What we need
is a good old fashion
Best freind day!

So this is what I'll do

I'll ride that bus
to the station
and then stomp my fat ***
to your house
break down your door
and drag you out
and make you get on that stupid bus

but first I'll steal that shirt of yours I love

Then once we get off that bus
did I ever mention how much I actual like that bus?
I will drag you
To the China Gormet
sit you down in the chair
and order us some food
Our weight in Crab Rangoons

you like that wonton soup too right?

THEN
THEN
I will make you carry all that food
and lead the way to our old hang out
Under the playset
of the elementary school

ONCE we are settled
and snakcing happily
We will talk about stupid ****
lets add more inside jokes
to the list we already have

LIGHT BULB,
devils opera,
repo the genetic Carnival
It's only hard enough to stay Stiff

Please
Let us do this
Please
I beg of you

Becuase I can see it in your words
I can hear it in your voice
You're slipping away again
Just out of my grasp

And I don't want to almost lose you
Like I did last time

:'(

Bite my lip
                                giggle
                                                     slice
                                                                                                         A little piece of heaven dies

17 years have flown by so fast.
I've watched you grow,
from a chubby little baby
to a handsome young man.

My partner in crime when we were little
is now almost of age.
Where has the time gone?
I hope you know I'm proud of you!

My baby brother
whose been there for me
through thick and thin
is 17 today.

My baby brother
isn't a baby anymore.

There is nothing like
almost colliding
with a moose
on your way home
from work
................
..Stupid Maine nightlife

SHTAKO!!!!!!!!!!

Its times like this
That I wish
I could be more
then the jester
and be a better
Advise giver.

I'm
just
action
packed
with
Issues

My Life
is just
one big ball
of Messy

From my eyes
the tears fall,
as the pain
Spreads throughout
My body.
The pain of a breaking heart.

My heart is breaking
right before my eyes.
And worse of all
it's breaking in the hands
Of the one
I'm in love with.

My heart feels like it's been ripped out
stabbed and strangled,
beaten up and run over
then put back
and left
to die.

I don't think it will
ever be able to
love again.
It's broken
far beyond
repair.

I'm broken
shattered
shaken
to the core

An empty shell
no spark of life
in these dull
colorless eyes

Darkness rises,
as my will begins to fade.

Poison seeps in,
as my thoughts begin to cave.

Cruelty blooms,
as my words become like weapons

I am a force
to be reckoned with.

Sugar and spice
has become
Hellish and violence.

The girl I once was
is the girl I am
No Longer

Shush little girl
no one cares about your tears
they don't care that you're screaming out inside
They don't see the marks on your thighs

Shush little girl
they will only label you dramatic
stuff those feelings deep down inside
don't let them inconvenience any one else.

Just take the razor
and suffer in silence

Shush little girl
who gives a crap about you?
Smile, laugh, and act OK.
That's all they want to see and hear.

They're too busy with their own lives
to see the pain in yours

So Shush little girl
just take the razor
its your only friend anyway

White powder
NO
its definitally not Flour

Clear bitter liquid
NO
It's definitally not water

Needle after needle
NO
Its definitally not a doctor's shot

All these addictions
All these Drugs
Swirlled around me

But I didnt touch them
I kept away
I had my own

Little White pills
NO
they aren't my ADHD medicine

Swallow them
Snort them
Take me away

Blissful numbness
To zoned out to think
Perfect sanctuary

The high
I could Fly
I was invincible

The Crash
the reality came back
with a harsh flash

Needing more pills
to keep the high strong
More and more

More
more
more

Suddenly
They are gone
Leaving me to my own Devices

My stomach turns agaisnt its self
Can't keep anything down
Twisting painfulling in knots

A Cold sweat breaks
Shaking so hard
can't think straight

I need them
I need them
I need them

Pray for death
Pray for pills
Pray for this to end

I need them
I need them
I need them

"oh she has the flu"
Stupid doctor
what do you know?

can't you see
my desprete need
My need for those little white pills

I
Need
THEM

Months go by
feels like eons
feels like I'm in hell

Without them I am plauged
by horror and pain
depression peaking

Slowly my body heals
My need dims
My need disapates

5
years
go by

Addiction no more
Dependent no more
Little pill free

But every now and then
I feel that itch
just below my skin

the itch for a pill
for the numbness it brings
Every now and then

No matter how sober
I will always be recovering

Because when you were addicted to pain meds
It's hard not to relapse

I try to keep it together
I try not to show it.
But I'm falling apart inside.

