I’ve already promised myself that nothing will stop me from being exactly who I want to be in 2014, as cliche as it sounds. fake friends and drama can kiss my *** because there is no need for the added stress. I’m going to make my grades better than they already are and hopefully pull myself up to at least a 3.2 GPA. I’m going to get into college when the time comes and I’m going to actually get somewhere in the world. a few months ago if you were to ask me what I wanted to do, I’d say I had no idea. but recently I’ve found the drive inside myself to make something of this thing we’re living called “life”. I refuse to live under anyone else’s standards. I will not live to please anyone else except myself. it sounds so selfish, it really does, but really, the only satisfaction a human being needs is the satisfaction of one’s self. nobody can expect another person to make another one happy, it just doesn’t happen that way. so starting tonight at 12:00, I am going to be focusing on me and my own life, rather than everyone else’s.

i really don't know anymore.
these feelings lately have consumed me and put me in the mindset that all i'm doing to myself is simply screaming deeper and deeper into the depths of the ignorant darkness.  nobody can hear me. the louder my screams become, the more engulfed i become in the sea of eternal darkness, the sea of eternal darkness that has no shoreline. the sea of eternal darkness that no ocean liner dares to trek across.  screams can't be heard from the bottom of the ocean.  the ocean doesn't know it's swallowing you. the darkness doesn't know you want to let the light in.
wake up wake up wake up wake up
my body aches my head hurts my hands have blood on them
my legs are shaking my torso is cut a little bit too deep
my eyes are bloodshot my heart is at my feet
why did this happen why did it happen to me why did you do it why why why why
why did you have to hurt me why did you have to send that bullet straight through my ******* heart why did you have to make me feel worthless
who are you why did you have to do this to me
the sun isn't shining any longer my life is almo

i can't tell which is more breathtaking, the fire in the sky or the one in your eyes.
the clouds suspended over the horizon were turning deep purple mixed with a bit of blue and orange.  it was one of the fall sunsets where everything is completely still as the clouds slowly dance in the sky above you. the reflection of them draped over my chocolate eyes as i was focused on your every movement.  my palm lightly floating over yours, our shadows growing as the sun departed.  i listen to you slowly but steadily breathing, still observing you with critical detail. you turned your neck slowly and your eyes traveled up to lock onto mine.  a slight chill traveled up my spine, i can't even look at you without being startled; you're just so beautiful. so rare and so fragile.  by now, the sun has hidden itself from us behind the peaks right near those steep cliffs we love so much.  in the back of my head, i had a song playing - "crystal" by two door cinema club.  i decided to follow the direction of the lyric "i left you on that street, your shadow at your feet, i should've kissed you".  i couldn't look at you without wanting to inch my lips closer and closer to yours.  i eventually had grown close enough to feel your breath on me for only a few moments, as i couldn't hold myself back any longer. you pulled me closer to you, wrapped your arms around me, and pressed your soft lips against mine at last.  there was a warm feeling in my chest and i could feel myself blushing as your slowly pulled away to bite my lip. it's hard to describe the way you tasted, but i couldn't get enough of you.  you intoxicated me more than all the alcohol on the earth; i get drunk off of you after one sip.  i never wanted to pull away from you.  everything about it made everything alright; i'd never felt so desired in my life.  the way your hands moved around me, the feeling of our teeth colliding in between the ever changing gentleness and intensity.  i'd never craved something so much as much as i crave you right now.  you're simply tantalizing, i don't know how i ever went more than three seconds without you.  i want to take drags of you constantly, i want to feel you like smoke in my lungs. i want to take multiple hits of you, i want you to be the burning sensation in the back of my throat.  with you in my hand still, i look up at the fluorescent ***** of light we call the starts atop the piece of black construction paper we cal the night.  a new song, now playing in the back of my head - " i wanna be yours" by the arctic monkeys.  every single word of every single line makes me long for you.  i really did want to be yours.  i always want to be yours.  i only want to be yours.  i will always want to be yours.  i want to be the air you breathe, the water you drink, the cigarette you smoke, the wine you sip, but especially the coffee in your mug.  i want to be the one to touch your sleepy lips every morning, hoping to wake you up with every temperate impact you make to me.  those rocks we sat upon for however many hours we did made me fancy you eve more.  i wanted you at your lowest point and your highest point, i wanted to hold your hand at all times, even if it breaks my wrist.  finding you was pure luck.  those cliffs with the sun setting behind the peaks made me think a lot.  i'm high when i'm totally sober when i'm with you.  your lips are the sweetest sensation i've ever encountered.  your eyes are brighter than those little fluorescent ***** of light on the piece of black construction paper. you're always going to be with me, in my head and in my heart.  in my hair, on my lips, and in my hand.  i never once thought anything like what we have could ever become what it is now, because i'm so me and you're so you.  maybe i was one of the lucky ones.  there's one term to describe it.  two words in one simple expression.  sweet serendipity.

