Loosening your hold
On my conscious
Never an option
I want to be your dog
And I'm not the obedient type.
Know I love the leash
And I love to walk
But I want you to choke the **** out of me
The whole way.
It's the only way I learned to breathe.

Seven seconds of the ray
seven colors all long day.
Seven spaces in between
Seven characters all one scene.

Somber eyes glaze
Your defenses
Your grated heart pulp
Not so new to petrification.  
Anxiety turns the nerves to stone
And they crumble with age.  
Not to be confused with metal
Which would only rust any way.
Thoughts are offerings
And they are takings.
And you eat yourself alive.
Devour every moment of suffering.
Though you'll be no martyr.

My dreams fell off the mantle
and the maid came in to sweep
now my shatter conclusions
are in the trash quite deep.

I have never been one
to extract from the dead
anything I needed
for anything in my head

I have always tried,
to sow new fertile ground
but they flames which in engulf
will give something profound.

Just like the death of some,
may very well feed my fuel
but my fuel would never feed me
for I am just a fool.

Hard to blame any one
For the corruption of the mind
Its  like a noticable Design .
From the begining
If Adam were such a holy being
If creation had been pure
He would have eyes
that would  be seeing
He would have understood     that allure.
My question is why leave a trap
To condemn
When curiosity  can equal sin.
Where is the meaning
Given to us by other men.
Have you ever had an independent thought
Free of  those notions closing you in.
Develope that which is with in.
The mind.

this body has no mind.
Who am i?

This body can't define.

Who am i?

I'm feeling confused,
Not knowing if denial is the right word for liver failure.
You always were so sick
It's like it never occurred to me you could die.
And I'm still laughing and sarcastically acting
Like this is what Ive waited for.
I've been telling people you were dead for 3 years
Because my relationship with my mother
Was to hard to think about.
It was easier for me to pretend you were dead.
But now I find myself edging tears neurotically repeating my chosen mantra for the week

She won't die, she couldn't die... right?

I don't know how many times I've thought that confronting the harsh truth of the life you chose to live.
You've always been so sick
So sick and mean.
And Ive waded through every last memory I had of you
Every day since you let me know
How many days has it been
4.
And none of them gave me the closure I was hoping for.
I found myself insecure and unassured of your love all over again
I found myself feeling rejected by your personality.
I found myself still so desperate for the relationship we could have had.
Had you controlled your anger
Controlled your resentments
Controlled your drugs habits
Your out rageously childish rebellion
But instead I see you as some one who was always mean to me .
Who I just so happen to be madly inlove with and all I wanted to dO was mean something to you
I wanted you to like me
I wanted you to love me
I wanted to just make you happy
So you could love me but it didn't happen.
And you've destroyed your body by 43.
Your livers failing now
Because you didn't get your hep c treated
And I know I shouldn't want to save you it would be a waste, make myself weak so you can abuse another part of me all over again
But I wonder what the chances of us being a match is
And I wonder if being your daughter would make the lupus less of an issue in transplant, and i wonder if maybe you would finally understand the type of loyalty and love I've had for you

Deep inside the caverns
in a forest far grown deep
Underneath the shadows
where the reflections of me sleep.
hidden away in the depths of all is me
but always blinded by the parts of me that see
never really knowing whats inside of me

I feel change
i know I'm the same
Just like the flame
I burn the same.


Deep inside the caverns
of a forest far grown deep.
where all of my reflections
silently sleep.
If i could only stay here
this silence i could keep.
But chatter echos through the forest
and now the Reflections see.

And they change

Silver plated mirrors
feed narcissus our light
and in the power struggle
the one refuse the fight.

Oh silver plated mirror
what you are reflecting me
How dare you taint this mind
and refuse the one to see.

Silver plated mirror,
with a thousand changing faces
You move into the darkness
and follow what mind chases


for desire in the mind
can take  to deathly places.

Ringing out
you awaken my reflections
and in their life
silver plated resurrections

Narcissus
has been threatening us

With his silver plated mirrors
covering thoughts of rust.

How tangible is mind,
your thoughts are so sound?
That proven beyond doubt
you are real?

You complicate me
Your presence in my text book
of life had been lived
and your name in the credits
but our lives how they've been rived.

And i never know you and I never see you
but you want me to love you and you want me to be you.

Or maybe Im delusional and perhaps a bit lost.
Kind of narcissistic  but at a slight cost.

A move in my canals and i carve my own canyon
still the past is what my mind lands on.

We're all taught that some day some where
things will be perfect.
as children we are told of santa clause
and as adults we are told of Heaven.
That if we can just make it through
our ****** existences
then maybe
if your good enough
maybe if your special
one day
You can have your happily ever after.

But I've found heaven
in shopping bags and books.


In running in to old friends in strange places

In making love in the yard at 4 a.m

I found heaven in life
and i think thats what people are missing.

selectively moving through
the parts of me that are hard to see
Building all the way up to
something I could have never seen.
Coming
was such a suprise.
Bodies humming
and the night was so nice,
so nice,
it was to be next to you .

Moving through all the things we do
together
is such a nice word
when I'm with you
its how I say me,
and now your missing
and terrible feeling.

Said to me
Pain is not bad
said to me  feel it fully.

Said to me, Joy is not better.
Just a different feeling.

Asked me why
I preferred states of altered.

Wonder what was so bad
About my culture

or the culture of my people.

I said drugs are illegal.

Said to me who am I?

Asked me if I ever wondered...

why?  

Why i am the way i am
said to me
not like any man,
but a special type of mind.

To know thyself is the only salvation.

To know who you are and why.

Said to me,
pain is not bad,
its just your belief,
and joy is not Good
it gives no relief.

States of being,
be not fooled.
Try for healing,
or be ridiculed.

By the self inside,
that just tries to hide.

Deep in time
when theres really no time.

and tuesday doesn't exist
its just another day.

and just so you know,
I've never changed any way.

Its simple and still
its always the same
its just the scenery
gets rearranged.

No time passes
thats only your mind.
Things do change, but only in time.

and thats unreal
so its simply a dream

all your doing is imagining.

so take your moment
and live it full.

You pityful
I pity fools
you over grown
bacteria pool

I fixed the leak in the basement
but the smell never dissapeared
I cleaned the sludge from the pavement
but the smell never really cleared.


Im pitiful
I pity fools
Im never ending
brain spools

You gross me out,
you let me down
you  make me want to leave town.

Its pitiful
i pity fools

Seems like the sun
You move through the streets
Through the shadows
Of our house
You lift dust
In your wake
Shuffling  back and forth.
Seems like the sun
You follow sweet season
Sweet reason
You follow routine.
Your nice and your mean
Your gold  and your green.
Seems like the sun
You fashion my days warm with smiles.
With love and light.
Seems like the sun.

Soft petals of truth
sanctify you

Your blossoming blooming
is so utterly proving.


Your thoughts and your doing
are so totally moving.

I'll tear those petals off.
I'll take what I have lost.

Stinking stingers electrocute my brains
burn my flesh and the smell is profane.
I always loved you
but i was never sane
So just for you
I will now refrain.

Hold my judgments
I'm not trying to wrong your rights.
I just want you to soothe inside.

Hold your judgments
its not me who doesn't care.
I just try to be aware.