I’ve already promised myself that nothing will stop me from being exactly who I want to be in 2014, as cliche as it sounds. fake friends and drama can kiss my *** because there is no need for the added stress. I’m going to make my grades better than they already are and hopefully pull myself up to at least a 3.2 GPA. I’m going to get into college when the time comes and I’m going to actually get somewhere in the world. a few months ago if you were to ask me what I wanted to do, I’d say I had no idea. but recently I’ve found the drive inside myself to make something of this thing we’re living called “life”. I refuse to live under anyone else’s standards. I will not live to please anyone else except myself. it sounds so selfish, it really does, but really, the only satisfaction a human being needs is the satisfaction of one’s self. nobody can expect another person to make another one happy, it just doesn’t happen that way. so starting tonight at 12:00, I am going to be focusing on me and my own life, rather than everyone else’s.

i really don't know anymore.
these feelings lately have consumed me and put me in the mindset that all i'm doing to myself is simply screaming deeper and deeper into the depths of the ignorant darkness.  nobody can hear me. the louder my screams become, the more engulfed i become in the sea of eternal darkness, the sea of eternal darkness that has no shoreline. the sea of eternal darkness that no ocean liner dares to trek across.  screams can't be heard from the bottom of the ocean.  the ocean doesn't know it's swallowing you. the darkness doesn't know you want to let the light in.
wake up wake up wake up wake up
my body aches my head hurts my hands have blood on them
my legs are shaking my torso is cut a little bit too deep
my eyes are bloodshot my heart is at my feet
why did this happen why did it happen to me why did you do it why why why why
why did you have to hurt me why did you have to send that bullet straight through my ******* heart why did you have to make me feel worthless
who are you why did you have to do this to me
the sun isn't shining any longer my life is almo

i can't tell which is more breathtaking, the fire in the sky or the one in your eyes.
the clouds suspended over the horizon were turning deep purple mixed with a bit of blue and orange.  it was one of the fall sunsets where everything is completely still as the clouds slowly dance in the sky above you. the reflection of them draped over my chocolate eyes as i was focused on your every movement.  my palm lightly floating over yours, our shadows growing as the sun departed.  i listen to you slowly but steadily breathing, still observing you with critical detail. you turned your neck slowly and your eyes traveled up to lock onto mine.  a slight chill traveled up my spine, i can't even look at you without being startled; you're just so beautiful. so rare and so fragile.  by now, the sun has hidden itself from us behind the peaks right near those steep cliffs we love so much.  in the back of my head, i had a song playing - "crystal" by two door cinema club.  i decided to follow the direction of the lyric "i left you on that street, your shadow at your feet, i should've kissed you".  i couldn't look at you without wanting to inch my lips closer and closer to yours.  i eventually had grown close enough to feel your breath on me for only a few moments, as i couldn't hold myself back any longer. you pulled me closer to you, wrapped your arms around me, and pressed your soft lips against mine at last.  there was a warm feeling in my chest and i could feel myself blushing as your slowly pulled away to bite my lip. it's hard to describe the way you tasted, but i couldn't get enough of you.  you intoxicated me more than all the alcohol on the earth; i get drunk off of you after one sip.  i never wanted to pull away from you.  everything about it made everything alright; i'd never felt so desired in my life.  the way your hands moved around me, the feeling of our teeth colliding in between the ever changing gentleness and intensity.  i'd never craved something so much as much as i crave you right now.  you're simply tantalizing, i don't know how i ever went more than three seconds without you.  i want to take drags of you constantly, i want to feel you like smoke in my lungs. i want to take multiple hits of you, i want you to be the burning sensation in the back of my throat.  with you in my hand still, i look up at the fluorescent ***** of light we call the starts atop the piece of black construction paper we cal the night.  a new song, now playing in the back of my head - " i wanna be yours" by the arctic monkeys.  every single word of every single line makes me long for you.  i really did want to be yours.  i always want to be yours.  i only want to be yours.  i will always want to be yours.  i want to be the air you breathe, the water you drink, the cigarette you smoke, the wine you sip, but especially the coffee in your mug.  i want to be the one to touch your sleepy lips every morning, hoping to wake you up with every temperate impact you make to me.  those rocks we sat upon for however many hours we did made me fancy you eve more.  i wanted you at your lowest point and your highest point, i wanted to hold your hand at all times, even if it breaks my wrist.  finding you was pure luck.  those cliffs with the sun setting behind the peaks made me think a lot.  i'm high when i'm totally sober when i'm with you.  your lips are the sweetest sensation i've ever encountered.  your eyes are brighter than those little fluorescent ***** of light on the piece of black construction paper. you're always going to be with me, in my head and in my heart.  in my hair, on my lips, and in my hand.  i never once thought anything like what we have could ever become what it is now, because i'm so me and you're so you.  maybe i was one of the lucky ones.  there's one term to describe it.  two words in one simple expression.  sweet serendipity.

