My body is fine
It is not fine wine
It is not **** fine
but its fine
"My body" is a foreign phrase
Because it is there
Its not here
Its just there
its fine
But sometimes my body does not feel like mine
It doesn't feel like yours or hers or his
But it feels unlike mine
It feels fine in a way of
Its just,
there
yet not there
Sometimes it wants to change
But I do not want to change
I want to like what's already there
The fine I've had to grow use to
Adapt to
The fine of old and new
The fine I tell myself to learn to like
The fine that stops me from asking too much
The fine that wont let me bother
The it's fine
The you're fine
The you're perfect the way you way
But I sit here curled up and I realize
Maybe
Maybe its not fine

There is no fatigue that is not of the wind,
     with storms that land on seas blow in.
Speckled dust of others sorrows.
     As feelings launch from mouths spitting wild.
With shivers we feel the wind releasing,
        out our fingertips gripping our own throats releasing.

When I close my eyes
In those times when my mind wanders
An image of you makes my heart sting
I see her on the outside like shes still inside
The words we exchanged in moments shared
Encompassed in pouring water
Our bodies pressed gently as we laid near
I wish I had caught your distance
But your promises of forever broke my heart
I needed you
Would it have made a difference if I knew that then?
I admit this now as the wet pen strokes the soft paper
Like the smell of your empty room
our time together was short lived, like the happiness in your eyes
The fire you started burnt me to a smoldered black
You were so small and comfortable in my arms
Yet the damage you did was enough for two
After my death you became absent
Your words posed threats, and you told me I changed
but how do you stay the same after you lose your life
I needed you
Where did you go when you went back to him
Is your unhappiness in his bed, better than a year with me
I was your first valentine, and our drunk kisses tasted like warm blooded wine
In exile you run to forget us
I see you with your crowd you cling
Your eyes look over me, and under your clothes I miss you
You left me in ruins
The pieces I had already lost, far before you came
I needed you, and I feel the need for you still grows
Im a fool, yet I know you're still here
You're in my head like a plague
I know your silence, it speaks enough
You've left, and you made sure I don't follow.

I'm afraid of where this all may  lead
It happened faster than a wound can bleed
As if in all my past attempts, I falter
but with this I feel far stronger,
than when a wave so strong falls beneath my feet
in currents I swim, and water I breath
but in this, I do not drown
it is my mind that now reaches beyond my bounds
Because I feel with you, I am at a loss
it could end up with me in your arms
or in between a rock, and hard
tears stained on alter or bed sheets, alone
where will I be lead
and where is this road?

It is on this day
The eve on the 'morrow
that my insatiable hunger cannot be satisfied
It is on this night
on the early morn' of a new dawn
that i am at a lack of devices that could stop my yearn'
Yet with my lack of conviction I find
that in debt and loss I can begin to breath
a new wave of emptiness can be considered a blessing
When gluttony can only fill you up with unease

In this, I feel
Shaky hands that cannot type
My breath unable to catch like coats on a hanger
Chocked by garbage dispensers in mid flight

I have no one to blame but myself
For letting your smile that stabs like daggers,
Into my vulnerable organs now spilled on the floor,
all the more craddled in my now bloodied hands

You could say its my lack of conviction
or my social manners in dealing with all the more composed

Your eyes that catch mine and rip open the doors to my early demise

Yet, These intense emotions are all in my head
This lair where you slumber and never wake
because you are not really here

Your stay is that of a cheap motel fly, who zips and zaps
your noise quick and sharp

How all the others cannot see the glow that surrounds you
is beyond any words I could compose

It is known that I do, because it is I that is motionless from the amount I inject
The osmosis of emotional intake, has left me dead on the ground.

My eyes sharply snap
My breathing broken from nightmares ripping apart
The screaming is my own voice now, as I plead to the sky for help
Someone, I cry
Just anyone right now

The silence fills the room again, like it was before
from biological rain streaks on window panes
to mascara black down pours,
I have this need to be surrounded
By company to keep me sane
Yet my presence is but an absence
And those I call out to,
     never hear what I have to say

My day begins and ends the same
My eternal calling never being filled
The ripping of my chest then swallows
What little willpower I have left to live.

