The older I get the more cynical my mind becomes
The little pleasures are the only thing keeping me from stepping into the gaping pit of depression
Brush in paint,
Book in lap,
Napping
These small things create a foundation of peace
Simplicity I never thought I'd need it this much.

I chase away lonely in the only way I know how.
Between the treble cleft the base time rhyme
The transient movement of sound
Dancing the fey like rhythms of the soul
Pouring out my mouth into my ears and stretching past the tips of my fingers.
It's the only thing that has never left
That loves me back without qualm.

I cant help but wonder where you are now
Are you happy
Was it a good decision?
But I'm not weak
Enough to open that door again
Though I do stare at it
And watch cobwebs collect
Dust float and floor creak
Sometimes I walk by
And find my hand gripping at the ****
Shakings the gears in tremor
Curiously
I never do

It has become more of a conversation to a listless void
Written in an almost spoken manner
Words seem to tumble out of my mouth and onto a screen
Venting its esoteric nonsense to a muse that is either deaf or unable to respond
It is no longer an attempt to express love in that rhyme dime fashion or to detox in a Poe'tic fashion
It has become my random thoughts screaming out into the abyss hoping for an echo of something that isn't its own voice.

Sipping cold ale blend staring at the screen waiting for the end
End of the words end of the lines
End of this paper crime
Its morning the cold chill of scented rain
Two ales down
Finger tapping tipping the iambic rhythm
Wishing it could be over
The words go on filling the blank spaces.

I still feel the sharp edge of your tongue
Biting into the soft tissue
Of my brain
Hemorrhaging your lies

Sometimes I fill like a glass too full
Like one small bump will send all the liquid spilling
Out into the open
Like a shattered egg dripps white yoke onto a surface
Almost as if only some parts will be seen
And the warm soft yellow center of my soul will be ignored.

I dont know what to feel
My mind is confused existing in a jumble of mix emotions that spread further on the liquid surface of the mind
No matter how far I swim they stay just beyond the reach of stretching fingers
Shifting and to the music of a disturbed mind in limbo
Between desire
Making nauseous with anxiety.

Touched by the sound of your sadness
I want nothing more but to comfort
But the static of phoned wire cannot satisfy
Making your lonely
A sickness I can not cure
Expressing my love is the limit to my aid
And hope it is enough
To dry your eyes.

In  the lingering void that is this expressionless existence
I walk pounding down the sharpness that is the stinging lash of memory
Filled with bitter intensity of
Regret. remorse other tantamount fears
Shouting in the stillness
Who am I now?
Where do I begin to change?
What do I do now?
Can I let go?
Echoing the madness of self doubt
Boiling to surface and rim the confines of thought
Trickling abundantly the inner corrosion  
Ahead in the  silent drifting twilight there stood a shadowed figure translucent an after thought within my being
A remnant to something that was once strong
Faded but not lost
Like a fine layer of dust guilt finally lifts its sticky clingy tendrils
Away from the constricting  spasmic leeching it once held to my soul
And I step freely from this endless circular prison
Into myself I become once more

I heard there was a secret chord
That was played and it pleased the lord
But you have never cared for music have you?
But it is worth the baited anticipation
Its glory brings strong men to knees
To cry like a child

Baby I've been here before I've walked these floors and know these doors
What more do you need from me but the assurance of all my deeds
Understanding what I am to become
When in reference to you

But love is more than a victory march
It a cold and broken hallelujah
That screams from the depth of the soul
Shaking down the foundation of bone
Scattering the mind like leaves in the wind
Till nothing is left but that knowledge
Knowing more about yourself from the undoing.

And watching as this time I leave
Footsteps to hollow out the empty

Playing in my paper tin
Where the fun ain't got end
Two drops down the rabbit hole
The melting melding mental fluctuations
Burst like stars with each exhalation
Floating exhortations and relief
In the misty cloud of disbelief
Billowing out that acrid smoke does play
Touching tasting an empiric ecstasy
Where the stunted movement of hands follows the solid sound of base thump rhyme  
Keeping the pain at bay
Away from the things I wish to erase
Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm weak
But despite the chaos
I feel complete.

