Do not tell me you love me
or that you need me
in order to get what you want
after all, what could I possibly
give to you
that you would not otherwise take
by force?

follow my instructions my dear
i promise, if you are hurting
this will not ail you further
and i can only hope
it will diminish your pain

breathe, darling, breathe
inhale, exhale
let the soothing coolness of life
fill your lungs and cleanse you
inhale, exhale,
that's it
you've got this

Now listen my love
I know things are tough right now
and you may not feel up to much
thats fine, i promise, its fine
just relax and let the air
take away a little part of your pain
inhale, exhale
breathe, darling, breathe

you can do this
just keep breathing
my dearest love,
keep breathing.

You are the vulture above me
waiting until my limp carcass
hits the dusty floor
before you make your move
and tear away at me,
like you have so many others

you are the grizzly bear
lashing with your claws at me
trying to knock me to the ground
so you can take me down
and make your next ****

you are the hunter, the poacher
searching the woods and forests
for any sign of me, any traces
of my blood left behind
from the bullet in my side
left by your murderous gun

I am your prey
and you never lose a scent.

I miss you
No, you don't
You miss my words,
and how they made you feel
like you could live happily
You do not miss me

I have decided
I know what you're debating
I have told you not to, many times
Each time you ask for my help
and for 3 long years I tried to help
but it is not my job to save you

I want to die
I know you feel that way, I know
but tell your girlfriend, friends,
better yet, tell your therapist
Not I, who you left at the side of the road
with a broken and confused heart
Do not ask me to fix you

Oh, so you've moved on then?
I rebuilt my life without you,
as I saw you rebuilding yours
But you came crawling back
when I was finally happy
And you tried to creep your way
back into my veins
I washed you out with the tears I shed

It is not my job to save you,
and you made that quite clear to me
when you told me you no longer loved me
do not say you miss me now that I am gone
do not try to tear me away from my new love
the one who holds me when you do this

You are breaking me, and stealing parts of me
in order to fix yourself

It's half 7 in the morning
and the shadow of night
is still gripping desperately onto the earth
not yet willing to be replaced with the sun
Darkness floods my window
yet I am still sitting here, fully dressed for school
hair done and makeup finished
does this mean I am finally organized,
does this mean I am in control at last?
Or does this just mean that I am sick
of my brain picturing scenarios in my head
that make my eyes brim with tears
and would make men of stone weep?
I believe that I am not awake, not fully,
part of me clings to sleep, the part of me
that shies away from the stress of school, and life
and in all honesty, I would much rather
be dreaming.

tucked into the safety of your arms
held against your chest in a blissful silence
is this what heaven is? it must be,
for if it is not, I want no part in it.
Your hand strokes my back
and sleep creeps ever closer
my eyes are closing and I await the nightmares
that have plagued me for so long
but I awake some time after
in no cold sweat, no scream echoing from my lips
you're looking at me with eyes that hold such love;
I never thought anyone could look at me like that
a smile plays on your mouth, and its infectious joy
sends a thrill through me and a giggle rolls of my tongue
Your heartbeat was a steady drum that sent me to sleep
and your love was a warrior that chased away
all of the demons that crawl onto my shoulder
when sleep settles and vulnerability encloses me
I never knew a person could feel like home
but you are the only shelter i have ever felt
from this agonizing storm inside of me
I beg you, your beautiful love for me
has returned the light to my eyes and my life
Please stay?
I know you will
I know you will.

There is a solitary loneliness
to every burning star
and the sky can only ever truly illuminate
when they come together in their solitude
every black hole, every meteorite,
all the discarded planets, and all
of the burning stars
together, in complete unison
with the cosmos, and all it's galaxies
Universes within universes
all working together
the sun and the moons and every lonely comet
turning and clashing in complete order
that is when the night sky
looks brighter than ever
that is when the stars
shine their brightest.