my bed
is far
too vast
with out
you laying
right next
to me

i don’t care if you’ll never see this. but if you do, here’s what i was thinking about last night.
i love you.
i can’t take it anymore.  i’m so head over heels, i’ve fallen harder for you than anyone, i just cannot ******* act like i haven’t anymore.  you’re the definition of perfection, the epitome of greatness, the quintessence of beautiful, all of the above, everything, and anything.  i get jealous whenever i see other girls, or even guys talking to you.  i just want to be with you all the time, or at least talking to you.  it’s so hard to express over a simple text post but i’m going to try to.  i wish i could just be able to go up to you everyday and kiss you without even thinking about it.  you’re amazing.  i’ve told you this before but you, first of all, don’t believe me, and second, don’t think it of me, so i can’t tell you to your face.  if i could, i would.  if i could just have all of you all the time i’d never ask for anything else.
it seems as though “starring role” by marina and the diamonds is a very fitting song.  you tell me sweet things (sometimes) when i’m fully clothed but when i get undressed you say them more often.  you don’t have anyone right now, and even though that goes against what the song is portraying, i’m still not the “starring role in your heart”.  
i swear if you were to stay here things would be different but considering that can’t happen, we’ll most likely never know.  my heart breaks just thinking about it, i can’t even bother to, or the salty tears from my eyes will break my keyboard, there’s just so many of them.
i just don’t want to lose anyone else.  and if whatever is between us is strong enough to withstand that much of a distance, who knows what could happen.
the funny thing is that once i realized how hard i fell for you, all the past relationships and heartbreaks and current “crushes” or thoughts of flirting, or just even looking at anyone else in a lustful manner just seemed to fade away, and it all happened so suddenly.
if you never see this, oh well.  you’ll eventually find all of this out.  
and if you do, at least now you know.
if nothing ever came of us, just remember this.  you’re my best ******* friend, whether or not i fell for you.  if you never feel the same way i completely understand, i probably wouldn’t feel that way about me either.  whatever you do in life, i hope it makes you happy.  i hope good things come your way, and i hope everything works out for you in the end.  you deserve nothing less than perfection, so don’t ever settle for anything.  
keep in mind that i’m going to be here every second of everyday, most likely thinking about you and hoping you’ll be doing the same about me.  i’m never going to forget you, and i pray almost every night that you’ll never forget me.  you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  you’re the reason that i’m typing this right now, actually, because if it wasn’t for you i’d be in a casket buried six feet under.
always remember that i love you and i always will, whether you’re here or not.
now is a good time to put my knowledge of pierce the veil lyrics to use.
so, in a literal sense…
without you, there is no me.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
for one reason.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
for the same reason as every morning.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
because I dreamt of you.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
to see if you were still here.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
but I was alone in the mess of sheets.

I rolled out of bed
a little bit earlier
because I missed you.

caramel macchiato flavored coffee with mint cigarette flavored kisses with your dreamboat lover is the quintessence of what i call "perfection".  if there was a way to describe the way your lips feel against mine, i could only describe it as "cigarettes and coffee".  cigarettes and coffee isn't simply consuming caffeine or inhaling tobacco in your lungs, it's sitting on the roof at 1 am looking at the stars with a blanket around the both of you.  it's laying in the grass with a slight breeze blowing making smoke rings between the arduous kisses.  it's simply sipping a vanilla latte on the corner of a new york city street with a cigarette in your hand, making swirls of smoke as more ash forms above the filter,  looking like some sort of bohemian gods. it's walking along a deserted sidewalk in your black jeans and doc martens with a big t-shirt and coke bottle sunglasses on with your lover on your hip and your menthol in one hand and philter in another.  "cigarettes and coffee" is whatever you can interpret as pure bliss; it's simply whatever makes you happy and whatever makes you want to sit in the grass all night and talk about anything and everything.  there's a lot of people that would argue there's no beauty to the feel of tobacco in your lungs and arabica in your mouth, but evidently, they've never tried cigarettes and coffee.