i am in awe when i look at you
not at your flame and your feathers
but rather the way you choose to sever the tethers
people tried to use to bind you to the idea of who they thought you were
and rather than get caught up in their perceptions
you chose instead to rise from the ashes of those misconceptions
alight and alive with new purpose
without a trace or shadow of what you left behind
the old you was incinerated, turned to ashes in the fire of your passions
as you recreated yourself
a man of ambition
whose intelligence and tenacity
veracity
burn so bright you can't even look right at him

you remade yourself into who you wanted to be
did the thing that so many others strive and fail to
and somehow it's like you forget how far you've come
because the man i'm talking to, he has no idea how to be kind to himself
how to silence the voices within him that lie
and tell him that he is not enough, doesn't do enough, will never be enough

remember whenever those whispers start up
that say you're a loser, a disgrace, not enough
that when i look at you i am truly inspired
by the events in your past that i know have transpired
leading up to this transformation that begs the comparison
between you, my friend, and a mythical bird
both reborn from a ghost of who you were
into a fiery beacon of hope, inspiration
remember that it was all you and your ambition that led to this recreation

With every act of certainty
I reclaim my identity.
I deserve to be here.
My past does not own me.
My mistakes do not define me.  
I am whole in my brokenness
— blossoming slowly
into my new found freedom.
I am finally whole
—battle wounds and all
there is nothing
that can stop me now.

November 20th,

Drowning in moonlight
beneath the november sky
the stars shine like lanterns
across the desert night.

The tranquil waters
of the Colorado River stop time,
as patiently— I wait for sunrise.

There’s nothing quite like it
over the San Bernardino sky.

In this life
you will meet those
who hold on to your pain
like it’s gold.
They will
treasure your failures
and silently smile
when you fall to the ground.
It is their nature
to be so heartless and cold
because they don’t see
the love
they hold in their own soul.
The suffering
they see in others
gives them the illusion
of an enlightened mind.
When really
all they have
is a heavy soul
weighed down
from an egotistical point of view.
These are the souls
that will flap their wings
forever
without ever
lifting off the ground.
Then
there are the old souls.
The ones
that give their all
to living a life
that’s pure as gold.
They come from
the roughest cut of stone
carrying the heaviest baggage
under brittle broken bones.
Yet still
they smile
as they pass by
the young souls
desperately flapping
to get off the ground
unaware
of what the old souls discovered long ago
they must
sacrifice their wings
and be willing
to take the stairs
with all their baggage
with eyes full of tears
because that’s the only way
they will ever
get out of here.

I’ve been traveling for about a week now. It feels strange to be back on the road. Living out of a backpack and driving until I can no longer see the lines on the road. Pulling over and sleeping in some sketchy walmart parking lot in some random southern town a thousand miles from home. But I know this open road is leading me somewhere. I can feel it in my bones. I was meant to drive from coast to coast. To see the sunrise over new places. To spark my soul into remembrance — *you are still alive.

I had the oddest dream last night. I was watching myself grow up as a child. I felt as though I was seeing through another’s eyes. I think maybe it was my great grandmother showing me the light I have inside. I’m not sure exactly why, but it was truly a gift from the other side. I felt such a sense of pride that I awoke with tears in my eyes.

there are dreams
there are memories
and their difference
lays somewhere in between