.
you tell yourself they love you
                         but they tie you to a pyre
                                               and they set you
                                                             ­        *ablaze

My town.
a lonely place
full of the drunk
and the depressed

the fat belcher
coming home from the bar
at 11pm
rambling nonsense and nothings
to the moon and stars
because no one ever listens anymore

teenagers walking
down cobbled streets
at midnight
thinking about how easy
it would be to disappear
because no one misses them yet

the party-hards
blaring music through windows
at 1 in the morning
to distract themselves
from the monsters in their head
because the sound is an antidote

and the observers, like me
who sit and watch
at every hour of every night
and see the nooks and crevices
in this broken little town
and here we sit
typing away our little report
of the drunk and the depressed

we're not like them, no.
we can't be.
not in this
lonely
little
town.

I don't have anyone
Not one person gives a ****
Everyone who ever said
That I meant something
Has ****** off or died
I'm not easy to handle
I can be a ***** sometimes
I am not perfect and not easy
To love. But I am so tired
Of feeling upset
And being lonely
I just want someone to be there for me
But
No one
Ever
Is.

Sometimes you wake up
At 4am
And realise you're in love
Sometimes you wake up
At 4am
And realise you're not

I don't know which one
Is worse

I have ****** things up
So much for myself
I have fallen in love
With damaged people
Who I cannot help
(Though I try. God do I try)
And I have laid awake
At 3am
Thinking of things I should
Or shouldn't have said
And I convince myself
I am numb
And I am dead
But when there's blood
Flowing from my legs
And I am starving
For his smile
It hurts like hell
But at least I'm feeling
something

Its only 8pm
And everything is just
So ******* awful,
You know?
My body hurts
My mind hurts
I can feel myself
Slipping away
And I don't think
They can pull me back
Not this time
Because life for me
Is an eclipse;
It is meant to be beautiful
But the reality is
The sun has gone from my life
And I cannot wait
For its return
The demons are back
And the angels have given up
I have stopped
Dreaming in colour.

He makes flowers grow in the tar filled parts of my lungs and they bloom ever more beautifully with every word that flows from his perfect lips. His heart is larger than his fists and it is so much more delicate, and every time it beats I feel myself smiling, he speaks such pretty words and his gospel voice calls out to me when I find myself slipping into places that scare me, he pulls me right back and keeps my feet on the ground without ever becoming a weight on my shoulders. I could stare into his eyes until the sun sets and if I could I would hold him until he doesn't feel so empty. A thousand words have passed since I met him and each is a small stitch that is repairing me, he has the power to unravel me but I don't think he will, no I don't think he would. Others will say he stole my heart like a thief but I know better, he reached into my ribcage and brought me back to life and only then did I let him take it. Treat it well, oh darling treat it well.

You are not the dust in the clothes never worn
You are the giggle in your mothers smile
You are not the rain in the autumn
You are the light in your best friends eyes
You are not the unfixable toy thrown to the trash
You are the soldier
Fighting demons within yourself
Darling do not think you are anything less than perfect
One day I hope you wake up
And realise you are so much more
Than background noise

One cut
Two cuts
Three cuts
Four
Come on now
Whats just one more?
Four cuts
Five cuts
And lastly
Six
Nothing bad
Its just a nick
Seven cuts
Eight cuts
Nine cuts
Ten
I have missed this
I last did it... when?
Cuts and scars
Across her legs
One day
I think
I'll wind up
**Dead.

And it hurts
Because there are people
In my life
Who are toxic
And they make me
Feel ill
And sad
But I cannot leave them
Because they are hurting too
And so if I go
I become their poison.
(Even if I was dying first)

(I) feel sad
A lot of the time
And I (have) so many
Doubts about whether
(To) bury my heart
Or (keep) it
With me
I am (trying) to decode
The echoes of myself
And I want to just
Give up.

I only write well
When the sorrow
Filling my body
Swarms to my
Fingertips
And seeps out
Onto this page
Or gripping a razor.
There are thousands
Of ways
To feel pain
But I know only two
On how to
Deal with it.

I counted
10 planes
Go past my window
In the last
6 minutes
I wish I was
Headed somewhere
Too.

11:11
I close my eyes
And as I do
Every night
I wish
To be far away
I wish
And I pray
And I bargain
And beg

11:12
I am still
Right
Here.

