are a great threat to the enemy-because he knows how much I will use you for the kingdom. He knows I will move mountains through you and change lives and open hearts through your story and faith. He knows my plans and he is terrified. He is doing everything in his power to destroy you, to turn your mind against itself, to give up on life so that you can’t do the great things I have planned for you.

Listen to me love, I am using you even now in ways you don’t even know. I’ve written your story from beginning to end and I plead with you to let me finish it. Take my hand, and let me walk through all of it with you. The hardships, the suffering, and yes-the joy, laughter, and love because I promise that’s in there too.

You are suffering greatly and you have suffered greatly for the majority of your life, but I made you strong-I made you strong with a heart and compassion that has no limits. You are a dreamer, a believer, and a fighter and it was essential the world needed you in it. You will come out the other side if you could just give me your hand, and let me be there every step of the way. You are precious in my eyes and I love you. I know you think you’re ready for heaven but you are not, there is so much more I want for you here.

Stay my love, stay and let me show you my plans. Stay and let me show you my love. Stay and grow and learn and live. You will never lose the fight to depression so long as you trust me to stay and to live. I love you sweet girl. You are my child, my daughter I died so that you could be mine forever, and I am so glad I did. I’m so glad you are my daughter.”

I give a half-smile and sigh. I take his hand and walk through the fire that surely awaits when I wake up.

A little girl stands, 6 years old looking in the mirror while playing dress-up. She wears a fake tiara and a little too much poorly applied lipstick. She has the biggest dimples when she smiles and eyes as bright as the joy that’s in her heart. She runs to her dad when he comes home from work-he laughs and says “you’re beautiful and lovely don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” She doesn’t need a mirror to believe his words.

Suddenly 6 years turns quickly into 12. Her smile that once stretched from East to West is now nothing more than a forced grin, with worry that fills those big blue eyes. She has thoughts that confuse and attack her and fill her with a paralyzing amount of fear for anything. She knows she’s a little different than her friends. Her dad tells her she’s going to be okay and that God tells us not to worry because he takes cares of us. It was the first time she began to doubt him.

12 years soon turns into 15. She changes her hairstyle and spends hours in front of the mirror wishing to feel comfortable in her own skin. Her best friends all have boyfriends now and she begins to question herself, why do boys notice her friends beauty and not her own? Her dad tells her she’s beautiful and guys aren’t worth it, she doesn’t believe him.

Years go by…heartbreaks and disappointments become a routine. She immerses herself in the depressed girl because she doesn’t believe life for her will ever include joy. She is afraid of herself and the monster that grew inside of her.

She has hope that things might get better when she moves away for college that people might notice her there. A few did, but none stayed. Which was infinitely more painful. Rejection began to trump invisibility and she didn't believe she was worth the happiness that her friends found. She knew God could fix her but doubted that he ever would. Her bright blue eyes seared red from crying, were extraordinarily tired and her smile was as much of a stranger as the person she once was.

What happened to those eyes that once shone bright with passion and joy? Where did they go when life happened and the world broke in? Are our eyes buried inside us? Deep within the lies and hurt we've built up over the years? I believe so. Our eyes are now saturated with suffering and wisdom and are all the more beautiful because of it.

I want to meet someone who makes my heart flutter and gives me sweaty palms. Not because he’s charming or says all the right words because he knows the game-but because he is kind. Because he thirsts for Jesus in a very authentic way.

Someone who is funny-who can make my stomach hurt from laughter because the world needs more of that. Someone who is flawed but relentlessly seeks after God in their humanness. Someone who knows darkness and therefore knows the depths of light.

I know that in today’s world, this kind of person is very few and far between. But I won’t give up in holding out, I won’t settle for anyone  to compensate my loneliness.

I am not a half looking for someone to make me whole, I am whole now, I have joy now.

But I hope to do this life thing with you someday, and I hope this waiting is deepening you into a better, stronger person as it is for me.  I can’t wait to not be strangers.

See you when I see you.

This is what I have learned about healing: it will come.
It’s true what they say, “the first cut is the deepest”
that’s because you will find that learning how to heal
will become a lifelong skill.

Here’s another thing: you can’t let other people heal you.
Because it will only backfire in the end,
worse than the initial wound.
Other people can help along the way,
but us humans are too fickle to be saviors.