If i wrote a story, it would be a tragedy. But it would not be about the blood that flows from my legs at night when my mother thinks im sleeping. It would not be about the days wasted crying because no one could hear me when i broke. It would not include the story of two 3 year olds who lost a loving father they barely had enough time to know, or a loving wife who had the light of her life taken by the forces of death. It would not be about the darkness that engulfed my friend, who then became the darkness, and bled away into the shadows to join the ghosts that called so softly to him, he could not resist. It would not be a story of the girl who took over 100 tablets in 3 days because of a boy she loved who told her to do it, and the pressures weighing on her shoulders were pushing her into an early grave. It would not be the tragedy of her survival and the continuous pain and shame that she endures to this day. No. my story would be about the futility of life's arrangement and how the world around us is crumbling to dust and we are doing nothing. It would be about the thousands who are starving and crying who no one seems to give a **** about because they're the 'minorities'. It would be about life's cycle with death, and how so many are ripped from loving families before their time because the universe works in cruel ways, and -if there is a god- he or she is moving chess pieces across their board and watching them crumble. My story would be about the skilled children and poets that no one has heard of because, as everyone knows "its not cool to write poetry" . My tragedy would be about the injustice of law and how those in love are denied being bound to one another because they are of the same ***. It would be about the millions lost to wars that history repeats again and again and again over new, yet just as trivial things. This is not my tragedy. This is everyone's.

I am making bargains with the universe
I say a silent prayer to nothing and no one
I say, please, take their pain away
I will carry all their burdens if only they don't have to
please, universe, there is so much sorrow
we are surrounded by gravestones of those
that were crushed under the weight of self conflict
fighting against the sadness to be happy
please, let me take their pain
I am used to pain, I have room for more
just let them be happy
I cannot bear for another friend lost
I cannot bear another gravestone.

The embers died and I extinguished every burning flame with my breath
The fire inside me glowed so brightly I could not see,
and the flickering candle-lit lanterns of my eyes brimmed with water
and the roaring blaze inside me died
I inhaled smoke trying to reignite what once thrived
my nicotine lips smelt like ash and my heart was a burnt out cinder
I washed the smell of smoke from my fingertips
the same fingertips that fires used to lick and nibble,
caressing the skin that held a furnace within
Nothing but smoke and ash left inside me now
And blackened lungs from years of fueling the very object that would be my demise
I drowned in a flood created by my own weak self
it washed away my sins, yes, but I was made entirely of sins
and now I am a hollowed out shell of the bonfire I used to be
I was engulfed in a shower of tears that diminished the essence of my being
Now I am nothing but ash and cigarette smoke.

Don't you try to turn this on me
I was there for you when no one else was
I held your hand as you walked through flames
And I dove into an abyss to save you from yourself
I was there for you for 4 years until you moved school
I tried to talk to you all summer but you never even bothered to reply
I tried to hold you closer as you pulled away
But you were too strong for me, alas, now I am stronger
you severed the ties between us, not I,
I was tying knots trying to repair what you broke
Don't act like I wasn't there for you, I am not the criminal
I tried my hardest to be your best friend but you had others
I had no one
Now you're gone saying you're the only one hurting, no
You only cried when I gave you back the knife you've been stabbing my back with for years
*I hurt too.

the pain comes and goes. It is an ocean of emotions and it draws back, folding in on itself, and just when I think i am free of it, a tidal wave of torment smothers me and drags me beneath it's depths. I am suffocating beneath the waves of my self-torture, drowning amidst an ocean of others feeling the same, yet still somehow, terribly, terrifyingly, alone. The darkness almost swallows me and I cannot breathe, I cannot see, I can only move my arms frantically and hope I am swimming towards the surface. Surrounded by the debris that is my life as the tidal surge covers all i hold dear and drags it into open water. And just as I think that the crushing weight is leaving me and I am finally free of all life's misery, the ocean spits me onto its surface like I am a pebble it cannot swallow, but the relief only lasts a few brief minutes before the tsunami of guilt and terror flood the canals of my veins and scatter my bones throughout its abyss. Thus the process repeats and i succumb to the flood once more. all the while wishing it would just end. Wishing I could sink and become part of the sea bed, where I will gently move with the ebb and flow of the tide, rather than try to fight it and be overwhelmed with the force of its devastation. And in the words of a song that my water-filled lungs cry out to;
Do i sink, or swim, or simply disappear?

10,20,30 tablets
down, down my throat
Alice falling down the hole
row, row your boat
way into the darkness
where heaven may reside
40 crying people
that i left behind
mourners everywhere dressed in black
a coffin just for me
sobs thunder, lightning cracks
who knew that they would grieve
family is torn apart
brothers and mothers now frail
those who loved you, broken hearts
can you hear your friends wail?
an angel now, looking down
seeing what chaos you've brought
14 years old in a flower crown
you're an angel, but you're distraught
5 years later, your mother still cries
and your friends still blame themselves
you want to scream 'it was I who died!
i swear you couldn't have helped'
but they can't hear you, you're a ghost
a phantom weeping with them
but one thing you regret the most
you're the one who let this happen
14 years old, flower crown
Heavens' not that great
you don't smile, you just frown
at a choice you can't erase.