Hold on just a moment, dear. There's so much left to confess, and I digress, I do love you, but calm my love, we are naught but pebbles skimming across a surface before our short life and purpose is completed, and we do sink. I have recently seen, or rather, glanced briefly, at the innermost heart of hearts that lingers in every wandering soul, and I saw not comfort there, but black holes, consuming every dazzling star that got too close. So darling, I shall keep far away and remake myself without you and I should hope not to cut myself with your broken pieces. May the ocean carry you to a lost paradise of your own, where you shall both find and fix yourself. But I confess, I digress, my dear, I love you no less.

Just say the word
And I will give you an army
Of reasons
Why hating myself
Has always come so naturally

I hate that I don't have a gag reflex
Because I **** at calorie counting
And throwing up seems
So much the easier option

I feel like a stranger
In my own home
Because I live life believing
That I am the reason
One of our family members
Has gone from the world

I hate and fear that my father
Would not be proud
Of who I have become
And the thought scares me
More than any abysmal nightmare

I could go on
But I doubt
You would want to hear
What horrors unfold
In my mind
And all
My 6pm secrets

The days grew longer and the nights colder, and yet I still amounted to nothing more than the specks of dust gathering in the back of my mind that covers the memories I dare not look upon again. My eyes became weary and after several long years my smile was non-existent and it was almost as if it was never there. They tried to snap me back into a reality that I wanted no part of and I showed them that each time I swallowed yet another mouthful of tablets, but they never listened no matter how loud I cried. They think I am damaged and broken, they think they can fix me, but I have never been more whole nor seen so clearly. I alone see the world for what it really is; a wasteland, and I alone am the only one who understands that it is better to jump ino an early grave than be pushed in by the weight of sorrow, betrayal and heartache. If not now, when?

We're just a bunch of stupid kids. We pretend to know about love in the hopes that it will fill the gaping hole in our chests caused by the lead bullets of our parent's words or our friend's mockery. In truth we try to be mature and 'grown up' but we're not.  We're just 9 year olds stuck in a 15 year old body, trying to create a jigsaw but we've got missing pieces where our dreams should be and Reality has either hidden or destroyed all our aspirations that were so important when we were little. Now we're struggling through GCSE's and getting by solely on coffee to hide the lack of sleep, expected to decide our future when most of us can't even decide what to have for breakfast in the morning. I guess what I'm trying to say is...
We're just children.

It breaks my heart when I hear that you don't think you're beautiful, because darling, you are.  Let me explain... your hair is the colour of caramel and hot tea,  soft as silk and shimmering in the daylight as though it had been injected with the sun itself,  your eyes like the Caribbean Sea,  an alien blue that is more graceful than jewels and more lively than the tide, yet people will still be swept away in their beauty. You've got a smile like an angel that is more infectious than your laughter,  which sounds like bells and joy cascading from lips that are a gateway to every perfect word that escapes your lungs. You're beautiful in your body and how it looks as though it was hand crafted by God himself with all the grace of an artist.  A body that turns heads and hearts, making boys become putty in your hands. You are beautiful and elegant and you need to see that because I assure you, everyone else does.

My momma bought me some more of those pills
the ones that control my moods, keeping me sane
I only just opened them, took off the cap
didn't do anything, just swirled my finger around,
my thoughts consumed by the elegance of them,
the perfect roundness and sunshine yellow.
But then the dark thoughts came, like storm clouds,
as they always do around this time of the evening
and i heard them ask me, a hiss in my ear
now what on earth, could a girl like you do
with all of those
pretty
little
**pills

The words taste like metal on my tongue, rusted and grating across my teeth in the hopes it can force itself back down my throat where I will not have to speak again. The tears have dried on my cheeks and chin but the flowing doesn't stop, and I am creating waterfalls that cascade from my eyes and will sink through my skin and fill my until I drown within myself. My head staring at the floor  because I cannot look you in the eye anymore, not after what you have done time and time again, manipulating me more and more every time I foolishly let you back in my bloodstream, where you inject your poison into me and I am eaten away from the inside. Betrayal. Such an ugly word, yet the only one that comes to mind when I hear your name now, I used to think of things like wonderful, love, euphoria, but now there is only a fractured wishbone digging into my brain trying to bring me back to life whilst I pray for things to change, and go back to how they were before I loved you. But I have loved you and now I have learnt not to, cause and effect, ripples spreading out and out until they shimmer and sink.  You hurt me again and made my mother look at me with sad eyes and there is nothing more heartbreaking that her seeing me as a stranger, but things are okay now and I have pieced back together the fragments of what you so cruelly destroyed at my feet. I will not trust you again, I will not love you, I will not even breathe your name, lest some part of your essence nestles into my lungs as I try to exhale you. I will remove you with my tablets and the kind words of my loved ones and the warm embraces given to me, that are so much more temporary than yours. May the tide of your sorrow take you safely to a shoreline far away, and I pray that if our paths should cross again, I do not remember you and you do not remember me.