The first step in the healing process is learning to love yourself.
The only way to start healing is to believe
that you are worth healing.
Take time, take as much time as you need.
Don’t let other people’s impatience with
your lack of progress discourage or frustrate you.
Just like you can’t yell at a wound to scar faster
you can’t yell at your heart to heal quicker.

You must do things you love.
I know your bed tells you it’s safe
but it’s nothing more than a prison in disguise
for a depressed mind.  

Go outside. Pet a bunch of dogs. Do your laundry.
Be around people that make you laugh.
Watch movies you’ve never seen.
Walk in the park barefoot and watch the sunset alone.
Let yourself cry if you need to.
Drink lots of black coffee and never stop writing,
even if you have nothing to write about.
Talk to God, yell at God, cry to God
he’s never not listening, never withholding his arms of comfort.

This is how you heal.
You strip negative people from your life
and you work to not become a negative person yourself.
Bitterness doesn’t look good on anyone.
And you love and appreciate the
people that love you and fight for you.

Life is a cycle of falling apart and stitching back together,
with some consistent plateaus in between.
Embrace it, because your scars tell powerful stories.

In January I realized I needed help, I withdrew from school and sought a lonely road to recovery.

In February, I finally let go of someone who had been toxic to me for two years. I had never felt more free.

In March I grew stronger and healthier and learned how to take care of myself. I started laughing again and rolled the windows down.

In April, I moved back. It was a beautiful reunion and I was healthy for the first time in my life.

In May, June, and July I experienced a deep loneliness and an empty house that really tested all I had learned. But I found God’s comfort in my deepest isolation.

In August, I went back to school and really experienced college and friends for the first time. As a senior.

In September, I got my heart broken again..but by my best friend. I knew no matter how hard I tried it would never be the same.

In October, I lost myself in a group of people that didn’t value what I valued. It left me with a horrible hangover.

In November, I tried to heal. I tried to step back but I didn’t have anyone else. I had lost so many people this year.

In December, I took the pictures off my wall. I came home. I cried to my mom from a bathtub. I asked her “why?“ She didn’t have the answer though. She said to focus on what I have instead of what I’ve lost, to focus on my dreams and future instead of dwelling on the past.

In 2015 I grew. I loved a lot and I lost a lot. But I’m still here, and restless as ever because I know I was made for more than broken hearts and crippling insecurity

And in 2016 I’m going to find it. And I hope you do too.

My heart is pounding with sin.
The hormones raging within every fiber
of my being with human lust.
I want to take a shower to wash out these impurities
but no amount of soap and water
can cleanse my blood stained heart.
I drink water, hoping it will satisfy my thirst,
but not even that satisfies.
I am dry and devastated because my soul knows
this is not how it was supposed to be.

It's too easy to clear your Internet history.
It's too easy when you're always alone.
It's too easy to stay in the closet on this one.
But this life was never meant to be easy,
challenges and sufferings are the way we grow.
Jesus once said: 'He who has been forgiven little, loves little.'

All I know is the depth of my shame, disgust, and sin
magnifies the glory of my Redeemer.
And all I know is the only thing
that could cleanse such a horrific heart is a horrific cross
that was raised from the grave and given freely to me.
Sin had left a crimson stain He washed it white as snow
And for that I weep with love for my King.

I let him emotionally manipulate me for 2 years because I was afraid of being alone. I didn’t have courage to let him go because I didn't think I deserved any better because no one was offering me any better.


But the freedom I found when I let go of him was more beautiful and exhilarating than any twisted “love” he had ever given me or ever could give me.

Me and him went to a concert a few months ago. I held onto the ticket for a while..thinking one day I’d take a picture of it saying “Look what I found! Miss you.” Today I ripped it apart and threw it away.

(I still have your jacket though)

About 2 weeks ago we were texting at 2AM when you asked me how I would describe you. The question caught me off guard a little because I didn’t know how to be honest without hurting you. So I stuck with ‘smart, fun, obnoxious at times, and caring in your own way’ you said ‘what ways that’ and I said ‘I’m not sure’ and then added ‘how would you describe me?’ Of course you “fell asleep” and decided to stop talking to me after that. Annoying but not unexpected.
Well, some time has passed and I want to change my answer. I could go on and on with explicit profanity and name calling (which don’t get me wrong I want to do) but the thing is, you’re more than just an *******. You’re a coward. You manipulate, you say things you don’t mean, you are selfish, and you’re incredibly misleading.