We always used to play cowboys
take 5 steps in each direction
count down, then shoot, or give in
5...4...3...2...1..
BANG!
i'd always lose
but only because you never surrendered
and now its 6 years later
we've endured arguments
and also shared love
but now, on this day
you're 10 feet away from me
with your back turned
and your hand in your pocket
but the real question isn't why
the question is
what are you holding
the white flag of surrender
or the gun you aim for me?

I refuse to be defined
by a letter, or a grade
that belongs to a system
that, in turn, belongs to a government
that cannot even house its homeless
or protect its citizens
I will not be told
that i cannot be what i want
because my Maths grade was a D
or I didn't take the right subjects
I will not succumb
to the pressures of school
and the ever-increasing weight
that this country thrusts upon my shoulders
I'm 14 for heavens sake
how can i possibly decide
what I want to spend the rest of my miserable life
partaking in for minimum wage?
I would rather be a hermit
and live in the forests, like in my favourite books
away from the corrupt people
dictating my life without my consent
We are slaves to a system
that we do not understand.

wrap me up in your embrace
kiss a smile onto my face
hold me close, don't let go
i cannot handle being alone
make me hot chocolate, warm me up
pour it into my favourite cup
whisper I love you in my ear
it's just for me, no one else can hear
play a film, put on our show
laugh with me, watch our love grow
hold my hand, cuddle me tight
ignite that spark you bring to my life
bring me closer, listen to my heart
I hope to heaven we'll never part.

when you run your fingers across my skin
be careful
for I have spent many sleepless nights
stitching myself back together
when people's words cut through me like daggers

and when you brush your lips against mine
be careful
I have so often bled venom from this mouth in my words
And I would hate for you to taste its sting

When you wipe the tear from the corner of my eye
be careful
It is not the last I will shed, there are many more
pricking at my eyelids, itching to be released

When you declare 'I love you' to me
be careful
I have heard it many times, none of which were true
If i hesitate saying it back, know that it is my lack of trust
not your lack of love for me

And when you hold me in your arms
be careful
I am all too likely to shatter, I am but a fragile thing
A bird, if you will; Hold me too tightly
and my little wings will break, hold me too loosely
and I will take flight for fear that pain will follow.

we grew up surrounded
by boys who taste like *****
and smell like cigars
or girls with too many playthings
and not enough decency
we grew up thinking that
no one will ever fall in love with us
because lust is often mistaken for a connection
and there are only words to get what you want
we grew up with empty bottles
and broken hearts
because love? Love is great when it lasts;
but it never lasts.

I am always
The punching bag
the shoulder to cry on
the comforter
the listener
the talker
the 'here to make things better'er
the one to poke fun at
just to make yourself feel big
I'm here to talk you out of suicide
to make sure you wake up tomorrow
to ensure your happiness
even if i must sacrifice my own
I'm here to clear the darkness
from behind your eyes
but its my light that now fills you
I have been depleted of something more
I am something to go to
when you need someone
or need to feel
I'm not considered a person anymore.

Hands on the steering wheel
normal day, normal life
I'm not smiling but I'm not crying either
normal, normal,
nothing out of place
then my hands tighten
as the car swerves to the side
I've lost control
On the open road
driving, driving, driving
SLAM
the car flips
Collision, collision
but what with?
Nothing out here on this road
just me, just driving
Now I am laying on the ground
blood pouring from my wounds
the burning wreckage to my right
and Death standing to my left
looking at me with hollow eyes
that were somehow piteous
You lost control he says
And I did, I did
The car's a mess
I can't go home now
So I take Death's outstretched hand
And we walk this road together
lonely road, lonely road
a straight road with nothing but dust and gravel
I lost control, I lost control

Some die under the mountain
just looking for gold
some die looking
for a hand to hold
some die alone
with drinks and drugs
some die in the moment
they die too young
some aren't even born
however, however
some don't die at all
legends live forever.

Did it hurt when you walked in
and saw your lover
and your friend
in the bed that you had pledged
silent promises to one another in
Did it hurt when your mother called
and told you that something happened
and you need to get home right now
because your sibling isn't okay
Did it hurt when your first pet
took its last breath
and you couldn't cry
because it hadn't hit you yet
that death came so quickly
Did it hurt when you fell from grace
Did you bruise?
Sometimes it hurts enough to make you weep
But I didn't weep
Did you?