I have been running in circles
in my own mind,
chasing my tail, trying to grip
onto a reality that is slipping away
I do not know if what I am feeling
is anything other than an illusion.
Is this love? lust? or just another friendship
I stare too deeply into, in the small hopes
that it will give my life some meaning.
alas, whatever it is, i cannot let it grow,
for my words are a poison that will infect
even the strongest of people, should they choose
to expose even the smallest scar to me
It is a curse i must bear alone
I cannot let them in.

I know you and all your little antics, I know how you hesitate every time you go to say my name because the memories and guilt and feelings will roll off your tongue like the tide, and you are too crowded to let anyone else drown in the sweet sound of your voice. I know how you lie awake at night trying to piece together every shard from that mirror you broke when you were 9, and how nothing quite fits anymore, you have lost parts of your old self and your clumsy hands will break an imminent future because you know not what needs fixing and what just cannot be helped. I live in your every bated breath and am often reminded why it is such a wasteland, I know how your heart can turn colder than the cloud of air exhaled when you sigh and shake your head at the world around you. Do not think for one second I do not know you, because in the three years I have loved you we have shared secrets, stories, memories and love, yes, for a time, we shared love. But that is a time long since passed and now I reside in the marks on your skin where your father hit you, I inhale the smoke from your lungs caused by people blowing their blackened words down your throat and making you feel less like the crimson sunset you are and more like the rainy days. You are beautiful and I wish you could see that from my perspective, I wish you could see how your eyes reflect the colours of the ocean and I wish to be lost at sea, I wish you could know that I think your heart is a galaxy, not a black hole, so you need not worry about all my rusted parts chipping at you because your strong arms will bring these dead eyes back to life, like they have so often. I want you to know that you are perfect in my eyes, flawed, yes, but no less perfect. I want you to know I love you.

its a daily struggle
you don't wake up one day
and the pain is gone
you have to fight it away
every single time you breathe
and whilst doing that,
you also have to smile
because you can't let people know
just how helpless you are
you can't let people realize
that you're weak
because they'll use it against you
they always do
so you put on a brave face
and mock your own pain
in the hopes that it will throw them off
the scent of your bleeding body
and the truth is, in all honesty,
you need so much more help
that you let people understand.
you're taking painkillers
when your body doesn't hurt
which is ironic, because i suppose this means
you're sicker than you thought.

Hearts are dangerous things
and thats why our ribs
are cages

I am neither here nor there;
I am the dust forming
in the darkest parts of you
buried deep in the back of your mind
I am the rust covering
your broken heart
that once beat so eloquently  
I am the ship that never sailed;
left in the harbor to rot
because I was not as beautiful
or as elegant as the other boats
I am the lonely flower that is left
when all my bright and colourful friends
have been picked, and i am left
all alone, unwanted, and untouched
I am the broken grave in the church garden
that used to say 'gone but never forgotten'
Now I just read
**'forgotten'

do you really care or is this just another fabrication in a half dream that my mind has created to trick me into thinking there is something worth holding on to? Will you still be here in a month's time like you promised, or will you find an excuse to rid yourself of me and all my bruised parts? Are there stars in your eyes or are those the shimmering reflection of the sun in the water filling them? Will you hold me when i am frail or will you drop me when i weaken us both? You have been my best friend for quite some time now and my adoration for you runs deeper than these cuts and scars, the same ones you helped me overcome and prevent. It is also true that you have been the cause of some, on the nights where tension built and we sent hateful words to each other in a desperate attempt to rid ourselves of the hate and bitter hellfire in our hollow bodies. I do not yet know if this friendship will be my destruction or salvation, all that i can do is trust you as much as i can and hope that i have poured enough of myself into you, that you know the pain you would be causing if i am betrayed again. Maybe when i see you i should smile, but things are complicated and i cannot bring myself to even make my eyes look happy. I hope you understand this. I hope you know me and every atom of my self. I hope you like what you see.

it is nice to have a shoulder to cry on
it is even better when that shoulder
belongs to none other than you.
you, who chase away every storm cloud
that is forming behind my eyes
and bring a smile to my face
when no one else could
i am glad to have you back as my friend
it has been so long, and i have missed you
but understand that i do not want to be more
though the thought of you makes my heart stutter
i cannot handle letting anyone else in
i do not like feeling broken
and it is all i ever feel lately
When you speak, i grow wings
but they will only take me further
from the love you have for me.

