I dreamed about you last night
We were eating dinner
or was it lunch?

I was not expecting you to come sit and dine with us
But you did and I was petrified
by your unusual presence.

I remember questioning your ways of being a father,
"Do you even have a job?"
I asked.

Then you stood up, startled
And tears becoming visible
on your red eyes.

"Why can't you just help mama for us?
I asked again
shouting now.

Then you walked away
leaving all my questions, spoken and unspoken
forever unanswered.

I woke up surprised
Remembering your tears
and the person behind it.

Thinking about it all
made me remember my past
and how you walked away in it.

Everybody's laughing loudly
I cannot even smile
losing my ability to pretend.
How the tears badly wanted to flow
out of me, a sob forming
a cry for help
falling continuously.
"I can't do this anymore,"
I screamed softly.

In the end
I chose to stay
but barely existing.

I deserve all of this
To feel worthless
when all I do is make others
feel like ****
But did I really?

I deserve all of this
To be complimented
just to be crumpled like a paper
at the end of the day.

I deserve all of this
To silently suffer at night
and to wake up with a mask,
I deserve it all.

I deserve to be sad
and to cry inside
But that did  not stop me
on seeking the one thing
I do not deserve.