my bed
is far
too vast
with out
you laying
right next
to me

i don’t care if you’ll never see this. but if you do, here’s what i was thinking about last night.
i love you.
i can’t take it anymore.  i’m so head over heels, i’ve fallen harder for you than anyone, i just cannot ******* act like i haven’t anymore.  you’re the definition of perfection, the epitome of greatness, the quintessence of beautiful, all of the above, everything, and anything.  i get jealous whenever i see other girls, or even guys talking to you.  i just want to be with you all the time, or at least talking to you.  it’s so hard to express over a simple text post but i’m going to try to.  i wish i could just be able to go up to you everyday and kiss you without even thinking about it.  you’re amazing.  i’ve told you this before but you, first of all, don’t believe me, and second, don’t think it of me, so i can’t tell you to your face.  if i could, i would.  if i could just have all of you all the time i’d never ask for anything else.
it seems as though “starring role” by marina and the diamonds is a very fitting song.  you tell me sweet things (sometimes) when i’m fully clothed but when i get undressed you say them more often.  you don’t have anyone right now, and even though that goes against what the song is portraying, i’m still not the “starring role in your heart”.  
i swear if you were to stay here things would be different but considering that can’t happen, we’ll most likely never know.  my heart breaks just thinking about it, i can’t even bother to, or the salty tears from my eyes will break my keyboard, there’s just so many of them.
i just don’t want to lose anyone else.  and if whatever is between us is strong enough to withstand that much of a distance, who knows what could happen.
the funny thing is that once i realized how hard i fell for you, all the past relationships and heartbreaks and current “crushes” or thoughts of flirting, or just even looking at anyone else in a lustful manner just seemed to fade away, and it all happened so suddenly.
if you never see this, oh well.  you’ll eventually find all of this out.  
and if you do, at least now you know.
if nothing ever came of us, just remember this.  you’re my best ******* friend, whether or not i fell for you.  if you never feel the same way i completely understand, i probably wouldn’t feel that way about me either.  whatever you do in life, i hope it makes you happy.  i hope good things come your way, and i hope everything works out for you in the end.  you deserve nothing less than perfection, so don’t ever settle for anything.  
keep in mind that i’m going to be here every second of everyday, most likely thinking about you and hoping you’ll be doing the same about me.  i’m never going to forget you, and i pray almost every night that you’ll never forget me.  you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  you’re the reason that i’m typing this right now, actually, because if it wasn’t for you i’d be in a casket buried six feet under.
always remember that i love you and i always will, whether you’re here or not.
now is a good time to put my knowledge of pierce the veil lyrics to use.
so, in a literal sense…
without you, there is no me.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
for one reason.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
for the same reason as every morning.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
because I dreamt of you.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
to see if you were still here.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
but I was alone in the mess of sheets.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
because I missed you.

