I don't want to wake up
At 4am anymore
To check my phone
Hoping for the message from you
I know will never come

I’m scared.
I gave you my heart
when you never said you’d protect it.
But it’s hard to resist
when you’re with me like this.
Caring and loving me
as if I were your own.
This is dangerous ground I’m walking on.
The no-mans-land of love promises no security.
No protection.
It’s not safe but I don’t have the strength to walk away.
For fear that if I do you won’t come after me.
And then I’ll really lose you again.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I love you.
And I don’t want to leave.
So please don’t let me.

He's the king of mixed signals
He's the master of deception
His gentle touch says "I'm a protector"
But his words declare "Stay back, I'm a predator"

His blue eyes are soft but his heart, not enough
He says "relationships are worthless" and I'm calling his bluff
And I'm just waiting for you to believe what you already know

I know you're scared and I am too..
But after all we've been through
What do we have to lose?

"Just make sure you're guarding your heart" she says right before she takes a sip of her latte with the bible in between us opened up to the book of Proverbs. This isn't the first time I've heard that phrase. And quiet frankly..its beginning to make me cringe. Because for someone like me, that is one of the hardest tasks you can challenge me with. I am an open book-I have been my whole life, and while some say my vulnerability "inspires them," I don't think they understand the consequences I face daily because of it. Because my heart has been dormant and neglected for almost 20 years-all that it wants to do is give itself away..to anyone and everyone. No matter how many times it has been broken, no matter how many times its been twisted and manipulated by the world it still continues to give itself away.

When will the pain be too much to where this heart of mine turns to ice?
When will the walls build up without ever coming down?
When will I learn?

When you’re at war you have two choices: you can run or you can fight.
But what if you can’t see the enemy?
What if the enemy is a part of you?
I can’t run from my enemies
because my mind is my enemy-
and I am worn from fighting all these years.
So what do you do, when you can’t run or fight?
You lay there helpless and pray for a shield of protection.
And you wait-
with a heavy heart and eager anticipation,
for that glorious day when Revelation 21 becomes a reality.
When pain is not a thing
and death is a distant memory.
I long for that day with every piece of my broken being,
for my mind to finally experience peace.
But that’s then and this is now,
so Jesus..right now would you intercede?
And sustain my beaten frame-
till my last breath,
till my last heartbeat.
Jesus, would you intercede?

If you’re gonna leave-leave completely
Because the thoughts of you
That consume my mind
Keep me up at night.

I hate the little things
that remind me of you.
I’m still pulling bits and pieces of me
From your quicksand.

And although I do like him a lot
He’s not you.
Why do I have hope
That this is redeemable
When it’s based on nothing?

So-here we are, you’re gone, and you left the door wide open ..
I haven’t had the strength
to close it yet

I am wretched and *****
Covered in the filth of insecurity and addiction.
Constantly running
To the lies that promised me life.
Leaving me broken and bleeding
Knocked out on the floor.
This is the war
I will be fighting the rest of my life: the war of recovery.
“It is finished” rings in my ear
While a tsunami of grace washes over me.
Oh how sweet the gospel sounds to ears like mine.