The pain is becoming harder to ignore
The tears are getting harder to push back.

But I keep pushing it away
I wont let it out.
There are people out there
Who are more important than me.

But its still there
just below the surface.
it keeps building and building.
and I fall back onto my old ways of coping

Cutting
puking
denying myself sleep.

Why does this keep happening to me?

But I know why.
Because I keep it bottled up
I wont let it free

because there are other people out there
who are much more imprtant than me
They need somone to be there for them

I'll be fine
I'll be ok
because I dont matter.
I'm not worth it.

I vow to protect you

agains the firery depths

of the devils Hell



I'll defend against the

demons in your head



I brandish not a sword

But Love and Hope



Lean on me

I'll lend you my stength



You may not be able to see me

You may not be able to hear me

But Always know that I am here



I'll protect you with my life and soul

Her Will is my own
I stand by her side
I will protect her from the world
from the evil that tries to harm her

Her life comes before my own
Let my sword defend her
Let my body be her shield

If I shall Fail
Let my own sword
run me through
Let me be
no more

this is my solemn vow
this is my sacred oath
let my words seal my fate

Let the gods
and goddess
hear me clear

from this day forward
I am forever hers

I am laying here in the early morning with you laying on my chest. I cant help the smile that is on my face. Baby boy you gave my life a whole new meaning. Baby boy you started healing a wound I thought would never heal. I know understand women who say they feel like a piece of their heart is running outside their body.

You are only two weeks old but it feels like you have been in my life forever. The moment I heard you cry for the first time I couldn’t help the overwhelming tears of happiness that flowed from my eyes. I just wanted to hold you and cling to you and never let you go.

Oh my sweet little son how Mommy loves you. I vow I will do everything in my power to protect you and love you and help you succeed in this wild crazy world. I will always be in your corner supporting you in everything you do.

You mean more to me then my own life. There isnt a thing I wouldnt do just to see that small little smile. Even when I am exhausted and sleep deprived I wouldnt change any of it for the world.

I have never known unconditional love until I laid my eyes on you for that very first time.

Nathan I love you so much! Always know this

Love
Your mommy

I weep
Sleep
try to eat

Curse
Sigh
Admit Defeat

Toss, Turn
Simmer
Burn

Rant
Rave
Repeat

Hold me close
and never let me go.
Kiss my lips
with gentle passion.
Love me with everything you have.
And I will always be yours.

I know your life is spinning
so very much out of control
I know your grip is slipping
and you just want to give up and let go.

So I will step on up
and grasp your hand tight
you can let go for a while
Don't worry I'll keep my hold.

Let go and break down
Fall into a million pieces
When you're done
I'll pick them back up
and help you build back up.

I'll hold you
until you can stand up again
because in my arms you're always safe.

You are my sister
and I love you so dear
and I know its hard for you
To show all your fear

but know this please

I am Always here For you.

I vow to always be there
To help you in anyway you need.

I vow to Protect you
With Everything I am

I'm here to help you learn,
I'm here to make you love yourself more
The way I already do.

If you disobey
I'm sorry but I must punish.

But dont worry.
The sting wont sting for long

I'll bandage you back up.
With a Kiss and a good Boy

I'll hold you when you need me
I'll scold you when you need to be.

I'll Be loving
I'll be Strict.

This is my Vow to you.

What happens when the beauty has lost her beast?
And a cold wind has blown its way into her heart?

A curse of her own cast itself upon her shattered world
What once brought her joy now brings tears of bitter sorrow.

Her kindness and love decay and rot within her
Their diseased death tainting her soul.

The burning fire of her spirit doused   With hate and anger.
Its smoke wailing to the heavens above.