You died and left me with a rotten present
The car you stepped in front of
took more than your life
it took everything I lived for
And I tried to join you in heaven
When they asked me why
I just said that I felt closer to you
when I was dying
Than I ever did in life
I've been writing poems about you lately
About that day, and what happened
but in the end you make it home
So I guess you wouldn't like them.

I am as unpredictable as the ocean, I can turn on you in an instance with no cause or reason. My heart often lacks enough trust to hold a conversation and my eyes grow weary when exposed to too much sorrow. If i could take a thousand needles and press them into the palms of my hands to feel something, I would, but for now I am just numb. And with the numbness comes a dire sense that my life is slipping through my fingertips like sand and I can do nothing more but watch it as it crumbles.
I hate every inch of myself of late, from the roots of my hair to my little toe. I hate all that is inside me, including the stardust in my bones and the ***** blood sweeping through me, this heart beats but it's broken and it has no rhythm; It is an old truck worn from years of hard use and I fear it will give out soon, I cannot re-fuel myself, I cannot re-make myself. I can only sit in silence and smile to my peers to make them think that I will get through this.
But their whispers I can hear, and they know I will not.

I can smell you on my clothes
and taste you on my lips
I will never forget the feel
of your hands on my hips
I remember how you smiled
and you looked so filled with light
But i also remember your sadness
that stole fragments from your life
the sadness took you from me
and blackened your beautiful heart
It was stronger than my voice
Calling out to you from the dark
the sadness finally ended
but so did your gasps for breath
I will love you better now
but it does not reverse your death.

every single day
terrible things happen
to good people
coincidentally
I am not a good person
I am one of the terrible things.

i dont want to die tonight
dont let me
dont let me dont let me
i dont want to go
there are beautiful things here
i dont want to die
but i do
oh how i do
to escape the inevitable before my time
we all die in the end
let me die
let me die let me die
no no no no  no
dont let me die
i dont want that
what will my mother say?
is there even a heaven?
i dont think so
i used to believe in God
until he stopped believing in me.

I didn't mean to
I didn't want any new scars
what have i done?
I thought i had finished the days
where i would harm my skin
putting blade to flesh
in a frantic attempt to feel
but i was getting better
i was good, happy
why did i do it?
i let them down
i let him down
i promised
i... i'm so sorry
im so sorry

i was so lonely before you
i was lost and broken
and untrusting due to how he hurt me
but you healed the pain
with kind words and loving embraces
(the ones he never gave me)
you made me laugh
when i didn't want to smile
and stopped me crying
when i wanted to create new scars
you are a blessing to my life right now
I hope you stay
*(please stay)

my chest is suffocating me
I cannot even gasp for breath
due to the chasm of empty inside my ribcage
a black hole that vacuums up any emotion
i am devoid of passion now
and the joy i once felt
has long since fallen behind
as i ran from my fears and doubts
my memory is full
of promises shrouded in pain
and lies tied with satin bows
masking the poison they contain,
that, in time, will surely be my undoing
I have told myself so often
do not trust, do not befriend those
who have the power to hurt you
and each time i do
and each time i regret it
and recall the reason why i should not.

they marked her gravestone
with the words
'beloved friend and daughter'
really? is that all she gets?
beloved?
she was not just beloved
she was as graceful as the pond lilies
and the light in her eyes
put the supernovas to shame
her hair was the colour
of the whiskey she drank
and it cascaded down her back
like a waterfall
her kindness touched people
like a healing remedy
her good heart made priests blush
and her joyous attitude
was infectious
She was too young to die
and too innocent to go like she did
And all she gets is beloved?
She was so much more than that.

Whatever took him away from us
be it Gods or the Universe
i pray you, give him back
My mother told me how they used to dance
to old records, drinking coffee
from stained cups
she told me of the light that he brought
into a room and into her life
and the light that faded
when he was ripped from us
She told me how he loved us,
me, my twin and even a daughter not his
she told me that he loved us
and i never got the chance
to let him know i loved him also
so i pray you, Gods, and the Universe
please bring us back my father
bring us back a loving husband
and a kind and adored friend
bring him *home.

