i am so sick
of feeling my own soggy brain
drag itself in circles
around the same old ****
i am so sick
of caring about people
who want nothing to do with me
i am so sick
of trying
and trying
and trying
keeping myself alive
for a fantasy
a joke of a life
that i'll never acheive
i am so incredibly sick
of pretending to be okay
so i can be there for the people around me

we're not friends
what we are is a joke
just a pair of kids
playing some ****** up game
where i try and try and try
and you give nothing back
when have i ever not been there for you?
have i not been good enough for you?
because even now
im sitting here
thinking about deleting this
because i know itll hurt your feelings
and *******
i love you
and i cant stop loving you
believe me
ive tried
so sure
go **** yourself
because nobody cares
nobody important at least

i am a person
built out of lies
look close and you'll see
the decaying of my mind
years of my own mediocrity
has put a fog over my eyes

i'm nothing special
nothing big, nothing great
i'm not even good
i'm something to hate

up and down
and up
and down

it'll stay that way
for a long time

the up and down
the dark water

coming up
rising high
crashing down
suffocating
then relief, again
briefly
for a moment
air
space
wide, open space
the nothing
before the roll and crash
of another wave

yes, it'll be like that
for good long while
maybe forever, even

speaking of summer nights
reminds me of warm skin under dark skies
when dreams float heavy in our eyes
connecting your mind to mine
keeping my heart in line

its not that i don't love you
(although i really don't)
it's that i can't keep hating myself for you
i cant keep saying im sorry