caramel macchiato flavored coffee with mint cigarette flavored kisses with your dreamboat lover is the quintessence of what i call "perfection".  if there was a way to describe the way your lips feel against mine, i could only describe it as "cigarettes and coffee".  cigarettes and coffee isn't simply consuming caffeine or inhaling tobacco in your lungs, it's sitting on the roof at 1 am looking at the stars with a blanket around the both of you.  it's laying in the grass with a slight breeze blowing making smoke rings between the arduous kisses.  it's simply sipping a vanilla latte on the corner of a new york city street with a cigarette in your hand, making swirls of smoke as more ash forms above the filter,  looking like some sort of bohemian gods. it's walking along a deserted sidewalk in your black jeans and doc martens with a big t-shirt and coke bottle sunglasses on with your lover on your hip and your menthol in one hand and philter in another.  "cigarettes and coffee" is whatever you can interpret as pure bliss; it's simply whatever makes you happy and whatever makes you want to sit in the grass all night and talk about anything and everything.  there's a lot of people that would argue there's no beauty to the feel of tobacco in your lungs and arabica in your mouth, but evidently, they've never tried cigarettes and coffee.

i miss you
going home at night isn't the same
you literally meant the world to be
but you obviously can't see that
the other ones don't make me feel the same
because they aren't you
i never even got to call you mine
and that's what hurts the most
"friendzoned"
you're lovely
but i'm average
i wish you could make someone fall in love with you
because technically they made you fall in love with them
i'm sorry for the rant
you don't have to read anymore
i miss you

I decided
to lay my
head down
for just
a little while

in hopes you'd
be there
sitting across
from me
once again.

I brushed
the slumber
away from
my weary
eyes, only
to reveal
you were
not there.

my thoughts
of you,
screaming for
you, hoping
that your
thoughts are
about me
too.