From her bitter tears a rose is formed.
Its black velvet petals shiny with poisoned heartache

A petal will fall every sunset as her hatred grows.
Only to stop when her pain has ended.

And so they drop.
As lifeless as her world has become

Drop
The anger grows

Drop
Coiling in her veins

When they all rot
There will be no salvation

And the last rose petal fell

She sinks to the floor,
Her tears she cant hold back anymore.
Her Grief pours out
Uncensured,Unrestrained
Feel to roam
and rake her brain.

In her hand she held a razor
The familair itch begins
the slow burn
the desire

She lifts her hand
Presses the cold metal
against her fragile skin
Right above her vien

She slices
From wrist
to elbow.
The Pain brings a smile
to her blue white lips.

The sleep hits her
dragging her under,
she lets the razor fall from her hand.

Laying back against the bed.
She closes her eyes
to rest a bit.

And then...........

All this anger
is clawing at my stomach
it wants to be heard
it wants to scream and make a scene
the tears want to come
but my eyes wont let them
I want to throw punches
but my hands are frozen to my side
the thoughts in my head
are begging to be voiced
but my mouth wont open
wont let them out
eyes turn darker
my visions going black
rampage barbie
on the lose
blood starts boiling
can't hold me back
I break through my paralyzes
my words start spewing
tears come flooding
thoughts being heard
body does what it please
has a mind of it's own
struggling for control
fighting the urge trying
to calm my heart
what's happening to me
is a new sensation it
scares me right to my senses
snap out like I've been in a daze
feels like a dream but in reality
       ... It's destruction.

Let me feel your lips
Glide over my naked skin
leaving trails of fire.
Run my fingers through your hair
twisting it between my fingers
as a moan of esctasy escapes

I cant take this any longer.
Push between my legs
I'm ready for you
Take me now

let me love you
with a firey passion
I cant hold back anymore

Grip my hips
I'll meet yours
****** for ******.

Moaning out my name
I whisper yours
in breathy pleasure.
As our souls join together
for a passionate dance

Release our love
together
hand in hand.

Ive met some
****** in my life

But YOU sir
Are a
*******
Cactus!

Breathe becomes short
Trying so hard to take a deep breathe
and all you get in return is a shallow
imitation of the real thing.

Chest squeezing your lungs
as if they are lemons
and it wants every last drop.

Vision fuzzing
as if suddenly a contact fell out
and your left with the water down
version of the world around you

Fear snaking in
breaking your walls
planting their seeds
in the inner most part of your brain

You shake and shiver
no matter the tempature.
It could be 90
but you'd think
it was 20 below.

Feeling that you need to run
get away from here
but you dont know why

This is what its like
when anxeity takes over
when it decided to take up residence
inside you
and makes you realize
That you never stood a chance

I'll give you the moon at night
I'll give you star that lights your eyes I'll give you the sun that made just one more dawn
So another day may come
I'll give you my heart and soul
I'll be there to catch you when you fall When you ask me what I give to you Girl I'll give it all

I sit beside
the old oak tree.
Blade in hand
about to make the slice
that will release my pain
if only for a few.

But then a hand rests upon mine
Freezing me to the spot.

"why do you cut?"
The owner of the hand says.
I look up to see a beautiful young girl
Probably no older then me.

"If you have to ask
Then you clearly wouldn't understand."
I say shaking her hand away.

The girl gives me a sad smile,
Lifts up her arm,
pulls back her sleeve,
revealing the skin underneath.

I just gasp
and stare.

Criss crossing scars
some old
some new
no inch of skin spared.

"I understand perfectly"
She says

"You want to stop the pain,
that's killing you inside
you want the sadness to go away."

I just stare at her
unblinking
not knowing what to say.

She sits down beside me,
leans against the tree,
lifts her face to the sky and smiles
that hauntingly sad smile.

"I'm not as bad as you
No Offense
I only do it every now and again
When the pain becomes to much
I finally say,
Wanting nothing more
then to get away.

"I use to do that too
Just here and there."
She turns to me
eyes shimmering with
unshed tears.

