Mar 2015
About 2 weeks ago we were texting at 2AM when you asked me how I would describe you. The question caught me off guard a little because I didn’t know how to be honest without hurting you. So I stuck with ‘smart, fun, obnoxious at times, and caring in your own way’ you said ‘what ways that’ and I said ‘I’m not sure’ and then added ‘how would you describe me?’ Of course you “fell asleep” and decided to stop talking to me after that. Annoying but not unexpected.
Well, some time has passed and I want to change my answer. I could go on and on with explicit profanity and name calling (which don’t get me wrong I want to do) but the thing is, you’re more than just an *******. You’re a coward. You manipulate, you say things you don’t mean, you are selfish, and you’re incredibly misleading.
And when you asked me to describe you I really did want to tell you these things, but I wasn’t ready to lose you quiet yet. Because the truth is, you always made my heart skip a beat, you were fun, you made me think deeper and feel deeper, and I really did believe you were caring in your own way. I wasn’t ready to let you go because the last time I did that it was a hellish 10 months and I was afraid.
Now, I’m still afraid but I’m really starting to believe that I truly don’t need you. I don’t need your lies, your confusion, or manipulation. I don’t need people in my life that constantly reinforce my daunting sense of worthlessness. Because deep deep down I know I am worth more than putting up with your ****.
And you can go into your spiral of self hate and say how much ‘you ****’ all you want but that doesn’t mean anything unless there’s action behind it.
I really loved you. God, I loved you a lot. You were one of the few I’d drop everything for. But I’m done pretending that that’s enough. Because it’s not and it never will be for you.
I hope you eventually find that there’s more to life than this and change is possible but not from an apathetic heart.
And you don’t have to worry about any more hard messages or me ever wanting or trying to be in your life again because I don’t; its not worth my time.
Well, some time has passed and I want to change my answer. I could go on and on with explicit profanity and name calling (which don’t get me wrong I want to do) but the thing is, you’re more than just an *******. You’re a coward. You manipulate, you say things you don’t mean, you are selfish, and you’re incredibly misleading.
And when you asked me to describe you I really did want to tell you these things, but I wasn’t ready to lose you quiet yet. Because the truth is, you always made my heart skip a beat, you were fun, you made me think deeper and feel deeper, and I really did believe you were caring in your own way. I wasn’t ready to let you go because the last time I did that it was a hellish 10 months and I was afraid.
Now, I’m still afraid but I’m really starting to believe that I truly don’t need you. I don’t need your lies, your confusion, or manipulation. I don’t need people in my life that constantly reinforce my daunting sense of worthlessness. Because deep deep down I know I am worth more than putting up with your ****.
And you can go into your spiral of self hate and say how much ‘you ****’ all you want but that doesn’t mean anything unless there’s action behind it.
I really loved you. God, I loved you a lot. You were one of the few I’d drop everything for. But I’m done pretending that that’s enough. Because it’s not and it never will be for you.
I hope you eventually find that there’s more to life than this and change is possible but not from an apathetic heart.
And you don’t have to worry about any more hard messages or me ever wanting or trying to be in your life again because I don’t; its not worth my time.