And when you asked me to describe you I really did want to tell you these things, but I wasn’t ready to lose you quiet yet. Because the truth is, you always made my heart skip a beat, you were fun, you made me think deeper and feel deeper, and I really did believe you were caring in your own way. I wasn’t ready to let you go because the last time I did that it was a hellish 10 months and I was afraid.

Now, I’m still afraid but I’m really starting to believe that I truly don’t need you. I don’t need your lies, your confusion, or manipulation. I don’t need people in my life that constantly reinforce my daunting sense of worthlessness. Because deep deep down I know I am worth more than putting up with your ****.

And you can go into your spiral of self hate and say how much ‘you ****’ all you want but that doesn’t mean anything unless there’s action behind it.

I really loved you. God, I loved you a lot. You were one of the few I’d drop everything for. But I’m done pretending that that’s enough. Because it’s not and it never will be for you.

I hope you eventually find that there’s more to life than this and change is possible but not from an apathetic heart.

And you don’t have to worry about any more hard messages or me ever wanting or trying to be in your life again because I don’t; its not worth my time.

You are the most confusing creator I have ever met. One day you say you're protective of me, you want to be around to take care of me, you enjoy my company, you don't want me to leave--you want me to stay; but now that I'm back you won't speak to me, answer my texts, or even have the slightest interest in seeing me. I knew what I was getting myself into when we started talking again but I don't think I can handle these double standards anymore.

My therapist recently asked me what it was like to be alone. I paused and said that it was like driving home from work in a panic attack, crying and screaming from the emptiness, pulling over on the side of the highway because you couldn’t see the road but deep down not caring if you got hit and died instantly. And you’re in your car alone at 12:06AM looking for the sharpest thing you can find to cut yourself. Anything to distract from the agonizing pain inside your head. You then text your mom saying “I need you”, your best friend, your dad, your other best friend and the silence that comes from everyone else’s busyness screams through the hollow caverns of your heart. You’re alone and you don’t want to be but you don’t have a choice. You believe the God of the universe has abandoned you because he’s not answering as you beg to be saved. Somehow you make it home and to your bed in your empty apartment numbing yourself with sleeping pills when you wake up to messages from those you texted saying “are you okay?” to which you respond “no” knowing nothing will change.

Depression doesn't like it. He doesn't like when I smile, or accidentally crack a laugh. Rather, he likes when I take him on as my full identity.
He loves when I weep from the loneliness, when I curse God for making me this way, when I slit my wrists to feel something, anything besides the numbness. When I daydream about my funeral. He feeds and grows strength off my tears, he makes himself home in the crevices of my empty heart. He seeks to destroy.

Jesus doesn't like it. He doesn't like when I'm sitting alone on my bathroom floor with a handful of pills, or when I can't breath at night because the tears have stopped me up. Rather, he likes when I take him on as my full identity. He loves the way my face lights up at shooting stars or a beautiful sunset, he adores the sound of my laugh, he loves how music is the way we communicate, he loves when I worship him, and he loves to love me.

And he is stronger. And unlike depression, he doesn't need to gain strength. He himself is strength and the battle is already won. O Death where is your victory? O death where is your sting? For my savior is risen and he has redeemed.

“No matter what I’m doing throughout the day, the memories will flood me with full force and without warning. It all comes back in flashes…you would think as time goes on the memories of him would get dimmer and fainter.

unfortunately though, it could have been yesterday. I remember it all, every detail of our relationship..and it tortures me.

if only I could induce myself with amnesia, have him and the nostalgia he brings wash away through my bloodstream.

every word. every touch. every night. every day. every laugh. every text. every tear. everything. gone.

because all of these things come back to me so fresh in my mind, but he never does.

and this, my friend, is what it means to be haunted by a broken heart.”

Not a day goes by where I don’t think of him. Where I don’t miss my best friend. And then the painful reality never ceases to make me feel even more empty: we are not friends. We are just two strangers with a whole lot of memories broken on both ends. And that’s all we’ll ever be.

Wait for the boy who will text you back.
Who loves you when you’re not so easy to love.
The one who makes mistakes but is willing to fight through them with you.
The one who actually cares about every part of you.
The one who wouldn’t play games with you because he intentionally wants to pursue you with no room for confusion.
The one who will never let you go to sleep feeling alone.