I saw you recently your hands were shaking and the weight had fallen from your face
The spark in your eyes still lingered like a fire fighting against the breeze
But despite your will your body was leaving
Now there is no more pain, no more fear of leaving work undone
For you there is only peace
As much as it hurts me to admit you letting go so early
Was best
I hated to see you losing what made you beautiful; your mind.

2:43 the flashing of the colon light is burned into my retina
It's digital face I can not forget
The timeless monotony of the ceiling long having lost it's grab for
I stare mostly into the darkness look for an anchor to the numb that is my mind
I banished the silence long ago with the uncomfortable pressure of foam
Trying to kick start my mind liberate it from the listless void it has fallen back into
Stay in
Breathes it's shallow breaths like some sick starving thing
Where anxiety and insomnia meet so strung out
Feeling like the static in a television.

Its one am and Im wet again
Trying to expunge the anxiety that creeps like marching ants
Under the skin against the brain
This energy that is ceaseless
This dragon I slay nightly
Will not stay dead
So I find myself standing underneath the raging spray
Hoping and pleading for it to all go away.

No I can't spell it out for you
Its never going to be that simple
Words are hollow compared to their feeling
Often misconstrue
If you'd just feel the way
I do
There aould be no distance between me and you

Nothing cuts deeper than to be done wrong by those you love.
You should feel ashamed the way you treat them
Your greed is like the cancer that took him
Taking advantage of a man who can't see to his own affairs.
Greedy woman it was never about the money
Its only about what he wanted done.
That gentle man done *****.
By his own seed.

I feel as though I am walking
Though my steps I cannot see
No direction
No center
A path uncertainty
A circle
A  square
No shape I can discern
I feel as though I'm walking
But is it forward or back
In a life of lucid dreaming it's hard to keep track.

Days cake to my fingers
In the cracks and crevices
You find the blacken evidence of my artist vice
Clinging and staining
Following me into those other parts of the day
That demand me to fit
Into a box I've always overflowed
Those bright nail beds scream for freedom
From the eyes of strangers

I find myself awake in the endless now
Closer to the immediate time of midnight
That stretches in the echoing tick of a second
The true forever of the present

In the gaping maw of an endless moment marching forward
I can't help but wonder how its that we wake into the comprehension that the future is an imaginary concept that is never truly reached.
When between two seconds I have felt the breadth of an eternity
Breathing its hot and uncomfortable decomposition onto my being
Aging,
Tallying away the moments until I am but ash on the pavement

That our only perception of reality can happen in the foreverness of a moment that becomes wistful of itself like some elder trying to relive the fleeting feeling of youth
That the past is only a recollection of the now in its nostalgic bubble
Painted like some old time movie in the cobwebbed section of the brain, that forgets important information
Like where the keys are and instead keeps the bitter burn of being in love for the first time.
The last time.

Its these lanquid seemingly shallow thoughts that keep me from dropping into the blissful chaos of REM
Falling off the face of reality and into the black nothing
My brain digs into conceptual conundrums, when really all I want to do is sleep..

I want to be a little girl forever
For surely I would never have to grow old
Never have to face ridicule in silence
I could pull hair and shout mean words
"Well your ugly, and don't smell nice either!"
Or, "I didn't want to play anyway your a cheater"
I could whine and everyone would find me adorable
I could cry without guilt
and Love without heartbreak
Because to a little girl every man could be a hero

I could paint my nails nine colors,
And ask for cookies at breakfast
Wear my pajamas to school
and leave bread crumbs on T-shirts

Being a little girl would be lovely
Getting carried from place to place
Falling asleep wherever I pleased

No more hiding
No more endless rules
For we all know to a little girl rules are for fools
I would be rotten and I could be spoiled
But come morning no one could love me more.

While selfish and at sometimes cruel
Little girls are sweet at heart and genuine too!
I could indulge my habits and play pretend
Instead of go to work and have people that depend
On my steady hands or achey feet

No more bills!
No more lies!
I could build sand castles and pretend to fly
There would be space adventures and tons of books to read!
Yes to be a little girl again would be rather neat.