"But then the pain gets worse and worse
And few cuts here becomes to much
To the point where it becomes your crutch

"Please don't do it
Please Stop"

I stand up
I'd had enough
"Why should I listen to you?
You clearly haven't stopped!"

she sighs
and in that sigh I heard her pain
I heard her struggle.

"Just remember you have people who love you
They would do anything for you
Anything to help you
Lean on them
They will be your strength
When you feel like you have none left"

And with those parting words
I awoke from my sleep.
It had all been a dream.

Throughout that day
I couldn't stop seeing
Her eyes
Her smile
Hear her sigh
The heartbreaking pain
was clear in every one.

Later that night as I sat back to watch TV
My mom and dad doing their own thing
My father got out his newspaper

"Such a sad story
A young girl committed suicide last night
slit her wrists
Her little brother found her in the bathtub
She was already dead when the ambulance came"

My Blood went cold
My breath stuttering
in my chest
I rushed over to him
snatching the paper out of his hands.

And there she was
The girl from my dreams
Smiling up at me

I guess she
was trying to
save me from
her untimely fate.

The cold waters hit my feet
As I stare out at the nothingness
That is the sea

The water laps at my ankles
stealing away all the warmth
in my body

a horrid chill seeps in
dragging up the misery
that was locked away in my heart

A crushing weight presses
down on my chest
threatening to suffocate me

The water hits my legs
I stare down at the
criss crossing scars

The scars
where cold metal
Met fragile flesh

The Metal sliced as the
Flesh snagged and gave
letting blood flow

The water laps at my knees
Obscuring the Scars
Hiding my past once more

The Pressure on my chest
Gets heavier, threatening
to cut off my oxygen

Final thoughts
start crashing in
Like the menicing waves before me

The water tugs at my waist
growing impatient
wanting me for itself

The water bites me
with its icy jaws
slowly pulling me under

My life flashes before me
As I realize how pitiful
and sad it had been

The water closes over my eyes
drowning away my life
Then.....

..........There Was Nothing

To all those people out there
who try to tell me how to run my life
I turn my back to you
I will stand my ground

I pay my bills on time,
I buy the things I need
Female products, shampoo,
razers, tooth brush, ect

SO WHO CARES HOW I SPEND MY EXTRA MONEY???
Yes I know I'm slightly obbsessed with Avengers
and I buy everything in sight that has to do with them.
BUT HEY I DO IT WITH THINGS I NEED!!!!

I needed a new bedset, my old one getting disgustingly ratty
There just so happened to be an avengers one
I needed a new bath towel,
Hey Look a cheap *** Avengers one!!!!
I needed shampoo
I found a three in one
shampoo, conditioner, body wash
3 buck! AVENGERS!!!
Sorely needed a new tooth brush
Dollar tree, Spiderman!!!!

So you see
even as I splurge
I'm doing it smartly

So to all those haters out there!

GET THE ******* MY BACK!!!
ITS MY LIFE
AND I WILL LIVE AND SPEND IT
HOW EVER I ******* WANT!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby take me away
Take me away from here
Hold me in your arms
and never let me go

This place is destroying me
its chiping and eating away
I'm so afraid
that soon there
will be nothing left

When I think of tomorrow
of being here again
my eyes burn
and tears fall

Baby hold me in your arms
Close to your heart
Take me away from here

Because if I stay any longer
There wont be any thing left to hold

Her souls been shattered
She's trying to pick up the peices
But storm after storm
Keep knocking her down

9:30
Crab rangoons
Under the playset
Jokes being made

School days
Bus rides
Soft pillows
Nightmare free

Weekends
Karate kid
Over and
over again

Panic attacks
Seeking refuge
Free therapist
Venting listener

Scattered memories
Tainted black
Best friends through the ages

No more

Down to my last bit of strength
Walk out of work in sobbing tears
Start the hike home
half a mile
81 degrees

"Yo Panda you look beat"
I stop dead in my tract
That voice
It shouldnt be here.
Is it really here?

Afraid to hope
afriad to believe
Take a gulp of air
look up.
Am I seing things?