Wait for the one who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Wait for him.

Three weeks ago you were telling her how much you missed her at 4am. It must have been the alcohol...because you have avoided her ever since. The amount of texts she sends to you with no reply is almost embarrassing, but more than that it's painful-your silence screams volumes in her ears.

It was her birthday three days ago...and you said nothing. As the sun began to set her heart began to drop when she realized the one "happy birthday" she was waiting for never came. And that's when she knew it was over. You've let her down multiple times...but never quiet like this.

You destroyed the one person who would drop everything for you, who fought for you and loved you with all honesty.

So, she confused a lesson for a soulmate and because of that she is broken...but not beyond repair. You see time and Jesus will heal her soon enough. And when she's too busy enjoying the simple beauties and marveling at what it means to be alive-someone will walk into her life. Someone who will protect and cherish her heart instead of use it for selfish gain.

The storm you set on her is now a light drizzle...and soon you will be nothing but a mist

She will wake up one day and the memories won't haunt her, because now she is strong enough to finally put the past in the past. And all you will be is a distant memory with a lesson learned, and you will lose all power you ever had over her.

These days I have to take melatonin to make me fall asleep. I thought I could go without tonight-but I find myself here again at 12:23AM. The thoughts of you are keeping me awake. Dreams and hopes mixed with anxieties of the unknown. Laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. I wish more than anything I could tell you these words. Knowing you-you are probably up as well, although for different reasons. And if you too are awake -I pray I may cross your mind. It is now 12:37AM and you are still here. Please fall asleep so that I can too.

At one point you made me feel
like I was the only girl in the world that you could love.
Your affectionate touch, your soft spoken words.
In every way making me feel like I was yours.
All those days we spent together,
all those late nights I wish’d would last forever.
I never thought it would all be gone.

I can’t blame you entirely
for giving up on and letting me go so easily.
It seems I’m the only one surprised at how this ended.
I just didn’t know it was possible
for someone so intentional and caring
to be washed over in a sea of apathy.
Because when I needed you most
you ran scared and left me alone because you didn’t care.
Now the memories are not sweet-all they do is sting.

Everyday that passes every hour that drags on, your silence rings volumes in my ear. Because just like that you disappeared.

Everyday that passes every hour that drags on, I’ve come to terms that you really are gone.

Everyday that passes every hour that drags on every tick of the second hand, I am that much further in moving on.

I don't want to wake up crying
Because I had another dream
About you caring.

Your silence is the most hurtful thing.

I don't want to wake up
At 4am anymore
To check my phone
Hoping for the message from you
I know will never come

I’m scared.
I gave you my heart
when you never said you’d protect it.
But it’s hard to resist
when you’re with me like this.
Caring and loving me
as if I were your own.
This is dangerous ground I’m walking on.
The no-mans-land of love promises no security.
No protection.
It’s not safe but I don’t have the strength to walk away.
For fear that if I do you won’t come after me.
And then I’ll really lose you again.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I love you.
And I don’t want to leave.
So please don’t let me.

He's the king of mixed signals
He's the master of deception
His gentle touch says "I'm a protector"
But his words declare "Stay back, I'm a predator"

His blue eyes are soft but his heart, not enough
He says "relationships are worthless" and I'm calling his bluff
And I'm just waiting for you to believe what you already know

I know you're scared and I am too..
But after all we've been through
What do we have to lose?

"Just make sure you're guarding your heart" she says right before she takes a sip of her latte with the bible in between us opened up to the book of Proverbs. This isn't the first time I've heard that phrase. And quiet frankly..its beginning to make me cringe. Because for someone like me, that is one of the hardest tasks you can challenge me with. I am an open book-I have been my whole life, and while some say my vulnerability "inspires them," I don't think they understand the consequences I face daily because of it. Because my heart has been dormant and neglected for almost 20 years-all that it wants to do is give itself away..to anyone and everyone. No matter how many times it has been broken, no matter how many times its been twisted and manipulated by the world it still continues to give itself away.

When will the pain be too much to where this heart of mine turns to ice?
When will the walls build up without ever coming down?
When will I learn?