Could love ever shine through this jaded soul
Through the dusted cobwebbed corners
Into that little dark corner I pushed it
To forget about it
To never remember the joy it brought me
The acceptance I still look for
That screams for it from the flat surface of canvas white
Look here
See me
Screaming
Out in that most primal way
Hoping to here it echo in someonelse

I feel like my mind runs into itself quite often
Like the never ending thoughts overlap into each other until
One either collapses and gives heed to another
Or subsides like a wave to wash back over me when I least expect it
Its why I branch into a topic touching just the bare breath
Before ******* back into the racing void of thoughts that tumble
Like dominos one by one into each other in a chaotic jumble of half formed ideas
Which spread into streams of consciousness that seem to go on forever in a breadth to long for a single breath of air to make vocal.
This is why I feel grammar, or really the English language has never been my friend.

We are birds in a cage
Taught that we are free
While we molt to the skin
Under the eyes of a neglectful owner
We sing praises of individuality
Thanking them for a drop of water

The buzzing sting like angry ants
Walking a rythmic tenor across my skin
Lines upon lines dancing the patterned waltz
Blushing the brilliance of color
Living artwork breathing
Moving
Always on display
A beauty I'll take to the grave.

Is this real life?
Or is it just fantasy?
Caught in a web of delusion
No escape from reality
Where I open my eyes and all I see
Is the endless movement of shuffling feet
Struggling to keep my head above the debt of necessity
Blinking away seconds in a haze
I look at the world
And Question
Is there something better waiting out there for me.
Or is this all there really is

Can we go back again
To where it all made sense
To 98 when things where great and Saturdays meant cartoons
Not 6am and work again the same day in to days out
When sundays were spent outside an adventure in the trees
Scuffed knees and cherry seeds stuck between the teeth
Where an an hour had the power to make your imagination run
Instead of counting time by the coffee grinds that settle in your cup
Where did the magic go in this adulthood trap
The only thing that seems to linger from childhood is the urge to nap...

Why is it that I am not content
I can not fit into any mold I make
No matter what form of job I take
I can't be settled
Stagnant
Poised in a place for long times
Always dreaming of something else
Seeking something new
Going from one job to the next
Looking for a black sheep in the midst of white
Why can't I find something that I like...

I have learned that I cannot make you the center of my gravity
Like a balloon tethered fragile to the whim of reality
I can no long depend on you for my vitality

But nor can I pull the creaking fingers of desperation from the pleated
Wrinkled splendor that was once white
I had tried and the trying nearly broke me
Wrecked me more assuredly than
If you would have come clean

I had painted you beautiful more beautiful than what my eyes could read
In the end you left me
The murmuring deceitful voices of change where right.
Withdrawn as you were and as wonderful as she sounded
I should have known
But I thought you better than that
Love was the shield I hid behind

But even it could not protected me
From the sound of you succumbing to the charms of another
Falling into the web of pity
and taking that lonely sickness
And letting it infect your judgment.

Insomnia has fallen into my bed again
Taken the blankets and run away with the night
Like a bandit it guards it
Like Smaug it refuses to share
Flaunting its peacock feathers
Unobtainable
Elusive
Some exotic creature prowling the dark
Letting loose its seductive calls
While I sit here
Eyes crusted and stinging
Doing anything to still the anxious
Vibrations of my mind

Words die like flies
Flinging from my tongue
Cascading down the back of my brain like melting ice cream on a day too **** hot for inhabitation
Trickling in sodden pools of anger
So deep I can not see the bottom
Where my anger festers like a wound infected by the filth that is you
You who takes this innocent and neglects it like three day old trash left to rot on the side walk
You make me sick

Can you explain to me why this soliloquy keeps echoing in my brain
The inner monologue that sets diatoms of infectious thoughts inside my head
Where they grow expand and reprimand all my decision's and bits in-between
Not to do this
Why to do that
And who would care anyway
I wish it be as empty as canister of air
Full but not
Forgotten would be all my faults
And this inner referee silenced
The murmuring of all that could be Sshushed and stilled
A dreamless quiet would be ideal.