she was in love.
she was in love with a boy.
she was in love with a boy who didn’t love her back.
she was a beautiful girl when she was sixteen.  she was the most insecure girl you’d ever meet, but you’d never know because her award winning smile hid all of the insecurities. black curly hair, olive skin, beautiful big brown eyes, cherry lips, and naturally aligned perfect teeth.  she knew she was beautiful deep down, although she hated to admit it, because of an unfortunate series of events that occurred in the past.  she was the happiest girl you could ever meet, or at least that’s how she came across.  she acted as though nothing was wrong, when in reality, a lot was wrong.  she knew her peers thought of her as a person who tried too hard to be different, but that’s who she was.  she was different, and she knew it.  
he was a breathtaking boy when he was 16.  he was just as insecure as she was, but you'd find it hard to believe, since he was so picturesque. blonde hair, pale skin, pacific ocean eyes, bright pink lips, and very white teeth.  he didn’t know he was breathtaking, because of an unfortunate series of events that occurred in the past.  he always thought of himself as a person without a place, even though he believed everyone had a place in the world, he just hadn’t found his yet.  he bottled things up inside until they sunk low enough to go out of view, until he forgot about them.  he knew he had a place, he just didn’t know where.  he was different, too.  just as different from everyone else as the girl was.
she told him everything.  more than she told her other friends. more than she told her best friend of fourteen years. she didn’t know it at first, but she would fall hard for him, harder than when she fell off her longboard the first time.  just like that first fall, it would hurt.  it would make her bleed, and it would transform her.  from it, she would become a better person, and definitely a more cautious one.  she wasn’t aware of it yet, but he would change her in two ways.  for the better, and for the worse.
the background knowledge of this tale isn’t important.  all that needs to be known is how she has now fallen in love with him, harder than she’s ever fallen for someone.  however, he’s since moved away.  how far, you ask?  3,000 miles across the ocean.  her love for him has grown dramatically since this, and she’s told him, but he doesn’t feel the same way.  he’s said it straight to her face, on multiple occasions.  to directly quote it, “the feeling is there, but it just isn’t prominent.”  naturally, this kills her inside. the hardest thing to endure is watching the one you love, love someone else. in fact, this makes her want to curl up in her comforter and cry, and hopefully never come out.  she loved this boy, and she loved him completely unconditionally.  no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get him to see her that way.  the only time he ever takes any interest in her is when she’s undressed. she would use her body for love, and he used love for her body. she was blinded, and she didn’t want to see him using her, so she refused to believe it.  she’s confronted him about it, and he’s said he isn’t using her, so she was convinced he wasn't, mostly because she could never make herself believe he was lying to her.  
he knew everything about her.  he knew her full name, which not a lot of people did.  he knew about her past; the past that involved a small wrist and a large blade.  he knew about her future; the future that involved a small apartment in new york and a job at vogue. he knew about the husband, or wife, she wanted, since she was bisexual.  only he knew that. he knew how much she loved him, as well. he was well aware of that, but obviously he didn't know how much it would **** her inside to know he didn't think the same of her. he didn't think it through. if he did, he would have saved her a lot of pain.
she was sitting in her bedroom one day. she was thinking mostly about him. she kept playing the sweet things he'd said to her in the past back in her mind, and suddenly she found herself smiling and feeling warm inside. she loved him. she loved him more than anyone she'd ever loved before. just as she was thinking, he messaged her on facebook. her heart fluttered, she couldn't wait to see what he said.
"i have to talk to you" his tone was stern, which somewhat scared her, since he was never sincere like this.
"okay sure, what's up, deary?" she always called him deary, it was the most natural response for her.  she was trying to lighten the mood a bit, as well.
"as you know since i've moved here, my feelings for you have somewhat gone away. and with that being said, i've found somebody."
she could've sworn she heard her heart fall down to her feet and break into one million tiny pieces.
"you have a girlfriend now?"
"yes."
she logged off of facebook without answering his message, and went to the corner of her room where a tiny piece of her carpet was cut into a square and ripped off the floor so it could be lifted up. she lifted the piece of carpet up to reveal a bag and a blade. a tiny plastic bag, and a tiny metal blade. a tiny plastic bag that had an assortment of different pills in it, and a tiny metal blade with dried blood tracing the edges of it from her past. the pills were things such as ibuprofen or acetometaphine, and the blade was a replacement blade from her dad's razor, since his was sharper than hers.
her past wasn't particularly something she liked to remember. she had once been suicidal. she had cut herself. she had intentionally burned herself. she had snapped a hair tie against her wrist during school. she's tried ending her life with those same pills. she kept them there if she needed them.
as of right now, she needed them more than ever.
she opened the bag, got two bottles of water, and began to swallow the pills. one by one.  as she swallowed them, she found herself taking the sharp piece of metal to her wrist.  she caressed it gently before dragging it across the noticeable scars, going deeper and deeper with each ****.
after about thirty five pills and twelve lacerations, she began to get terrible stomach pain, and her blood wasn’t clotting any longer.  she strayed away from her wrist and moved down to her hips, her v-line, and upper thighs. she could feel her demise coming, but she wanted it right then.  she didn't cry as she threw the pills down, her heart was too heavy, her body too frail, that she couldn't produce the tears, even though she wanted to.
twenty more pills.
three more cuts.
five more pills.
two more cuts.
one more pill.
and just like that, she was gone.
