It's the happy memories
That bring a meloncholly heart.
The ones with the smiles and the laughs
Of kissing in a snowstorm
Or dancing in the rain.

The sad ones hurt
But not the same way.
Because the joy that once was
Will never happen again
With you.

My mind frame hangs on a wall
But I've forgotten the image that it held.
Maybe the rise and fall
Of everything that I used to call
Home.

I've lost my train of thought
But I'm still stuck
On the wrong side of the tracks
And the way I act
Has no impact
On what goes on
Around me.

Indifference.
When was the instance
That I stopped seeing things as beautiful,
That I stopped hearing your voice as wonderful,
That I stopped thinking of my self as capable
Of living?

Existence
Does mine really matter
If I climbed a latter
Would I have to come back down?
How do I know if what's lost
Will ever be found?

Someday I will think of you
And smile because I made it
Beaten and bruised,
The darkness didn't consume me
I cried for what I didn't understand
But I held my own hand.

if i'm being honest with myself,
i am always scared

i am scared that someday i will trip in the
school hallway with everyone around, and
i am scared that my family will stop being able
to take care of ourselves. i am
scared that a third world war will erupt and
it will start two streets down the road from me
and end in my front yard

i am scared that one day i'll convince myself
that nobody really loves me, and, even worse, that
nobody will be around to tell me otherwise. and
i am scared that i'll drown at camp this summer
and i'm scared that if i don't, i will want to

i'm scared of needles and feet and airplanes
and on especially bad nights, i am afraid of the dark.

mostly i'm afraid that i will never stop living my
life on the brink of a panic attack, that i will always
back down from a fight, that i will never learn
to speak for myself, and i am scared that i will never
become anything more than this

I must be taller than 5'2 allows,
Because I lay on the floor
While my head's in the clouds.

I must be made to live in the night,
I see beautiful worlds
With my eyes shut tight.

Mother why are you crying
Could it be because I'm dying?
You thought the worst was in the past
I should tell you, you were wrong.

Father why are you yelling?
It just makes death more compelling;
You thought your voice would scare me
I should tell you, you are wrong.

Lover why are you leaving
I survived but still you're grieving?
You think you know best what's in my heart
I should tell you, you are wrong.

Brother why do you smile so wide
When I tell you I dream of suicide?
Thinking deep down I want to live
I should tell you, you are wrong.

Sister why must I love you so?
You are what makes it hard to go;
So innocent and fragile
You think the world so sweet and kind.
I should tell you, you are wrong.

So many people in my life
That question if this choice is right
They just don't know or comprehend
Why I so wish my life would end
And though I love them all so much
I feel so very out of touch
Even though I will be missed
I give them all a final kiss
You said this won't be my last song...
But I should tell you, you are wrong.

You're like a balloon
And if I let my guard down
You'll float away and I'll be alone
Honestly, the only thing worse
Than not having you
Is having you but feeling like I'm yours
But you're not mine
My jealousy will be our undoing
It's only a matter of time
Because love hurts
It's just a game of who gets it first
And we're playing Russian Roulette with our hearts
I'm so ******* paranoid that you're with girls that aren't me
And I know I have to leave you
Before you can leave me

I slept in your arms last night
Familiar yet so strange
You smelled of you and something else
Something that made me sad
Something I didn't know.
I slept in your heart last night
Gone for so long from that place
My sanctuary
Your bitter words can't find me there
Restful sleep found me at last.
I slept in your bed last night
It used to be mine too
Stains only we can see
Reminding us of a time we can't forget
We can't let go, can't move on
If we pretend, maybe it will always be this way.
I slept in your house last night
Rooms and doors I used to know
Filled with things that belong to someone else
Your friend, my replacement
I cry when I see no sign of me there
In what was once mine as well.
I slept in your arms last night....
So warm and welcoming
Desperate for me to fill them
Longing for something we will never have again
Something left broken in our every thought
Wishes that things were how they were
Not how they are
Not how they will be from now on.