I see the world in rainbow colored glasses
Focusing on the bright boldness that is life
Rather than it's shades of gray
There is not a day in monochrome for everything is always changing
Shifting in and out of blues and greens
Every color in between
And what better way to love it all than to see all it's patterns fall
Beyond the rose tinted frame.

If it doesn't grab me
Then I can not commit
If it doesn't obsess me
Take me hostage in a consuming Stockholm breathless gasp
Then I can not posses it
Make it my own
Intergrate it like some sick horder grasping at straws
Hoping to breath under the weight of her convictions
As if born again
Anew and anew under some binded faith
That this new me this better upgraded me will be worthy
More adapted
No suited
To be loved in a world that is increasingly lonely.

Have you ever been so hopelessly
Lost in a moment
Intranced by something so far gone it seems to detach from you
And wander like it has its own mind.
Echoing the stachato of feet so far down the stairs that the way back looks like a tunnel
Of never ending shapes
So distinteresting from the vividity
That is the present thought
That you dream that you did not have to wake to the reality of the now
Like a kid looking through a window on Christmas eve all that bottled happiness lays behind the wall of the mind.
I often find myself window shopping down that hall
Hoping for a taste of what was
Aching to catch her before she gets to far away.

Its 2 again and like an old friend Insomnia keeps the dead waking
Swinging the doors of the mind wide open
Haunting me with my own doubts
Shaking old fears free of dust in deabilitating detail
Till my minds screams suicidal thoughts at the wall of crushing anxiety
That just bubbled up my throat like some sick truth that I can't determine I really feel because it was dragged forward in all this nonsensical late night rush
Like a gerbal I feel like Im circling around and around on that wheel thats never really going anywhere but keeps
Spinning and spinning away into a manic spiral that has periods of ups and downs
So chaotic I dont even recognize my own brain in the madness..
Cyclial and almost predictable
When everything was going good and then just suddenly isn't...

Guilty calls
Won't make the pain go away
Checking up on me
How you put it
Isn't going to make me feel
Any better

You make it worse
Showing kindness
Is really pain
Hearing
What I can't have

Listening at how undisturbed you
Really are

Lately I feel on that upward grind.
Where peace and happiness merge into one conglomerate mass of experience.
Not floating in the chaos of uncertainty
Choking on gasp of anxiety that hammers the heart in an uneven staccato
Tap tap tapping against the ribs like some frightened mouse
Running ever further from it all
I seem to have settled
Thriving underneath the yoke of dual work
My inner and outer self aligned
Jesus it's about time!

It rained like there had never been rain before
Soaking the concrete floor
Dimming the Edison lights
Prickling softly with their golden halos
Sweet easy music danced in the twilight
Melodic, hypnotizing
I could feel it sparkling along my skin
But the real moment was in
How you stood there in that gown
Its crocheted lace cream, wet with mist
An umbrella in hand
It's clear plastic glimmering like jewels Leaning for a kiss
From the man you swore to never live without
It was magic
Though it was wet
Your smile drowned out all the rain.

I sometime wake and wonder
"What even is my life right now?"

I've never been really comfortable with people
My heart is too raw
From the lies, the deceit those expectations not met
All those hoops I was never meant to jump
Stick out like rotten wood on a new fence
But animals?
They speak my language
They are easy to love
Hard to let go and a comfort that goes beyond words

Sometimes I wonder if my words are to vague
To st-ru-ng out in w€i£d stanzas
Dri
       p
         ping from ○dd an》gles
In such that they don't transMUTE
Into working works

There is no love here
    Where desperation meets necessity
Falling with the hope that nothing catches
   Waiting to give up

Maybe it will be good for us
Some time away
Take two
Into one

"I love you"
Then why are you leaving?

"It's not you.."
It's must be, looks like the problem told you it was

"I don't want to break your heart."
It was your purpose from the start.