When you’re at war you have two choices: you can run or you can fight.
But what if you can’t see the enemy?
What if the enemy is a part of you?
I can’t run from my enemies
because my mind is my enemy-
and I am worn from fighting all these years.
So what do you do, when you can’t run or fight?
You lay there helpless and pray for a shield of protection.
And you wait-
with a heavy heart and eager anticipation,
for that glorious day when Revelation 21 becomes a reality.
When pain is not a thing
and death is a distant memory.
I long for that day with every piece of my broken being,
for my mind to finally experience peace.
But that’s then and this is now,
so Jesus..right now would you intercede?
And sustain my beaten frame-
till my last breath,
till my last heartbeat.
Jesus, would you intercede?

If you’re gonna leave-leave completely
Because the thoughts of you
That consume my mind
Keep me up at night.

I hate the little things
that remind me of you.
I’m still pulling bits and pieces of me
From your quicksand.

And although I do like him a lot
He’s not you.
Why do I have hope
That this is redeemable
When it’s based on nothing?

So-here we are, you’re gone, and you left the door wide open ..
I haven’t had the strength
to close it yet

I am wretched and *****
Covered in the filth of insecurity and addiction.
Constantly running
To the lies that promised me life.
Leaving me broken and bleeding
Knocked out on the floor.
This is the war
I will be fighting the rest of my life: the war of recovery.
“It is finished” rings in my ear
While a tsunami of grace washes over me.
Oh how sweet the gospel sounds to ears like mine.

You hurt me and made your intentions clear.
And I hate that I don't hate you.
More so, I hate that I still have feelings for you.
I hate that I cling to the few words you say to me,
And I hate how much I miss you
When you don't think twice about me.
When I ask myself: "Why do I pick people that treat me like nothing?"
My dear friend Charlie reminds me:
We accept the love we think we deserve
I finally understand what he means.

Its almost as if you halfway want me
or you can't decide if I'm worth a full pursuit
or I'm just the sloppy seconds compared to the one you really want.
I didn't recognize I believed these lies
until I was blatantly told the truth.

Jesus didn't halfway die for me.
He didn't begrudgingly go to the cross
and he doesn't merely tolerate me.

I am not mad
and I am not blaming you for anything.
But I am having an epiphany: I am worth a full pursuit.
And I'm not mad because I know, right now, you can't be that
or give that to me.

I would say we met at the wrong time
but I don't think thats true.
Because like its said, "God doesn't make mistakes."
And if anything its practicing patience within me
and trust within Him.

I don't know how this story ends,
but because of Jesus I know it is a better ending
than I could ever dream of creating.

I don't write this for you
or for anyone
but myself

This is my declaration:
*I am uniquely created
and beautifully made
I am worth a full pursuit
just as Christ fully pursues the church.
I will not worry
I will not cry
I will live my life as if you never walked in it
And if one day you come back when you're ready
maybe I will be too.

There's something beautiful that comes
from observing strangers.
Two lovers sit next to me
As I look out the airplane window.
I wonder if they will get married someday.
Or maybe they already are.

Across the aisle an older woman sits
reading the latest edition of "Sky Mall"
and sipping a cup of coffee.
I wonder if she's tired
or maybe she just wants to get to her destination.

Behind me, a tall young man
is taking a nap-
I wonder what he did the night before
that made him so sleepy today.

Its beautiful really.
The way stories come together,
cross paths, and vanish in this elegant mystery.

I can't comprehend
the power of God
to make the lakes below me
and still know each heart in here so deeply.

And I'm not going to try.

Because I wasn't made to understand everything.
I was made to stand in awe at his intricacy.
And right now, looking at creation in the plane and out-
I can't help but wonder-how anyone could doubt.

What I would give
To feel the pain again
The sting in my wrists
The blood on my thighs
One word said and I'll begin to cry
Until I drown in my tears
Hurts built up from all these years.
I cut to feel and I cut to numb
I am a walking talking contradiction
That prays to feel loved.

For the past 19 years
My heart has been dormant.
The cobwebs of loneliness and longing
Make intricate patterns around its bruised and beaten frame.

It runs on little,
With inconsistent beats that continue my breathing.
This heart is rather cold
From endless nights and dragging days
I fear for my heart
For it is hungry.

And it will take any opportunity it can get
At the first sight of affection
To feel something, anything at all.

