I love you
I sent it to you
And i meant it
You opened it i saw the dots
The one, two, three dots
Then they disappeared
And my heart sunk
One second of oh its okay
Its all okay hes just be distracted
Two, too busy right now
Life is hard for him right now
Three, one two three what about me
The anxiety rising. Until they disappeared
My heart hit the floor
With a painful crash and guteral roar
Hours pass and finally you write back
"Sorry didn't see that"
But you did, and you didn't say it back

It's the little things
it's the way we met through a cadet
wingmen ship at its best
both awkward and just a little tipsy
talking to you was so easy
but I wasn't and you knew
you asked me to keep a bottle cap
keep it under wraps till i gave it back
i did, and that goofy smile on your face
it didn't look the slightest bit out of place
You gave me another token, a tab
But then you got tired and called a cab
I haven't had a chance to give it back
so I'm left with a bottle tab and snap chat
guess we have to hangout to give it back

I wish i could be
Maybe its because i look to long
Or maybe its my awkwardness
Or my eyes light up when youre near
But thats something i cant control
I cant control my feelings or
My awkward glances and clumsiness
Unfortunately thats a 2 for one deal
Take my time amd get my heart
Buy one get one
Except im not good at the bye part
Because i linger and all the subtlety is lost

a long time ago i wrote about the feeling of  being over you...

I am now
Or rather, I'm pretending to be
You still make my heart strings chime
but your ears are clogged with dark memories
and I understand, I do
but i need you to understand
that I will never be over you
But i need to act like real people do
so I'll fake it till i make it
and someday you will too

Today something beautiful happened
I saw myself again
I looked in the mirror and smiled
not because i did anything special
or looked exceptionally nice
I saw my wide eyes and uneven elephant ears
my crooked, uneven, stained teeth
and saw the odd beauty in it
I saw that the pain my eyes have seen glisten
I saw that shy smile turn into one of bliss
I saw me for my flaws, black heads and all
the honest beauty for what it is

you poisoned me
no, you didn't slip arsenic in my food
or spike my Shierly temple
but you left your memories
decaying memories, poisoning me
the toxins of tourniquet leaking
their erosive toxins into my mind
you may not be here
but your memories are
and so the scars
white scars on my wrists
gashes in my heart
i don't know where to start
because your torment has no end
i hope that it might somewhere around the river bend
but the only river i see is from my eyes
part of the watershed of regret
to the ocean of mistakes
i seem to be drowning in
your memory is suffocating
filling my lungs with dispair
Im gasping for air,
but my willingness to swim in fading
so i'm sinking and letting the memories flood my brain
wondering if im going insane
or if its just a side effect
of the poison you called affection
a medication that apparently turned "no" into "yes"
and hiking up my dress...
and the poision, you,
your memories eve the happy ones hurt
the happy disguise of a smile
that would ultimately lead to teary eyes
and trouble with other guys
all because you poisoned me
and its effects are lingering
its not just a one and done
its an std of  the mind
it stays around even after your gone
so check yourself and your actions
dont dare poison someone else
do not add to the watershed of regrets
i want clean water
to wash away my infected mind
but no amount of soap
or blades or nails
could possibly wash away  your posion
because now its part of me
congratulations,
you dont no longer have to posion me'
you've turned me on myslef
like some auto immune disease
of the heart and the mind
because i will never forget when i called you mine
and i wish i could,but its branded
so i'm left stranded
in my ocean of regrets and poisoned water shed

At first it would just leak
Leak painful memories of you
You holding me, containing me

The leaks i could deal with
Each time patching up the hole
Tripple checking the lock

But i slipped up
Someone broke in and broke the lock
The gates are flooding

My eyes flood with tears
A tsunami of pain over the years
A deafening ringing in my ears

I try to clot the bleeding
But it never stops
And i pick at the scabs

I try to stop the flood
But it slips through my fingers
The pain linger