i don't watch home movies
hate them
reason being because
when i was young
i was looking for a movie
my mother
had recorded for me
and accidentally
put one in the vcr
that i'm not sure
i was supposed to see
i know the obvious response
"uh oh, ****"
sorry to disappoint
they were only marked with dates
  1991
on live television
montel williams asks my father
"how can you just throw
your child away like a piece of trash?"
   1994
i spend so much time
in the emergency room
that my parents stop
penciling in growth marks
on the frame
of my bedroom door
i always thought
it was because they believed
i would never grow out
of this sickness
sometimes i believe
the reason that they
never bought me a dream catcher
was because they never thought
i'd live long enough
to see them come true
   1996
i am eliminated
from a spelling bee
because i didn't know
the 'dad' is silent in 'family'
   2013
before i got into poetry
i used to do standup
none of my jokes were funny
one of the other comics
tells me my skits are dry
sometimes sad
he says "why don't you joke
about something like your family?"
so i say
"i never wore any sunblock
because i didn't want anything
to keep me from my father"
i say "what do you call christmas
without lights or heat?"
before he has a chance
to answer
i say "1997. better yet
why don't you
make like a dad and
leave"
   2014
every time we drive
past the hospital
my mother reminds me
how much it cost to save my life
like she'd rather
have her money back
she doesn't have to say
that sometimes she wishes
it was me who had died
instead of my brother
i can hear it in the way
she says "love you"
sometimes i imagine
that if i were to die
that she
would pick out a casket for a child
because she never loved
the person i became
yesterday i told my father
how close i'd been
to suicide lately
and he said
"that's my boy,
livin on the edge.."
and i can't remember
if i laughed
or cried

WHEN THE LOVEN IS THROUGH

I won’t deny I haven’t been in this position before
Sometimes it meant less sometimes it meant more
So don’t be offended of I ask is it just for the night
I’ve said so many goodbyes by the morning light

AND WILL YOU KISS ME – WHEN THE LOVEN IS THROUGH
   WILL YOU HOLD ME CLOSE TO YOU
AND WILL YOU TOUCH ME – WHEN THE LOVEN IS THROUGH
   WILL YOU BE THERE – WHEN THE LOVEN PART IS THROUGH
I want to trust again -  I so want to feel love again

So many times my love’s (has) been left in pieces of the floor
So don’t be offended if I seem to be unsure
And give me a reason to believe it’s not just for the night
I’ve said so many goodbyes by the morning light

AND WILL YOU KISS ME – WHEN THE LOVEN IS THROUGH
   WILL YOU HOLD ME CLOSE TO YOU
AND WILL YOU TOUCH ME – WHEN THE LOVEN IS THROUGH
   WILL YOU BE THERE – WHEN THE LOVEN PART IS THROUGH
I want to trust again -  I so want to feel love again

BRIDGE
How long does loneliness last
                 When should you take another chance
You only lose if yesterday
Takes all your tomorrows away

      By VjKelly ©1991 vincentjkelly@yahoo.com

Little girl, what happened to you?
Little girl of chocolate milk 
and dandelions

You were so free
Sure you cried easy,
but you laughed freely too

Little girl, what have I done to you?
Little girl of day dreams
and make-believe

Your heart was so big
Maybe it was bruised at times,
but it always bounced right back

Little girl, I'm so sorry
You would be so disappointed 
to see what we've become

I lost you over time,
piece by piece,
like an old lego set

Out of broken glass
and cigarettes,
we became something new

It's hard to believe I was once you
That I was ever so pure
Now I'm what we never wanted to be

Little girl, I miss you
Little girl, I need help
Little girl, please come back

looking out the window of a plane,
I wondered if I had ever seen
stars this close before and
somehow let myself forget-
not understanding the beauty
to be found
in a vulnerable sky.

I had done that a lot growing up-
forgotten.
I let memories dissipate in anticipation
of better ones, not knowing, or maybe refusing
to believe, that the best memories were quiet
and garnished with love.

I wondered
why I hadn’t appreciated more as a child,
why I didn’t gulp down life like I would
a lemonade on a sweltering day.

I took many things for granted then.
I didn’t look at trees
with awe,
driving down dark roads,
listening to the hum of wheels
against pavement,
but with heavy eyelids.

what I would do
to go back
to those evening car rides
and keep my eyes wide open.