I am a flower
That is dying with every passing minute
I've been stepped on repeadidly
And many of my petals have been plucked
I don't have much to give anymore
And these thorns I've grown let you know that
No one pays attention to wilting flowers
They might as well be invisible
But I promise
If I could just get some water
And a little ray of sunshine
I can shine brighter than a million stars
And I can love you like you deserve
(Please) be patient with me

Here’s to the girls who have so much to give and no one to give it to.
The ones who spent their freshmen homecoming crying under a table.
The ones who take pills everyday praying it will take the pain away.

The girls who went through high school invisible
and the ones that are still trying to heal from that.
Here’s to the girls that have scars on their skin and even deeper ones on their heart.
Here’s to the tears that have become all too familiar.
Here’s to the endless nights, ragged breathing, and bloodshot eyes.

Here’s to the girls who know pain,
who have been through it all yet still choose to have a soft heart.
The girls that still chose to fill their lungs with air.

Here’s to the girls who haven’t given up.
The girls who have hope that burns in their souls and shines in even the darkest of nights.

Here’s to you. Here’s to me.

And I’m scared because I don’t want depression to win.
I don’t want it to be the end of my story.
Hope shatters at my fingertips at the thought of no way out.
One impulsive decision that is irreversible

And I’m scared because your story is much like mine.
Parallel almost.
Although you are gone, I will keep fighting.
In the moments where no hope is left-I will remain still until it passes,
because purpose flows through my veins solely from the one who gave me life.

today I am happy.
But I am also sad.
I guess you can say I am craving a simple touch I have never felt.
Or words I have never heard.
That eases the longing in my heart.
I just want to snuggle into the embrace of your arms and be still.
Comforted and warm.
Listening to the rhythm of your beating heart.

I miss someone I’ve never met.

This is the time of night when all of the skeletons in your closet come out to play
The time where your sleepy eyes
Don't have the strength to resist temptation
Where your brokenness is revealed
And the demons in your head are released
The time of night when we finally say
"Tomorrow's a new day, time for some changes"
Only to fall back into the pattern of 12:43 AM again

All of our friends are over, all with their lover.
As I sit on the sofa twiddling my thumbs,
I begin to wonder where I went wrong.
It must be the shyness, possibly my appearance
or maybe they see the raging war inside of me.
After all no one wants broken things.
No one wants the tears and scars that comes with a package like me.
People say I’m just not ready,
that I need to wait for my mind to become more steady.
But healing doesn’t happen overnight,
and I know this is something I’ll deal with the rest of my life.
You guarantee there’s one out there for me..when I’m ready.
but I can’t help but wonder…will I ever be?

I long for you.
So I can love you.
So you can hold me.
So we can spend summer nights like these
on the roof looking at the stars.
But the reality is.. I’m alone.
No one to love.
No one to hold.
So I curl myself up in my sheets
and let loneliness be the lullaby
that sings me to sleep.

Many people fight to stay alive
Some are fighting battles of disease
Some starvation and others injuries
But many forget about the ones
Fighting battles that no one can see
Battles in the mind yet they receive no sympathy
If they can't see the pain then it does not exist
No one can see the demons in my head
But the scars on my wrist prove that they're real
Like those battling disease, I am very sick
I am crippling and fading and I am worn from trying
But no one can see that I am dying
I am not my illness, so I will fight it
Although no one can see my little disease
It takes everything I am to continue to breathe

I feel like I'm breathing but I'm not really alive.
The blood pulsing beneath my skin and the air going through my lungs
Means nothing when I feel dead inside.
I am a ghost. Walking through a hall of smiling faces and joyful laughter.
Feeling insignificant and invisible.
Although the scars are fading, my past still haunts me.
My wrists are clean but my heart is not.
Its been beaten, scabbed, broken, and bleeding...but it continues beating.
Death seems peaceful, easy, but I'm not finished here,
Even though I'm in a season of a nightmare.
No matter how hopeless and dark it seems, I still see traces of beauty in the breakdown.
Hope shining through in midst of adversity.
Maybe a smile from a stranger
A flower from a loved one
A kiss, a hug, a touch.
Your beauty is weaved through this storm.
True love is waiting for me, not with a box of chocolates, but nails in His hands, pinned to the cross
Its time to let go and thaw this heart of stone.
My demons have no match to the power of Your name.
My wounds will heal, my heart will stitch up, and through Your power, I will recover.