I am a skeleton
carrying this dead weight
of a foul carcass
my brain isn't functioning so well
I'm forgetting things
I can't really see straight
I think the neighbours are plotting something
The wasps in my mind
are buzzing buzzing  buzzing
stinging angrily at the memories
i have been repressing
for so many long, tired, years
and it hurts
I am a skeleton
I am a carcass

you're filling the spaces
between my fingers
where his hands
used to reside
and i see your smile
instead of his
when i close my eyes
i dont know if this will last
(I hope it will)
but i do know
that you make me happy
and i can't thank you enough
for that

sitting in the sick bay
I just want to go home
shivering from a non existent cold
feeling queasy but not because i'm ill,
no, its the quaking fear i feel
the numbing pain coursing through me
my friend walks in
and i return to my 'ill' facade
he asks what's wrong
and i look at him with teary eyes
from thinking about death again
and I tell him
Oh i just don't want to be here today
and we both know what i mean
by that.

I cried an island into the sea
that day you said goodbye
the waves crashed and threw themselves
against the shoreline in a fury
at the audacity of what you did
the water spilled through the streets
and washed away the homes
of all our bitter memories,
they were swept to sea
and drowned amidst the ocean
where i could no longer see them
and i could no longer feel
i cried an island into the sea
because i drowned in a sorrow
that you caused.

they asked me if i was depressed
and i said no
because thats what they wanted to hear
He asked me if I had moved on
and i said yes
because that was what he needed to hear
she asked if i was okay
and i said no
but that wasn't what she chose to hear
and after a while
I cried for help
but no one was there to hear.

Losing a father
isn't like having your pet die
you don't just grieve
and then get over it
you get home
and your house smells of death
and there is an absence
in your heart, in your life
that cannot be filled by anything
Losing a father
especially like I did,
when I was so young
i was old enough to remember him
but not old enough
to have any amazing memories with him
I lost a father
and I feel that loss
every **** day
its an ache in my chest
its an empty void, a chasm,
in my bleak life
I lost a father to death
and the pain will stay
until I am lost to death, too.

It didn't matter
about my cries that echoed
throughout the woods
that he took me to
it didn't matter
about the screams
that escaped my lips
or the tears streaming
down my face
as he took my innocence
after all, I asked for it
didn't I?

my skirt was too short
too much skin exposed
I didn't call the police straight away
It didn't matter
that he was at least 30
and I was still a teenager
It didn't matter
that I began to walk faster
and then so did he
after all, I asked for it
didn't I?

Because thats what they told me
my friends turned their backs on me
strangers spat in my face
my family shunned me
I was *****
but it doesn't matter
*After all, I asked for it
didn't I?

The worst thing
about losing you
wasn't the fact that
I had lost someone I loved
(though that was an awful ordeal, too)
it was that
I lost my best friend
I lost the person I could confide in,
cry to; cry about
the strings holding me together
came loose and unraveled
as you walked out of my life
and into hers
I have great friends, yes
but none quite like you
Alas, you're gone now
and the hole you left
may be filled in time
by new friends
who won't leave
without warning
who won't leave
at all.

This dead weight
on my feeble shoulders
is getting lighter
gradually, day by day
the pain is easing up
I know it will never
be entirely gone
but its a nice thought
that less than a year ago
I was the titan Atlas
Holding up the weight
of the sky, of the world
and now, someone has come along
and shared my burden
and slowly, very slowly
we are lifting it
lifting my burden
up and away from me
My burden is lighter
my eyes are lighter
my heart is lighter
the pain is going
At last.

I don't know how it happened
It was a rapid, painful experience
to know that less than a week ago
we were declaring 'I love you's'
after 9 months of bliss
and now, it's all gone
You have replaced me
and I won't lie, she seems lovely
But you won't find another me
Whilst I, well...
Hopefully I will find a better you.

The demons lurking
Beneath her surface
Could not be killed
By the painkillers
That she took daily
Nor could they escape
Through the deep marks
That laced her wrists and thighs
They could not be drowned
Amidst the ocean of tears
That shone on her face
When the silence settled
And though she fought bravely
What is one frightened knight?
Against an immortal army
Made of darkness and blood
She had won many battles
But from the first day of suffering
She knew she had lost
The war.

believe me darling
I do want
to love you
but
i
just
can't.

Nothing changes
The people still fight
over wars lost long ago
the teenagers still walk
with limps in their step
and scars on their wrists
the hopeful still talk
about euphoria long gone
Hearts still break and bleed
just the same as they did
when a human heart could first feel
the dogs still fight with cats
and dig up bones
they had buried in the past
nothing changes
the girl still weeps
about a life she's lost control of
the boy still chases
a girl who tastes like cigarettes
we still die
we still mourn the same lost things
nothing changes
*nothing changes.