By the way we've proceeded, I've gathered
Up hints like raspberries in a basket
The fruit is sweet, but the thorns are sharp and the dye stains red
My fingers are crimson and I'm not mistaken
You don't want anything to do with me

I'll never quite get the games we play
Power dynamics and bedroom eyes
Spinning rooms with smoke and mirrors
When what we really need
Is our exposed hearts on wrinkled sleeves

Insecurities surround me
This is not how I used to be
I don't know what changed
Something broke, something snapped

For a while now I feel it
The fear of hurting others
It commands me to obey
Something demanding, something controlling

And I never knew why
I am consumed by guilt
For voicing my opinion
Something honest, something genuine

I guess it's just because
I never wanted someone else
To feel a modicum of how I felt when hurt
Something disposable, something discarded

So I avoid it at all costs
I take the long way home, but get lost
And I end up hurting others anyway
Something accidental, something unintentional

I have good intentions
But they are masked by the fear
Of hurting others in the end and it is
Something unavoidable, something inescapable

Sometimes I wish to hold you once more
But the problem with once more
Is that I'll always want another and another
Until you seep back into the cracks of my heart
You'll find your way in and you'll stay
Your touch will linger on my skin
And I'll feel incomplete until your fingertips
Lay where they lied once more
And I'll feel your strength behind me
I'd never want you to go
The problem with one more time
Is it never is the last

My heart tries its best to be numb
Numb from you, numb from this
Blocking out the truth that my head knows
That I'm not allowed to have you

But no matter how much my head knows
And my heart tries so hard to hide
My body always knows what lies inside
And it knows that I want you despite it all

I crave how we melt together in a hug
Your embrace can lift my spirits always
Your strong hands on the small of my back
Massaging away my troubles of the day

I hunger for your touch, intoxicating
Your sweet surrender, I'm helpless
Helpless below the touch of your hand
The way you caressed me always impressed me

I yearn for the way that you looked at me
The way I could feel you felt wholly true
The thoughtful and considerate you
I was just under your spell, can't you see?

And as my heart tries to wake up
And my head tries to level itself
I'm still left exposed at my deepest extent
Due to you, my heart was healed, but now broken and bent

I'm still that girl you knew
The one that skipped towards you
Only three and a half short years ago
Claps for all, you called me
Tear-stained cheeks from a broken heart
You swore to never do what he did and you said
I could have had my space if I wanted it
I just wanted to know you
You made me feel like I was loved
Like I was a treasure worth protecting
Like a sun to hold in the palm of your hand
So I said "okay" and let you love me
I grew to love you too, more than I ever
Ever thought was possible at the time
We drove around, kissed at traffic lights
Made new memories and adventured
You made me wonder why I had allowed
Allowed for myself to feel unloved
Our love grew like a ****, wild and rampid
We loved and loved and didn't fight
Until one day when we started
It had been a year or so without it
But once it started, it didn't totally end
No argument resolved, no problems closed
But I pushed on, I loved you still
I've loved you despite distance
I've loved you despite age
I've loved you despite every thing that should have pushed us apart
We don't agree on anything large
Not morals, religion, or priorities
We are falling into pieces, my heart aches
I'm bleeding and crying out for you to hear
But silence is all I have from your end
And we are still holding together by a string
You never told me that you were finished
And I'm too disheartened to say after three years
That even though I crave you like you're ******
That you're a large part of me
That you are the closest person to me
That I want to be by your side, to hear your deep voice, feel your heartbeat, smell your sweet musky cologne on my shirt after a long day,
I don't know how long I can do this
To place a band aid over our hurt
Only to rip it off come morning time

And no I'm not tired, I'm just sad
If you ask so, I don't need sleep
It's too convoluted to bring up
So I plunge it back to the deep

Whispers between telephone lines
Small talk about work and weather
The tone in my voice echoes empty
Tonight shows it to be no better

So why open my mouth brokenhearted
And empty my indecisiveness to you?
I had better just keep quiet for now
Until conclusions come out of the blue

So no, I am not tired, I'm just sad
Sad because we are broken in two
Like two heart halves aching to be fused
But I suppress it and say goodnight to you

a peaceful forest
the birds, the moss,
the glisten of river thru it
the soft foot fall of hunt
animal hunger
plant lust

all is peaceful
and even here is pain

pain is so a part of everything
as peace is
and sure as day and night
a biting life will strike
to bring us sleep and waking moments
lest we forget

There have been millions of souls before our own
And millions will fall behind
I'm risking so much, of all I have shown
Even to the best of us, love is blind

We are like a misshapen door
Creaking and wobbling unsteady
We have one hinge hanging on and one on the floor
I know now that I'll never be ready

Sobbing and choking on words I have said
The shaking of heads and deeds that are done
Then comes the silence that I so awfully dread
I am unsure now if you are the one

You spit fire at me, melting all that I see
The lines of scrimmage are dimmed and blurred
Who is right, you or me? There is no in between
With my heart wounded, I am deterred

Then we sit in the quiet unsolved
I cry for a bit, I don't care how I look
It doesn't matter, our fighting never resolves
The way I am left hurt and shook

Is real love supposed to make you wonder?
To make you question everything you thought you knew?
Because I'm drowning in the rocking waves and thunder
Rather than frolicking in the flowers I thought love grew


****** if I do, ****** if I don't with you my dear
Because no matter what I choose, I am at fault
It's either only having you for the rest of my years
Or choosing them and in my wounds pouring salt

So I try to soak in all the words that you've shared
I realize I'm growing up more than I admit
And I know that you have always dutifully cared
Then I looked at you with more insight and wit

You've loved and supported me all this time
Even when I was in someone else's arms
Even when I still had my own mountains to climb
And in the most when you knew I could have been harmed

I don't want to know who is wrong
I don't want to know who is right
I can feel a sense of where I belong
I know where I want to spend the night