Cleaning out the dirt left in the kitchen
Found something great, something special,
Sweet poison sweet love
Stinging like a bee
like a sweet kiss
soft in touch, but burning my heart all the same
I'm not even crying but my eyes are tired
Seeing things it doesn't want to see,
Not even painful memories
Just the harsh reality,
of not love
not even a deluded form
just a microscopic feeling
not even hate
I found my solution
Who knew it would come
Like an Abusive relationship
Between Heart, Home, and Sun
Bruises and Bite marks
Like a Dog might have malled
maybe even a little letter
No big or no small,

What I'm saying is this doesn't hurt
Or maybe it hurts too much
Maybe I'm turning a little numb
from just the right amount of shock
I cant bear to even look
just staring for a moment, hiding shame?
is it shame
I honestly don't know
I just want to kiss you, but im kissing my skin
because this doesnt hurt
not the same kind of hurt we feel
but a sweet sweet kind
the kind only i can take

I beat myself to the punch as I always do
I started my own sabotage, before its embraced

                             I don't think before I do
                         and yet I still kiss before I do

My prince has left the castle
and I forgot my shoe
no one chased after
now my foot is sore, and the other as-cue
I feel this trend is all too often
Its apparent and as clear as mud

                            I love a man, thereafter
                     He lines himself with her or him

My heart is meticulously broken
like shattered glass that turns to sand
breath in the shards of my war crimes
and press my face to agitated skin

I feel a white hot passion
one that might sound queer
I ache for tragic moments
and endless feelings of despair,

My body yearns for broken promise,
words, lies, and lost love,
an episodic adventure

filled with tear stained faces, swollen lips, and pulled hair

If you take a left at the pier
I promise you wont be disappoint
in the amount of sights and sounds

The lights meld with watery waves
who crash upon aged wood

Singing softly to organisms dwelling atop
the crushed salt breathes into your heart
a pit-pat only talented songstress could imitate

- Id go with you if I could
but I'm growing tired and old
my skin is flaked and aged

So begin your journey down the road
and take a left
at the merry old pier
filled with old memories that will fill your ears
Ill meet you soon but not in this way,

In the sands of the waves and the flashing lights
in the salted incrustations atop wooded planks
on the polished boats of greedy racers,

there you will hear my voice as it carries in the wind
pit-pat patterns that only your heart could create

Kisses- of which I cannot breath
Hand shakes are faulty
Waves are but gestures, varied in length
Blowing kisses is elementary
A hug is however

An intimate gesture that can only grow
as moments pass slowly,
Let me stay for awhile
Don't let go
til I say,
Til my heart will stay calm

I feel as though I am floating
Extended space is fading
No kiss can match
as melted bodies embrace

I sigh softly as our time ends
I wasn't done quite yet
but that's how it goes, as most of us know

His smugness cannot be captured, its like trapping water with a net.
Yet his foulness attracts the masses, and leaves me deathly sick.

It hurts to remember the past, even I can recall this
but in this moment I hurt and burn.
My eyes leak with lost passion of unsaid words

Please wait for me, as my tone has changed
I fall upon the bloodied window pane,
I use to watch for moments on end,

Yet here I am stuck in this rut
your lies and deceit are all too much

Don't touch me softly or tell me to go
Ive already left five moments ago,

I lay here in silence again and again
Another word wasted.

A rhetoric of sorrows, of things broken and unkempt
the place in-between.

You disgust me, that night you called my name
Dear love of my life, please see me again

You've never known pain, and how can you, who knows
a perfect life held,
and you'll never hear my prose.

My skin is drenched in hotness
A stench without a smell,

I cast my gaze upon a familiar face
A lie lived within a frame,

The smug complexion, The ego, The lie.
the music hurt my ears I wanted to cry.

Yet wait, I halt in extended beauty,
a false yet undeniable truth

I feel as if I'm broken

Of bonds I once held true

A basket case of sorrows

Bound in a tomb,

I felt a wilted whisper

Of softness, I cannot bear

A kiss of elegance I fancied

Of whom I do not dare

Where is my Apollo?
Where is my Muse?
The eyes like amber rose
That burned my lips with scars
of liars words
and a foolish bards wish
to kiss the lips of he who plagues me
to end it all in
one
foul
swoop