I can't
decide
Whether you corrupt me
with sadness
Or
conceive and consume me
with the only happiness
I have ever known

You were as stealthy as a slow gas leak, by the time i knew i was in love with you, i had succumbed to you. You were in the drivers seat of my car lighting a cigarette with the windows up so i could breathe you in. I quit smoking so your secondhand smoke was all you would allow. I watched as you brought the cigarette to your lips and dragged in as if your life depended on it. It was your third one today and i told you that you should stop, maybe breathe me in for a second. Do you know what i would give to become second hand smoke from your lips? All you would have to do is kiss me and i would vanish into thin air, become a noble gas in the periodic table but there is nothing noble about the element of disappearance. I have been shrinking away from you ever since you held my hand in that convenience store a year ago. I'm trying to convince myself to get over you because all i am to you is someone to **** slowly through your second hand smoke. I never knew I could get so addicted to nicotine until it came from under your tongue. When you're gone, it's hard for me to breathe which doesnt make sense because when youre here my lungs are filled with your sweet black tar. But you will be gone for months when you leave in two weeks. You said you'd write to me, but written words can't carry your second hand smoke. You can't build a home out of a human being, but that doesn't mean i cant find a home in your bed.

The moon breaks through the window with luminosity
Your chest rises and falls lightly with every calming breath
My pale fingers trace your gorgeous skin as I lay awake
I blink with every inhale of breath your sleeping body takes
Our legs are tangled together to keep us from moving apart

My fingers seem to trail towards your collar bones
Chirping crickets and hissing cicadas fill the silent void
My colorless lips tug into a smile for you have awoken
Your lips lure towards my ear in a swift manner
Words of love and wishes for the future pour from your lips

And we end the night with a simple kiss

I remember the way you used to look at me, your laugh even when what I said wasn't ever really that funny. You looked at me as if I had something, something that you could never grasp, But something you were desperate to reach.

You told me countless times you wanted to have me forever and that I was the only one you'd ever love. And like every other stupid and young girl in the world at some point in her life, I told you the same thing back without delay...and meant it.

But I look back now on what was and wonder if it was ever really me that you wanted.  And I wonder what exactly you were planning to love till the end of your life.
It's funny, I was not planning to change my mind but apparently you were.

It's been 17 months and the run-ins with the family are shorter. The awkward hellos are avoided. The smell of you on your many shirts and sweatshirts is gone. The texts that reek desperation and regret have stopped.  You not-so-simply aren't what you were a year and a half ago.

'M'... And there it is, the countless amount of times I've typed in your name to get a glimpse of your life from the outside now leaves me crippled because I only have to type one letter for it all come flooding back.

The nights spent crying, the days I've spent wondering, the lyrics, the poems, the books I've spent time analyzing and the dreams from which I've woken up from where the faint but so real sound of your voice says "I'm ready to try again." Though these are all things that I thought would push me to death, I thank you.

These are times in which I found hope in hopelessness. Because as great as it was and as much as I wanted you back. I know now there's so much more out there, so much you lacked.

If suffering was what it took to find what was meant to be. Put me through the seering pain a thousand times over again because I know I can finally breathe and be truly happy.

Sure, the hurt comes back to sting here and there, but I know now my hope is found in someone even greater than you or I are truly aware.

I could inject a gram of you
straight into my veins.
And when the paramedics arrive,
to find me incoherent,
half dead in a pool of my own waste,
your name will still be on
the tip of my tongue.

How much Hell could a person
swallow before they drown?

Lonely like a bad habit

Lonely is a bad habit.

From  High School I look at you as an ordinary student.
Never felt that you are confident.
By text messages and simple greetings,
Something grew called feelings.

I knew you more by each passing day.
The moments we’ve shared,
Even Bill Gates can’t pay.

We laugh,
We fight,
I sometimes cry
After  that something takes place called shy.
Giving each other nicknames
Feeling special even it’s a shame.

I don’t have to rush
But I’ve told you that you’re my crush
It’s okay for  you ‘cause we’re friends
Tragic for me knowing where it ends.

Now that I’m far away from your sight
You’re always on my mind at night
I know that we’re not meant to be
I’ll always miss you,
You’ll  never  miss me.
You have the right to that ‘cause you’re free
Having no strings attached between you and me.

Maybe he doesn't want to break my heart,
Already knowing,
That he lost interest in me,
Not too long ago.