I lost the most important
Pieces of my life
In a one year span

Mom's sickness was eating
Her alive
I could see it draining
The life out of her
She lost the sparkle in her eyes
Her skin attached itself
To her bones
And she couldn't hold on
Any longer
Her death was like a shock
That spun me around
And I lost it
When I lost her

Father, I barely knew
I didn't cry on 10.10.09
I couldn't
I watched as his coffin
Silently buried itself underneath
I watched as they threw dirt
On what was left of him
That auto wreck took him away
It took him away
He left so many flowers
That I somehow resent
Cause he grew them
He grew them, not me

I was left with a woman
Who swore under oath
And to my mother's dying eyes
That she would protect me
Lord, if this is what they call
Protection
Then what has the world come to?

Try waking up in a house
Knowing you are not wanted
So many of my nights
Are spent crying because she
Tears me apart
I am not perfect
But I was Mom's little angel
It would **** her
To say 'you did well'
It would **** her
To ask about my wellbeing

Sometimes when the pressure
Raises it's ugly head
She'd tell me

"I am not your mother
You know where your mother
And father are buried
You'll go and live there!!!"

She reminds me that
I am not and will never be
Good enough for her each time
She gets a chance to
What did I do to her?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why did Mom leave me?

Suicidal thoughts
Are forever present
I've tried it several times
One would save me all times
Once,
I dumped bottles of her
Sleeping pills down my throat
All I could hear was the
Sound of my own faint voice
Chanting

"Wake up you idiot,
Wake up before you sleep
Forever!"

Once,
I slit my wrists to
Drain the blood off my veins
My brother found me
Lying unconscious on the
Bedroom corner and aided me

Once,
I wore black and sat at the road
At midnight
A woman stopped and told me
I had so much to live for
That the future had gifts

Existing, but not living
Breathing air that does nothing
But inflate my lungs
Will anything ever take
The pain away?
This is not life

This has been going on
For 5 years now
Her words are like bullets
That pierce through
My rib cage and rock me
To my core
Inflicting her insanity on me
One would think
She's highly sadistic

I try to hold on,
Really I do
But my faith is in shambles
I struggle to believe
That I have a purpose
And all I'm holding onto
Are tatters of memories
Of what once was

We are a moment of awkward eye contact
         and sweaty palms;
All the tension of the world
      weighing on feeble shoulders.

I'm not sure if we're going anywhere,
Or if we're already where we need to be.

Walking past you in the hallway,
Always makes me
              Think.

I dont know myself anymore.
Its crazy to think that,
Almost every minute,
And every second
Is just a big show.
The laughing,
The smiles,
The sarcasm,
Is that really me?
Who am I?
I walk past a mirror
I stop and look,
To see a new person
I didn't know last year.
Why do we change?
Are we always in some phase?
I study my face.
I never thought
I would become this girl.
We simply cannot
Just stop from becoming older
And blossoming
Into a new being.
Yet feel so young.
I want to hold on.
My memories keep me sane,
From the madness of myself.
Always changing.
Always growing.
Gaining new opinions.
I think of me.
Then I think of what you see.
And my mind goes blank.
You might be questioning too,
what i think of you.
Do you know yourself?
Does anyone their full self?
What you will  be like
One,
Five,
Ten,
Twenty years from now?
The answer is no.
But one thing i do know,
We are all good at heart.
But we change,
We adapt to the circumstances
That we are either
blessed into,
Or cursed into.
Its all a big gamble on who we are.
Who we become.
What we like
Or dislike.
I look at the girl once more.
I study her intensly.
That image now burned
Into my mind,
Into my heart.
I leave the mirror
And walk on my path.
Knowing that I will never see
That exact same girl
Ever again.
But i will always remember.
So please don't forget
The person you are
Or that little girl
You saw in the mirror.
Because she may be disapointed,
To see who she now is now.

You can make peace with the past
But it will never truly fade
The thousand days I spent with you
Now fill my heart with pain
We were so close, our friendship solid
But sadly change came around
Our priorities were different
Your choices were clear
As you buried me in the ground

Honest moments are born
In the predawn stillness of the night
Tearful confessions whispered
Into the nook of one's neck
Smoke drifting lazily towards the ceiling
While the candle flickers in the background
Dancing and dancing all of the pain away

Pillars of salt
Stretched across
A navy blanket
Makes me start
To smile and reflect
On how just yesterday
I would feel alone
And without friends.
Then one day,
Out of nowhere
Appeared your boring avatar,
Revealing a world
Of limitless humor,
Wisdom, and fun,
And however silly this is,
When I look at that
Blanket of sand,
And catch myself smiling,
In your far away land,
I'll hope you're
Thinking of me.