about an hour or so later, her mother knocked on her door. she made sure to leave the door unlocked so her mother wouldn't find her and be angry. her mother hated when she locked her door. she walked in, and once she saw her daughter laying on the floor near the piece of torn up carpet, she collapsed to her knees over her top of her. she noticed a small paper laying next to her body. she unfolded it. on it was this:
"you know, it’s funny. now everyone will care. now he’ll love me. if you all had felt this way when i was alive, i wouldn’t be dead."
it’s almost like she knew her death would be one of the biggest news highlights of the year in her small town.  it’s almost like she knew photos of her would be everywhere.  it’s almost like she knew her suicide note was going to become the most viral thing to hit the nation in four years.
her mother had no idea what that meant. she couldn't think anyway, for her teenage daughter had just mutilated her insides with common household drugs.
with the little energy she had left in her body, she stumbled downstairs to where the telephone was. she dialed her husband's work number, and was completely hysteric when he answered the phone. he told her to calm down, so she tried to. when she finally stopped crying long enough to get words out, she told him.  he said he was about to leave his office. he didn't care about anything else in the day, he just had to get home. he had to get home to see his little girl for the last time.
her mother told her friends, and the entire town was a complete wreck. memorials were hung everywhere. pictures of her death note were posted in newspapers and on street corners. a segment was even on the news about her. she had never felt loved in her life, but when she died, everyone turned into her friend. girls who called her fat and ugly in middle school said she was beautiful.  boys that called her obnoxious and annoying said she was fun to be around.  teachers who told her she would never get into college and didn’t have a future said she had her entire life ahead of her.  just as her suicide note said, if they had all acted this way when she was still here, she wouldn’t have left.
the boy messaged her one day, wanting to tell her something again. when she didn't answer, he sent her another message. he obviously hadn't looked at his facebook news feed in a few days, considering everyone's status was about her, and there were pictures of her everywhere; pictures of her and her friends, her and her beloved cats, or her alone.  looking at the pictures was painful for everyone, since her beautiful smile was only lived on in the pictures now.  her eyes sparkled in the photos, but not as much as they did in real life.  now, the photos were all that was left.
he sent her another message, saying this:
"well if you aren't going to answer me then i guess i'll just tell you. i broke up with my girlfriend already. i realized a few things when i was with her. she isn't you. i love you, i really do. i hope you can forgive me and i hope we'll talk soon.  bye babe."
he only called her babe when he felt closest to her.  some days, where they would flirt a lot, they would both feel warm and fuzzy inside and completely loved.  neither ever admitted it, but they both knew exactly how the other felt.  among the pet names and multiple kissy faces, they had great conversations.  they were so open around each other, neither of them had ever been like that with anyone else.  she knew she was made for him, although he didn’t realize it until after it was too late.
after he sent it, he decided to check his news feed. he saw the pictures and status messages. he couldn't believe it. he didn't know how much he hurt her. he killed her inside so much that she actually killed herself. he was the one that always made her feel better when she was feeling down. he's the one that got her to stop hurting herself. she told him once that she was going to stop for herself, when subliminally she stopped for him, because she knew he didn't like it. she didn't think he could ever love her with the cuts up and down her arms, so she stopped making them. she was alive because of him, but now, she was dead because of him.  he gave her a reason to want to live, and a reason to want to die.
life was still odd for him after her passing. he'd think about her often. she would come to him in dreams. he’d listen to her favorite song, which was one of his favorite songs as well, called “i wanna be yours” by the arctic monkeys.  he introduced her to the arctic monkeys, actually.  he never realized how much the lyrics meant to her, the more he listened to them he recognized the relevance of them.  he's sworn he’s seen her on street corners in his city. he knew it couldn't be, but every time he thought he saw her, tears would well up in his eyes and he'd have to turn around and go home. he didn't speak to anyone, nor did he tell anyone about her, especially not what he felt for her. everyone would think it was out of pity, pity for her and her death. he regretted making her feel worthless when he told her he didn't love her, because he did, and they both knew that.  she always knew deep down there was more feeling to it than he said, but she couldn't get past him saying those things. and that's why she killed herself.
years passed. he never found anyone, and she decayed in the beautiful tiffany blue dress she wears for eternity. it would've been her 25th birthday when he first went to see her at her final resting place. there was a photo of her on her stone, one of the last pictures ever taken of her. his breath was taken away by her beauty, she had the same warm smile he remembered when he saw her the last time. her eyes bright with playfulness, and her cheeks round and rosy. he could still hear her laugh. it was almost contagious. he was in love with her all over again, and she wasn't there to tell.
although, she was there. she heard every thought inside her head and saw every emotion he was feeling. she regretted her decision. she hated herself for not being patient and not going with her instinct. now, they could never be together. they were made for each other, and they both knew it.
he flung himself onto her burial site, weak at the knees and tears down his face. he missed her just as much as she missed him. he regretted never kissing her when he had the chance. he wanted to take back every time he ever told her he didn't love her. she took her life because of those things, and he was too pessimistic with the thought of "i'll never see her again" stuck in his head that he couldn't hear what his heart was saying.
he never married. he continued to visit her, almost every day. he couldn't stand to not see her, even if she wasn't there. she visited him every night as well, just to watch him sleep. she still thought he was the most breathtaking boy she'd ever seen. and she was just as beautiful as she was before. just as beautiful, and just as breathtaking. just like when they were 16.

