when I say that people make me anxious
I don't mean it in an I don't like public speaking way
or in an I'm nervous around groups of people I don't know way
both of those are very true
but my anxiety encompasses more than that

it's when 3 times within an hour I texted my best friend, who had assured me 17 times previously that he loves me, and he didn't text back and the fear that he didn't love me anymore because I am too clingy became an all consuming ache in my stomach
it's when after spending ten hours talking with a girl who'd told me that she avoids people she doesn't like and saying 3 stupid things in those ten hours that I couldn't fall asleep for hours afterward, not because of the residual butterflies of our interaction but because the weight of my sheets was the weight of those 3 things and I was trapped as my mind fluttered over them, over and over them, I convinced myself that that beautiful person would never want to spend time with me again
it's when I spoke one poorly worded sentence in class and my face burned like a forest fire and for days I smelled smoke every time I thought about how much my classmates must abhor me for speaking at all
it's when I  chewed the inside of my cheek to shreds while I didn't tell my brother that his misogynistic jokes weren't funny because I thought that criticizing his humor would remove me from the spot of favorite sister even though I'm his only sister
it's when I'm afraid that cutting my hair short will make me too gay for my mother to keep loving me despite the fact that drunk texting her on thanksgiving about a crush I have on a girl did not
it's when I don't wave at people first because when I do wave at people and they don't wave back I assume that they didn't wave back not because they didn't see me but because they don't like me
it's when my hands shook as I apologized to my doctor for being sick all the time
it's when I did't tell my therapist all of my problems because I don't want him to hate me for being so weak
if I were rain I'd apologize for falling because I apologize to everyone for everything that I am

people make me anxious because I love people and I want them to love me back
people make me anxious because I feel that I am too much and not enough
people don't make me anxious because of people, people make me anxious because of me

It's so funny
How after a while
You learn to hide all the bad stuff
Knowing you shouldn't tell
Not wanting to bother a single soul
With your irreverent pangs

Feeble is love.
Weak as a kitten.
Indiscreet and tiny.
Hidden in corners.
Lands in laps unexpectedly.
Feisty as a puppy.
With needle teeth he nips.
Needle teeth and eyes combined.
Snares sweetheart, love is blind.
Puppy love hides in corners.
Think love is simple?
He's not.
A constrictor, he is waiting to crush you.
Before he slithers slowly away.
Revealed yesterday.
Departing today.
(C) LIVVI X 2014

Sheer little sun dress,
Lustful Gods gifted my eyes,
Rain took off her clothes.

He comes in around the same time
every Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday
eating alone save for the newspapers
constantly clutched beneath his arm
his spectacles worn to ice
his windbreaker and khakis
every time ordering the same
salad, soup, and pasta dish
He doesn’t talk much
and I like that
his words are rare occurrences
of honest observation
a reflection of the aged, sad look
which he wears on his face
every Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday
just before the dinner rush
I never see him arrive or leave
simply he appears
a ghost from an old photograph
walking among the swirling mess
of flesh, blood, and heartbeats
I bet he drives an Oldsmobile
or maybe a buick
stick shift with faded leather interior
I bet he had a wife once who loved him
and children who weren’t too grown up
to give him a call every now and then
just to check in
I think about this man
under the closing-time moon
as I pull myself into my car
and leave
away with my own life
my own story
and I aim not to forget him

Through the darkness, is what beholds the light
But through the mirror, really seeing ourselves in that light
Seeing who we truly are seems over most people's perception
Seemingly distorted, it remains
As if it were a lifelong puzzle and they key is nothing and no one but ourselves
Revealing ourselves is more than just a look in the mirror
It takes sacrifice

You fill my lungs with smoke

Your body burns
Between my finger tips
While ash falls slowly to the floor

I know that you are toxic to my health
But I've been addicted in the worst possible way

I....
Crave you in the morning

I can....
Taste you in the back of my throat

I need you
Like no other

I want you
More than my next breath

You are just like a cigarette
You’ve infected me with your cancer
Quit you I must,
Before you bury me in the ground
And turn my body into dust

© 2013-2014 Peach

I haven't had a nightmare in eight years,
despite having anxiety, lots of brain activity and eating before bed
despite having stress or even sleeping in uncomfortable positions
all of those are the leading causes for nightmares
and those all happen excessively to me
so tell me why I can't sleep at night
tell me why I can only sleep when I'm so tired I pass out
perhaps there's a reason
or maybe it's because every time I go to sleep, I dream
and every time I wake up,
I wake up into a nightmare.

Her mother pushed religious ******* down her throat
But she refused to listen
Her mother pulled her hair and took away her hope
But she had accepted long ago her mothers love had conditions
Her mother always let her get caught in the crossfire of her anger
But she just locked herself in her room to forget
Her mother constantly called her a failure
But she didn't need her mother to remind her of her regrets
Her mother was fed up with her passive aggressive behavior
But she knew she deserved better than this neglect
Her mother always yelled at her for never talking
And she let hollow silence be her reply
It wasn't until her mother said "You should **** yourself."
That she happily complied