Of course this would happen
When does it not
I let people in and I get hurt
I trust and am then shown
Why I should not
I know it was a party
I know you were drunk
But if you had even a speck
Of the love you claimed to have for me
That wouldn't have mattered
You would not have slept with her
And I would not be sitting here
With blood on my wrists
And tears on my cheeks
And a pounding headache
From crying so much
If love really exists,
It is my enemy.

he loves me,
he loves me not,
he loves me,
he loves me not.
petals fall
as do my tears
I know he does not love me
so why am i still
destroying flowers?

It is currently 1:13 am
I have tears on my pillow
From remembering you

                                   *I am not okay

the wolves howling at my door are baying for my blood and i cannot drive them away. screams pierce the morning air like shrieking bullet aimed for me, my eyes grow tired from lack of sleep and my stomach churns from the mere thought of last night's meal slowly digesting into more fat for people to **** and poke at. 6 cups of coffee later and i am no less awake nor any happier, my mother is in the kitchen making soup for work tomorrow and my brother still sleeps, lucky as he is, not to be plagued with nightmares that scream at him to wake up. Sitting downstairs in my pyjamas on the computer talking to people who can at least make me smile for a brief few seconds. Daring to draw in my notebook pictures of monsters that lurk under beds and between my sheets, whispering the same things that my mirror hisses at me when i look too far into the flaws lurking there. I look out the glass door in my living room and see a shadowed beast snarling at me from the patio, baring its teeth in anticipation for when it can finally draw blood, crush bones, and swallow my pale flesh, rendering me lifeless and stained with a darkness that has left marks on every indent on my skin. I bare my teeth back trying to scare the monster away, but she and i are one and she sees through my facade, knowing i am not as brave as i pretend. The sound of my dog barking draws me out of my haze and i bury my face into his golden fur, hoping that his sunlight coat will be enough to chase away whatever has nestled itself into my veins and capillaries. We stay like that for a few minutes, with silent tears warm on my cheeks, until i compose myself, finish off my coffee, and return to gazing at this screen where i type my confession.
I can still hear the wolves.

Inside my chest
There is a heart-shaped box

                                                   It is empty.

You were my first 'real' boyfriend
And it went well, for a time
But you pushed me beyond my limits
Made me do things I cannot forget
A small innocence lost
And trust impaired

You whispered such sweet things
Into my hungry ears
That craved a love I thought we shared
You whispered the same things
Into many ears
You were the angel I gew to hate

I buried myself
In every crevice of your being
And let you steal pieces of me
For 9 cruel months
In return for the 'love' you gave
We are both alone now
And no less sad

You are perfect
In every atom and fibre
But you came into my life
At a time where I lack  trust and compassion
We are both broken things
And by trying to put out our fires
We do fuel them
I want to love you

i miss being little
i miss my mum thinking
that every scribble i drew
was a masterpiece
I miss eating as much as i could
well... because I could
i miss coming home from school
with ***** hands from finger painting
I miss being able to talk to anyone
because i had confidence
(or was it naivety?)
i miss not being weighed down
by invisible chains that slowly drag me
towards an uncontrollable sadness
I miss being young
I miss being carefree
I miss being happy.

My heart is a wasteland
And you are the debris
So *******
And all your broken pieces
When I was lost and lonely
I reached out to you
And you left me stranded
I was created in fires
That burned hotter than hell
But your love made me know
What real torture was
But I did not cry out
And I suppose thats when life
Assumed I consented to the pain
And that was when you knew
That you were under my skin
And in my veins
No matter how deep I cut
Or how often I cry
There is no getting you out
I hope you choke on the ashes
That were once my beautiful flames.

why is it so ******* hard to get over you?
I went on my friends facebook account
just for ***** and giggles
because she was on mine
and i found myself on your profile
with tears filling my eyes
because you are perfectly fine
without me
And here i am
barely holding myself together
I won't dare say you're happy
I know you are not
but you're a lot better off
than me.