Chillign against a car
a smirk across his face
arms crossed
sunglasses oddly on
HAWK

Big brother Hawk
in all his dark glory
drove 8 hours give or take
just to make sure
I was ok.

Runnig into his arms
I cling to my big brother.
Wrapping them around me
lifting me up in a
big bear hug.

Safe, secure, peace.
In Hawks arms
I always feel
those three things
No matter what.

"You're safe now Panda,
I'm here for you,
You're not alone."
He whispers to me
And I know he means every word.

This internal battle
rages on within me
Sapping my strength
Leaving this bitter cold.

Left alone
in a house
that was never my own.
The Halls once filled
with the warmth of family,
Now deserted
blowing a wind
of bitter cold.

The suns fire
warms up the day outside
Birds chirping
bees floating lazily.
But inside me
the sun can not reach.
Inside me
This Bitter cold
is here to stay.

blessed be
the goddess and the god
I invoc you within
this sacred circle

I call upon the fire
that lends her warm
her healing glow
and her majestic flames

I call upon the water
that lends his soothing strength
his Survival instincts
And his forgivness

I call upon the air
That lends his life breath
His Strong determination
and his Harsh Love

I call upon the Earth
That lends the fruits of her labor
Her Beautiful Nature
And her trusted Soul

Symbols of the goddess
Symbols of the God
without them we'd be no more
Watch over me and all your children

trails of dark red
run down my leg
from five freshly
cut wounds

blood mingling with tears
as a devilish smile
spread across my lips

this is my secret
this is my blissful
release

****** Fax Machines
Trilling in my ear
Hurting me
with their peircing screams

I will look you in the eye
I will not flinch
I will not back down

You can not forse me
I will not break
I bow down
To No one

Try as you will
Try with all your might

But I will submit
**I will Bow
To
No
One

The emotions inside of me
are clawing free
streaming out of my mouth
in a twisted mournful wail
Piercing the night air with their cries

Their soulless voices begging to be heard
As I try to stuff them back from whence they came
but they are too powerful, built up from years of neglect.
Demanding to be heard where I want them to be or not.

Their Rage and their pain sail through the night,
leaving tears and agnoy,
Shaking shoulders and hollowed chests

nothing can stop them now.

You were
my own perfect piece
of Paradise


Why
would you think
being just friends
would suffice

Tiny human growing inside
Mama loves you already
Five weeks and Six days
Thats how long you've been Here

I cant wait to hear your heartbeat
Daddy cant wait either
Are you a boy?
A girl?

I cant wait to watch you grow
To hold you in my arms
And welcome you to this world
To watch you become someone wonderful

But do I have the right?
Do I have the right to be over the moon?
I feel guilty being so happy
When this isnt my time to shine

I feel guilty and hesitant to share
I feel like If I do
I will lose someone who means
Everything to me.

I feel like I am messing up her moment.
Like I dont have the right to open up
I feel torn and lost and utterly alone
I dont believe I can reach out to her

Im so sorry this happened
I never meant to **** things up
I promise I'll stay in the shadows
This is your shine. Not mine


Just know sis
I love you dearly
And That I am so sorry
For always ruining things for you.

My world has been rocked
Shattered to the core.

But I'm still here!

All the failures of my life
**** past me
Howling like the wind.

BUT I'm still here!

The razor looks friendly
Offering me its bitter comfort
To let my sorrow pour out.

BUT I'M still here!

Depression sings
his posioned song
Wanting me for himself

BUT I'M STILL here!

Come close to the edge
My feet stepping over.
Staring down into the Abyss

**BUT I'M STILL HERE!!!!!!!!!

I can't think of a poem.
All filled with rhymes.
That flows like a river,
Or fits like a charm.
I just can't think of a poem,
That the teacher will mark with an A+.
No detailed words come to my mind.
I think and think for hours on end,
Nut I just can't do it,
Can't think of a poem.
Can you?

Widow open
With my arms open wide
Whipping wind
weaving in and out of my fingers
and into my tangled hair
Look up at the pale full moon
breathing in the burning fields

and its moments like this

that I'm so happy I'm alive