why?

you are so ridiculous. you think i ******* leave you purposely? you try living in my ******* world for once. most of the time when you text me, im in TEARS.
1. i have asked for honesty
2. i have asked for being straight up
3. i have been here for you
4. i have calmed you down
5. i have saved you some times
6. i have always answered you when i was capable of doing so
7. i have stayed up with you
8. i have cried with you
9. i have bled for you
10. i have panicked for you
11. i have ******* worried countless of days and nights hoping you were okay
12. i have talked you out of ****
13. i have called you numerous times to make sure you were okay
14. i have been honest with you
15. i have ******* been there for you when you werent even here for me
16. i have exhausted all of my ******* energy into you
17. i have told you to wear your seatbelt bc somebody loves you
18. i have gotten in trouble for you
19. i had my hopes up for you to come here and you never did
20. i have asked nicely and REPEATEDLY for nicole to get the **** out of this
21. i have done SO MUCH FOR YOU. And this is the **** i get. this is the ****. this ******* list can go on for HOURS. i have BEGGED you to love me. i have BEGGED you to comfort me. to listen to me. to trust me. to be HONEST with me. im laughing because i guess i just wasnt ******* enough for you. i was not ******* enough. you know, i would have ******* died for you. and i guess in a lot of ways i did.

so dont you ******* dare tell me that im not trustworthy because i have been here for you since day one. and you have the nerve. and dont turn this **** on me when you're the one who turns your back and blames me for the **** you do.

why couldnt you cut her out of your life in the dating way? that is all i have ever asked for. and you know that. you know just as much as everyone else that i knew you were lying when you said you weren't with her. do you know how many nights i spent trying to drown myself or cut myself or swallow pills JUST because you told me you were killing yourself? i DESTROYED my insides for you. i destroyed my social attitude because you were all i focused on. you you you you. always you.
"is he okay? where is he? is he eating? is he sleeping? is he breathing??"

you. it was always ******* you. i lost friends over you. i lost my sanity over you. i went insane looking for you among the faces i saw daily. every ******* time we went somewhere i would look at all the houses and say to my dad driving our car "is he here? what about that house? dad pull over i think i saw someone who looks like him".

you know what. i just cant do this anymore. i have been here and there and this has happened and that has happened and the list just goes on and on. obviously she is hella important otherwise you would not be arguing with me right now. you would accept that you ****** up and move on. but yet you continue to fight me when we we both know you were wrong. you should have left her. i dont care if y'all are dating or not. **** happens. im okay with that. im just done showing that I care because once AGAIN, it all.goes.to.****.

im done fighting the same losing battle with you. you're bio. her bio. your life. her life. your relationship. her relationship. dont i matter? dont i count? where do i come in? yeah we had a good ******* time. but i died for you in so many ways. i really did. and you were so oblivious to it. i looked at you like you put the stars in my sky. now my sky is dark. there is nothing left and it is a shame. because im not happy. and neither are you. we never work out. we always fight. we always end up hurting each other. you have her. you love her- and dont even tell me you dont. i let myself get my hopes up too often. and they all just come crashing down. but that is okay.

because i know what we are,
and i know what we are not.

{m.j.}

I think I loved you most the winter your heating was broken
And we’d stay inside all morning
Pretending to complain that we couldn’t get out of bed
Our clothes becoming little islands on the floor,
Ones that we could not quite find the courage to visit

Your hand stayed glued to my hip,
Your breath warming my shoulder
Like a long drag of whiskey
That kind that had a home so far away,
In a glass bottle on top of your refrigerator.
The one that would not be opened
Until that fateful day in February,
When everything went wrong

And on that unbearable night
When you joked that you’d freeze to death if I left you
There was a long silence
Like it might be true.

Now it’s warm enough
That I show too much skin when sitting in bars
And you avoid me like the plague,
Whispering in any girl’s ear that’s near to you
Every time you see me watching out of the corner of your eye

We should have stayed inside when the ice began to melt
Because I think
When those doors opened and we finally ventured outside
The world had changed,
And so had you and I.

I told her there was very little of me left to love,
and with glassy blue-green eyes she replied
*There is enough

he likes neck kisses and being called "sweetheart."
he drinks milk when he eats peanut butter,
offer to pour it for him.
he loves pugs and his dog, ******.
if you're not best friends with ****** by the first month,
you're doing something wrong.
when he tells you you're beautiful,
it is easier to just agree.
when he takes you home,
allow plenty of time to say goodnight (he takes forever).
he hates crunchy peanut butter.  
he'll give you his jackets and hug you until you stop crying.
if you watch lord of the rings with him, bring kleenex.
know and understand star wars references or you're *******.
he is an incredible writer.
he'll buy you lots of things for christmas,
do not try to compensate.

if he isn't the best boyfriend you've ever had,
you're not giving him enough credit.
love him, he deserves it.

and i kinda hope you never exist,
because i'm not done loving him yet
and i don't think i ever will be.

so I thought I might tell you
that my left currently bears
a disappearing crescent of ouch
and three diamonds

or that my right
tends to drift
to the back of my neck
when I'm trying to remember

or that they both stop and start
over these letters
right now,

not sure what to say.

trees are poems the earth writes
and the sky is the empty canvas
which is also filled with sadness
and happiness
and we cut the trees down,
ruining the artwork of the earth
and we are so inconsiderate
because we use the paper made from
those trees to write down our own
tragedies.

*-how awful of us to be that selfish as to ruin the only thing that earth can claim to be art

PLEASE TOUCH ME I AM CRACKED AND I NEED MENDING YOUR HANDS ARE THE SUPERGLUE I NEED AND YOUR WORDS ARE THE STITCHES