i hate you
I do, i hate you so much
for what you did to me
but I miss you,
or rather, the idea of you
I miss our late night talks
I miss our good days
how we would fall asleep together
and it would be a blissful silence
but we had to go and mess it all up
didn't we?
Things won't ever be the same
i can't even look at you now
not now, not after what you did
and it hurts because, despite everything
despite the arguments, and bickering
and tears that i shed
I would take you back in a heartbeat
if you hadn't have done that
my friends think i was crazy for loving you
but ours was a crazy love story
and i am sorry that you became
the reason that it ended.

look at the world around you
look at the way the birds of the morning
sing the same sweet melody every day
look at how the wind can bend the trees
but never do they bow to it
breathe in the atmosphere and the air
polluted it may be, it holds everything you need
marvel at how easily breathing comes to you
even when you feel you cannot
look at the way the sun never fails to rise
and the stars appear in different places each night
be awed by the constant rotation of Earth
and the way we do not notice how it turns
look at the animals, the fox that creeps into your garden
and the deer that runs from the wolves in the forest
feel the rain pounding against your skin
every drop lasting only a mere few seconds
before it's short life is over and purpose is gone
but the storms never stop being beautiful
and the rain both cleanses and creates
new life is being formed every second
all the atoms are working together
in perfect unison
Look at this world, really look.
Isn't it remarkable?

I'm leaving dents in my palms
where my nails are digging in
i guess i'm just trying
to get this darkness out of my skin
marks on my pale legs
from scars made long ago
I've been wandering around for ages
spending this year as a ghost
I learnt that love is for children
and I am all grown now
people have poisoned my chalice
bestowed to me my thorn crown
I don't know where I am going
does it matter where i've been?
Roads leading nowhere
but palaces of sin
should i stay?
should i go?
i wish these monsters
would leave me alone.

I am sorry, so sorry
To have hurt you like this
I wish my life were brighter
So that I would not be so afraid
Of letting you become a part of it
But life for me is a scorching desert
That would put hell's brightest embers to shame
And my heart is crippled and bleeding
From what he did to me
I have been shattered into so many shards
I cannot let you come any closer
Lest you cut yourself on my broken pieces.

there are ghosts in these walls
and they whisper such sweet things
but only late at night
when lucifer crawls from the shadows
and beckons me closer to hell
i would like to tell you it is all a nightmare
but morning comes and greets me
and i am stood on a cliff edge.

did I jump? or did these ghosts push my frail body
down to the chasm of hellfire below?
I can't quite remember anymore
it's been a while since those ghosts spoke to me

Storm clouds above my head
lords know i've been here
a thousand different times
trying to piece together
fragments of a bitter life
and a bitter past
that doesn't quite make sense to me
I can hear the rain and it falls hard
but dawn will come soon
and perhaps i will be made anew
and live the remainder of my days
content and happy
but perhaps i will fade to nothing
and live in the lands of eternal youth
and eternal beauty
the sun's coming up
the rain has stopped.

every 'beautiful' blazing comet
and 'glorious' shooting star
that you wish upon
in the hopes to save yourself
is nothing more
than a dead, or dying, planet
left among the debris
of the universe
It cannot save you

                                           

               ­                                  *do not
                                                             ­ wish
                                                                ­       on me.

I am 10 and the things said to me
again and again are like bullets
in my gut, and punches to my head
they tell me 'its your fault your dad died'
but my friend still turns to me and says
'god, you're so perfect'
I am 12 and these things are still being said
but now by different people, infact,
they are being said by the boy I used to care for
funny that, i thought he cared too

I am 13 and my eyes are bloodshot
and the ****** tissues on my bed
from the state of my wrists
lay scattered in pieces, much like my life
and the next day my friend asks
'why are you so perfect Georgia?'
but she hasn't seen my wrists yet
and she doesn't know about how many tablets
i've taken in one night
just to escape this so-called "perfection"

Now I am 14 and while my friends are out
having a laugh and making memories
I am sitting at home with an elastic band
tied around my wrist, so i keep pinging it
because people started to comment on the state
of my wrists, and legs, and stomach
and I couldn't bear any more mockery
But I'm on pills now, every morning
to control these urges to rid myself
My friend, naive is she, still messages me
saying 'I want to be as perfect as you'
No darling, you do not want this
whatever this may be,
it is not perfection
what sort of perfection
kills you from the inside?