i still wish i'd had one more chance to see you. you and your mesmerizing pacific ocean eyes. i wish i'd got the chance to sit in the gravel with you at dusk; just to simply talk about anything and everything and enjoy each other's company. the feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach has been present for as long as i can remember, all because i miss you. i've been sitting on the gravel alone, thinking of the plans we once dreamed up. looking at the sunset through the trees only makes me want you more. the fireflies that dance around my nostalgic head don't know you're missing from my picture. they don't know how terrible it is to need someone like i need you. we can't feel for the fireflies, but i always wonder if they can feel for us. do they light up the night to show us the way through our darkness? can they tell we feel empty? can they tell when we miss someone? do they know what love is? sometimes i like to think i'm a firefly. when i'm a firefly, i fly the 3,800 miles across the pond to you. i fly across the big atlantic ocean just to see those gorgeous pacific ocean eyes staring back at me. even if i was a firefly, or even if i wasn't, rather, they make me light up either way.

earlier today
at 2:27 am
i decided i missed you
maybe a little more than i should

earlier today
at 9:46 am
i thought of you again
i still missed you

earlier today
at 4:13 pm
i had another thought of you
this time, pure nostalgia

it's currently 6:46 pm
and i still miss you

i was blind.  blinded by single sided affection.  simply living in a state of dreaming, and that silly state of dreaming kept me up on a cloud far too long.  now, it's time to go back to reality.  you don't want me, i know that.  floating on sweet nothings isn't how i want to live anymore.  as hard as i'm trying to keep these tears from falling from my eyes, i just can't help them.  i loved you, or at least i thought i did.  but my dream is over, i'm awake again.

i see you whenever i close my eyes,
so i blink a little longer,
and maybe a little more often,
just so i can see
your beautiful face
with those pacific ocean eyes
flash before mine
whenever i’d like.

i'm currently laying in my bed with tears in my eyes for the first time in as long as i can remember.  this feeling is far too familiar, and i didn't miss it at all.  it feels like one of those old friends you didn't mind not seeing anymore, you just sort of accepted their absence.  although this isn't a friend; it never has been nor will it ever be.  it's a foe, and alter ego, and as wretched as it is to say, it's truly my former self.  i've heard countless times the phrase "the hardest thing to endure is watch the one you love, love someone else", but there is a bit of deceit behind it.  in my personal opinion, the hardest thing to endure isn't having the one you love, love someone else, but just simply knowing they don't love you back.  any person could possess their heart, while at the same time, they posses yours.  it's a dreadful feeling, really.  it's consuming, and with the consumption comes emptiness.  the emptiness is what sits in the pit of your stomach.  it's a contradiction, i guess you could say.  lately i've become nothing but a contradiction.  in the words of an anonymous novelist, a "fatal contradiction", which frightens be down below the contradictory emptiness in the pit of my stomach, goes through my blue veins, creeps into my fingertips, which act as puppets by making their way up to their controller, beginning to claw at their puppeteer to make the thoughts stop.