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Feb 2014
I lost the most important
Pieces of my life
In a one year span

Mom's sickness was eating
Her alive
I could see it draining
The life out of her
She lost the sparkle in her eyes
Her skin attached itself
To her bones
And she couldn't hold on
Any longer
Her death was like a shock
That spun me around
And I lost it
When I lost her

Father, I barely knew
I didn't cry on 10.10.09
I couldn't
I watched as his coffin
Silently buried itself underneath
I watched as they threw dirt
On what was left of him
That auto wreck took him away
It took him away
He left so many flowers
That I somehow resent
Cause he grew them
He grew them, not me

I was left with a woman
Who swore under oath
And to my mother's dying eyes
That she would protect me
Lord, if this is what they call
Then what has the world come to?

Try waking up in a house
Knowing you are not wanted
So many of my nights
Are spent crying because she
Tears me apart
I am not perfect
But I was Mom's little angel
It would **** her
To say 'you did well'
It would **** her
To ask about my wellbeing

Sometimes when the pressure
Raises it's ugly head
She'd tell me

"I am not your mother
You know where your mother
And father are buried
You'll go and live there!!!"

She reminds me that
I am not and will never be
Good enough for her each time
She gets a chance to
What did I do to her?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why did Mom leave me?

Suicidal thoughts
Are forever present
I've tried it several times
One would save me all times
I dumped bottles of her
Sleeping pills down my throat
All I could hear was the
Sound of my own faint voice

"Wake up you idiot,
Wake up before you sleep

I slit my wrists to
Drain the blood off my veins
My brother found me
Lying unconscious on the
Bedroom corner and aided me

I wore black and sat at the road
At midnight
A woman stopped and told me
I had so much to live for
That the future had gifts

Existing, but not living
Breathing air that does nothing
But inflate my lungs
Will anything ever take
The pain away?
This is not life

This has been going on
For 5 years now
Her words are like bullets
That pierce through
My rib cage and rock me
To my core
Inflicting her insanity on me
One would think
She's highly sadistic

I try to hold on,
Really I do
But my faith is in shambles
I struggle to believe
That I have a purpose
And all I'm holding onto
Are tatters of memories
Of what once was
Wrote this this morning. The struggle is real out here, I just wish I had somewhere else to go.
purple orchid
Written by
purple orchid  South Africa
(South Africa)   
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